


Dead Bedroom

by OwlOfMyLove



Series: Dead Bedroom!Verse [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Relationship Problems, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-02-04 16:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 53,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwlOfMyLove/pseuds/OwlOfMyLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After four years, Mr. Gold has found himself in a sexless marriage with his young wife, Belle. Determined to not have his second marriage fail Gold sets on his way to find the root of the problem in his relationship and bring back intimacy to their home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Shaun Gold let out a quiet sigh as he stared blankly into the half-empty glass of whiskey on the dirty bar table. Gods, he hated The Rabbit Hole so much but it was the only bar in Storybrooke. The alcohol wasn't half bad or outrageously priced. You just couldn't go wrong there when drinking at home seemed like a bad idea given his current mood and the next town over was too far away to take a cab back.

The atmosphere though wasn't what he needed at this moment; tipsy girls in scantily clad outfits drinking fruity coloured drinks that giggled outrageously, normally in large groups, and keeping their eye out for a man to share their bed with. The men in the bar weren't any different. Dressed to hopefully hook-up with a girl at the bar, impressing them over with their pool skills, or lack of if Gold had anything to say about them even though he was no expert, and crude jokes with raucous laughter in their large groups. Some nights a few would get lucky and have an obnoxious make-out session in the dark corner of the bar where moans could be heard before the two would leave to properly fulfill their nights.

He could hear a low moan coming from the pool tables. This couple wasn't like the others that frequently left the bar together. They came in together, perhaps on a first date, and played a few rounds of pool while they tossed back pitchers of beer. He heard the woman purr a suggestion of heading back to her place, telling him that after three dates it was time she gave him a little something.

Gods, he _really_ did hate this place.

"Do you plan on having another drink before we close, Mr. Gold?" The bartender ask, cleaning a mug with an off-coloured cloth.

He'd been nursing the same glass of whiskey for some time now. He wasn't trying to get drunk, more like numb the pain that he was feeling in his heart. Instead, he spent several hours sitting on a stiff bar stool and staring into a dingy glass thinking about the past. "No," he finally said. "Thank you."

Gold debated on finishing the drink. It'd been sitting in front of him for some time and, quite honestly, was very lackluster. The taste was off and offered no comfort that he was seeking. His wounded ankle was throbbing and home was several blocks away. He didn't want to call Belle to come pick him up. It was late if The Rabbit Hole was close to closing and he knew she'd be curled up in bed by this hour. His antique shop was midway between the bar and his home and there was a cot in the backroom for late nights like these.

He tossed a few dollars on the table to pay for his drink and taking up the spot for so long and headed outside.

The air outside of the bar was crisp and the woodsy smell of pine filled his lungs. Much better than the mixture of alcohol that was overpowering beforehand. The streets of Storybrooke were dead at this time. All it's residents bundled away in their warm beds, ready to start their morning with the next round of gossip that was the mill to keep this town running. It was a small town and gossip was like currency for them. No doubt that Mr. Gold staying late at the bar would be one of the gossips spread in the morning at the only diner in town.

Walking was painful tonight. The cane was supportive and helped assist with removing weight to bare, but it didn't stop the pain entirely from consuming the ankle to a dull ache when he took a step. Sleeping at his shop tonight was looking more welcoming with each painful step he took, but he knew if she woke up without him in the home she would worry. Things may be a bit tense between them, but she still held an unwavering amount of concern over his well-being.

Finally Gold made it to the only pink house in all of Storybrooke. To be honest, he absolutely hated the off colour mixture of salmon and blush that was his home. It didn't fit him at all and if Belle would ever agree, he'd paint it. He should have painted it years ago when he had the chance.

He cursed his ankle and was certain to be quiet as he fetched for some painkillers to help him sleep, downing them with ice water from the fridge. The painkillers warned not to mix with alcohol and he decided not to care if the half-glass of whiskey he drank would cause a bad reaction. He was in pain and if he didn't take these, Gold knew he was in for a long and very uncomfortable night.

Gold cursed again under his breathe as he climbed up the stairs to the master bedroom. Of course the bedroom just had to be up the stairs, which just had to be his enemy nearly every night. The light in the bedroom was glowing through the cracked door, hinting that she may still be awake after all. His heart was pounding. Maybe if she was awake he could attempt to propose the idea to her and maybe, just maybe she'd be interested tonight.

He quietly pushed the bedroom door open and was greeted with the image of his young wife.

Belle Gold was in her usual position in the bed she shared with him. A large plain t-shirt that was three sizes too big served as her pyjama top for the evening undergarments were forgotten this night and the bottom of her rear was before him, her beautiful chestnut hair pulled into a messy ponytail for the night and possibly to keep out of the way as she laid in the bed to read, taking up his side of the bed was a well-read copy of _Gone With the Wind_ was open and implying that she fell asleep in the middle of reading.

* * *

 

Hours ago, before he left for the bar, he snuck up behind Belle in the kitchen and gently pushed his fingertips across her hips. Shaun slowly began to plant light kisses along his wife's neck.

"What are you doing?" She asked, her body stiffening.

He swallowed hard. "I was hoping we could retire to the bedroom." It had been so long...maybe tonight she'd say yes.

Belle relaxed her posture and let out a sharp sigh. "Oh, no. I'm sorry sweetheart but I'm just not in the mood tonight."

"What if I did something you like to get you in the mood?" He purred, hoping she would at least allow him to touch her more than he'd been able to this past year.

She shifted away from him to place the plate she was washing into the dry rack. "No," she stated again. "I'm sorry. Just...tonight, why don't we curl up and watch a movie after I finish the dishes?"

 _Of course_.

He wasn't angry with her rejection. Hurt. Wounded like a little puppy and he kissed her cheek good-bye and said he was going to head out for a bit. He didn't lie at all and told her exactly where he was going; she didn't stop him.

* * *

 

Shaun carefully removed the book from the bed and bookmarked her chapter. In the morning he knew she'd be upset if she'd lost her place after getting so many chapters in.

Warily he brushed a loose curl from her neck and he kissed her jawline, hopeful to not disrupt her. Had she been awake, he could have attempted to propose the idea to her again, but with her asleep like this...

Gold gingerly removed his clothing and stepped into a warm shower. He let out a dejected sigh and stared down at the water circling down the drain.

How did it even get to this point?

It was not so long ago when everything was damn near perfect for the first time in fucking forever.

They had been married for barely four years. Four years and she was slipping away from him just as fast as Milah. Of course, with Milah things were off from the start.

* * *

 

Shaun met Milah in their early twenties at The Rabbit Hole, that stupid fucking bar, between mutual friends that were now forgotten. She was cold from the start, but gods when he first saw her he could have sworn she was one of the most beautiful women in all of Storybrooke. She had a harsh look on her face and thick black hair that she let drape over her shoulders. Milah could drink him under the table and had a wild personality compared to his timid self.

They had only been dating for nine months when he asked her to marry him.

Milah became pregnant shortly after their relationship began. Marriage had been something Shaun hadn't been thinking of for at least a few more years of getting to know Milah, or any woman for that matter, better but with a child on the way, he wanted to do it right. He thought he loved Milah and, stupidly, thought that she loved him in return. She accepted his proposal and they had a simple small town wedding that included all of their friends and, unbeknownst to him at the time, the man that she would leave him for.

Gold was unable to pinpoint exactly when Milah started her affair with that cocky prick Killian Jones. He knew she was with child and a newlywed, yet he swooped in and stole Gold's wife away night after night. Milah hid the affair well in the start by claiming her late nights were classes for new hobbies that she was taking an interest in. It was all too believable until Milah came home with love bites on her neck and breasts one night. Shaun didn't question the marks at first. He chose to stay ignorant. It was less painful. But soon the night classes turned into overnight classes and then weekend classes. He couldn't ignore the betrayal anymore. She was all too blunt about the affair.

"What are you going to do about it?" Milah huffed, annoyed as her husband cried into his hands at the foot of the bed. "You're a coward. Completely spineless."

"Then why did you marry me?" Gold moaned between dry sobs.

Milah rolled her eyes. "Because even though you're weak and pathetic, you have some money Shaun. Where was I going to go with a baby? I didn't know Killian was going to show up until after I was trapped with you."

"Is...he mine?" His voice wavered, eyes shifting slowly to Milah's pronounced stomach that was due any day.

"Regretfully so," Milah replied bluntly.

Days later Milah gave birth to their son. A handsome child with deep chocolate eyes, thin black hair like his mother, and perfect peach skin; Baelfire.

It was the same day where Milah neglected to inform him that she was at the hospital ready to deliver and Doctor Whale called him instead. The day he started to run from the antique shop to the hospital because Milah had the car that day. The day when he tripped on the road and a new driver ran over his ankle, completely crushing it. The day that Killian welcomed Gold's son into the world.

Life for Shaun and turned south so fast. He was now a young father that required a walking stick for daily assistance, suffering from what proved to be chronic pain, with a wife that had allowed her lover to bring his son into the world and steal his family away.

Through the emasculation of now being wounded and needing assistance in getting around the house while he recovered, Milah was kind - if he even could use that word - enough to stay with him until he was able to get by on his own before she presented him with the divorce papers.

"Can Bae stay with me?" Shaun pleaded, knowing that Milah was out of his grasp and begging for her to stay would be pointless.

"With you?" She gasped, looking over at Killian who also found his plea humorous. "Shaun, you can barely stand on your own now! How are you possibly going to take care of him? What about when he starts crawling and walking? Hm, Shaun?"

Shaun swallowed hard. "He's just as much my son as he is yours, Milah."

That was all he said to fight for his son.

Visitation was granted. Three times a year, alternating birthday's and Christmases, he was allowed to take his son into his arms for two glorious weeks when he was deemed old enough to leave his mother and travel the distance from California all the way back up to Maine.

His life was dull until these visits from his son grew near. The antique shop he ran was slow-paced and he only brought in extra money from owning different parts of the town where he was able to collect a nice amount of rent. Every night without Bae was dark and lonely. The future seemed so bleak and he felt as if it was hopeless to ask for custody of his son. It was going to be a messy battle, he was sure, and he didn't want to put Bae through all of that.

Baelfire was nothing, much to his relief, like his mother. There was a warmness about Bae that Shaun swore came from him and if not him, the only good part of Milah's heart if that was even possible. For the past sixteen years that Bae had been alive, there was always something special about his boy. He never grew frustrated with his Papa on the days where he moved slow due to the pain, never emasculated him for being lame, never complaining about wanting to go back to his mother and step-father.

The weeks with Bae were the only thing Shaun lived for until Belle came along.

It was only because of his son that he met Belle.

Shaun considered himself lucky to have a sixteen year old son that that enjoyed the company of books and the outdoors than those video games that all the other children were buried in. During his summer visit, a month before school was to resume, Bae proposed a walk to the library that had been re-opened after years of being closed. His son favoured adventure stories about knights and warlocks, and in the last few few visits brought thick books of these adventures with him on the plane and had them read before the visit was over, explaining the entire story line to his Papa with enthusiasm.

When they reached the library Bae bolted off the adventure section as if he knew already where it was. Gold walked slowly and took in the view of the library that had been closed since his brief marriage and soaked in the bright colours and posters that the new librarian hung up on the walls to encourage reading.

"It's nice to see a young man so interested in reading," a beautiful accent greeted him.

There she was; Belle French. The beautiful Australian-born librarian that had busted the last few months of her life to renovating the library to it's former glory. She was stunning. A woman in her twenties that favoured skirts and heels, her auburn hair in loose curls contained in a side-swept ponytail. Her smile was inviting and she held a book in her arms that Shaun recognized as one that Bae had brought with him on the plane to read during his free time.

Something about Belle instantly drew him to her. Though she was beautiful beyond belief, more beautiful than Milah or any other woman in all of Storybrooke, it wasn't her beauty that attracted him. Her loving nature, he assumed. She did not pity him for walking with the cane into the library and did not stare as he limped his way after his son. Belle only asked about what they both were interested in reading and suggested her favourites for them to read.

It was the first time in years that he read for leisure, taking home all three of the books she recommended and promised to have them back in time.

Every week or two, Shaun went to the library and asked Belle for her new recommendation of literature.

Courage, something he knew he lacked, took time before he asked the young librarian out, asking her for a lunch date at the local diner. He almost couldn't believe his ears when she greeted him with that ever loving smile and said yes.

He tried to not repeat history by moving fast with Belle. While she was willing to explore the surrounding towns and local "historic" marks of Storybrooke, Gold felt comfortable by sticking to the diner dates at lunch and on one rare occasion, a late night dinner. He avoided the bar at all costs which was easy enough as Belle was far from a big drinker with the exception of the glass of wine that she slowly slipped on if the mood struck her right. She was persuasive one night to finally drag him down to a picnic on the shoreline where she prepped a delicious handmade meal and made the first move by kissing him that night after two months of dinner dates.

When she kissed him it was the first intimate moment he had since the night he married Milah.

Her lips were soft, and the lingering taste of the wine that they drank was still on her lips. She had a hand on his thigh and another holding his hand when she whispered to him that she felt safe with him, a warm comfort that was in her heart from the moment he stepped into the library with Bae.

She was more forward than he assumed Belle to be and slowly moved her hand up his thigh to where he cock was hard. It didn't take much to get him aroused these days, but Belle was another tier and a simple whiff of her perfume could have him hard and longing to be in her all day.

He stopped her before she could touch him and apologized, whispering that he didn't want to mess things up between them. "It's not personal," he squeezed her hand. "I moved fast with Bae's mother and...I don't want to make the same mistake."

Belle was more understanding than he imagined. "It's fine, Shaun. I'm," she bit down on her bottom lip and he noticed her cheeks were turning a fiery red. "...I'm a virgin. I wouldn't know what to do anyways."

Gold looked at his young girlfriend, feeling his age finally a barrier between them. He was pushing his forties now and Belle was young, virginal, and in her early twenties. It felt wrong to even think about being the one that was to take her virginity, an old crippled man like he over her perfect form.

"You wouldn't want me for your first," he attempted to tease. "Someone with more stamina and in perfect condition would be better than me."

Her lips pouted and, he hated himself for thinking so, he couldn't help but imagine how'd they'd look around his cock.

"Shaun, you're not that much older than me. It's a personal choice anyways. I've always wanted to wait until I was married before I was intimate." Belle ran her fingers through her hair and laughed at herself. "Something about you though just brings out that desire that I've been keeping locked away."

Gods how he wanted to take her right there on the blanket when she said that.

That night, after walking her back to her apartment above the library and kissing her for the second time that night, he returned home and masturbated to the image of Belle French without a gutting feeling of regret in his stomach when he came.

A mistake, maybe now as he looked back at it, he made was proposing to the young Belle after a year of slow burn dating. The couple had not shared more than a few intimate kisses and playful and painfully restrained brushes against each other. If Gold knew that it was going to turn out this way, he would have waited longer before proposing marriage to her.

Belle was more than comfortable to adjust the wedding date around Baelfire's visits and planned the whole thing to be a small intimate ceremony between the three of them and the minister, town therapist Archie Hopper. She did not wear a flowing wedding gown that was fit for a princess, a simple white sundress, pumps, and a pearl necklace that belonged to her mother was all she wore when she walked up the steps of the Storybrooke courthouse to marry him. Shaun felt that he and Bae were overdressed in suits compared to her and Archie, wishing she had given him some warning about how simplistic her outfit would be so he wouldn't look like an overdressed idiot.

"Papa, she thinks you look fine." Bae comforted, nudging his ribs playfully.

That night Gold waited nervously on the bed for his wife to change from her sundress into whatever she chose to wear to bed. He was thankful that Bae's room was on the ground level of the home, the idea of his son hearing his Papa and step-mother being intimate was embarrassing enough alone. It was bad enough that Bae teased about their intimacy before he headed to bed for the night.

Belle came from the bathroom wrapped in a long silk robe, her make-up removed and her hair down to relax.

"You look beautiful," he breathed as he took in the sight of his new wife.

She gave a small smile and sat next to him on the bed, caressing his knee. "Thank you. Do you mind if we just sleep tonight? I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that with Bae in the house. He's a teenager, I know sex isn't a complete mystery to him, but it just doesn't feel right."

There was a wave of disappointment that washed over him, but he understood. She was a new wife and a virgin at that. She had standards that she set for herself and he needed to respect her personal choices.

"Of course," Shaun smiled and kissed her softly. "There's no rush, love. We'll take as much time as you need."

* * *

 

Gold turned off the water to the shower and dried himself off with the towel. It was late and he was thankful that tomorrow the shop was closed. Between the pain he felt and the late night he was grateful that tomorrow was going to have something positive about it; Bae was coming to visit. Free from court visitations and now a young man with his own wife and child. The sheets were warm when he slipped between them and as if she knew that he had finally joined her in bed, Belle draped an arm over his bare chest and snuggled in close to him, letting a long exhale release from her sleepy body as she adjusted.

Marriage, he knew, did not entitle him to sex with Belle. Shaun knew that being in a relationship that all together, after dating and marriage, was five years old did not entitle him to a single damn thing. Yet it did not stop him longing to be inside his wife and wishing that he could just feel her warm breasts, pleasure her with his tongue, feel the wetness between his legs and release himself inside her.

It had been a year of this dead bedroom and it was tearing him apart.

Gold pursed his lips together and tilt his head back into the pillow, choking back the sobs he so desperately wanted to let go.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Baelfire comes to visit for the weekend, Gold turns to his son more comfort and advice while reflecting on the time he and Belle were first intimate.

The aroma of cooked bacon filled the large pink house and brought Shaun out of his light sleep. Every morning the sweet smell of whatever breakfast Belle chose to make woke him up. Bright and early, earlier than she really needed to be up, she prepped the meal for the day and it was always ready by the time Shaun was dressed and down the stairs. He always insisted that she waited and they would make it together, but she would flippantly say that it was a habit to make it and it was no trouble.

He slipped into his favourite suit complimenting it with a forest green shirt that Baelfire had given him one Christmas. In the mirror Gold saw the exhaustion upon his face and looked as if he hadn't slept at all in the past few nights. No doubt Bae would pull his Papa aside and ask if everything was alright. Because of his timid self, Bae grew up worrying about his Papa just as much as he worried about his son.

"Morning, sweetheart. When did you come home last night?" Belle asked, glancing to the side as she kept more attention of the bacon that was about to be finished, hoping not to burn it.

Gold sat down at the dining room table and began to pour himself a glass of orange juice. "I'm not too sure. I walked back. I left shortly before The Rabbit Hole closed."

Belle took the bacon out of the pan and began to dab a paper towel on them to soak up the extra grease. "I know something's wrong when you go to that place," she lowered her voice as if she was trying to stop the neighbourhood from hearing their conversation and brought the bacon to the table for consumption. The edges had tinges of black on them from slight burning. "You only go there when things are _really_ bad, Shaun. What's going on? Did Milah call?"

He stared down at the chunks of pulp in his juice. Was she that oblivious to the reason? "No, not Milah, love. I've just been thinking of some things and needed to get away."

She placed an equal amount of strips on two plates for them to go with the pancakes that she made. "You left after I suggested we watch a movie, I was worried. But I know how quiet you get whenever I ask why you're going to that place." Her voice trails off and she suddenly finds the prodding to be pointless.

Gold applied syrup to his pancakes and watched it pool over the plate. "It looks delicious, love," he says softly to relax Belle.

She beams at the compliment, always proud of her simple meals. "I've been practicing my pancakes since Bae said it's practically the only thing Henry will eat."

He smiled back at her and reached across the table to grab her hand, caressing it slowly with her thumb. Her skin so soft and warm it sent a warm sensation down between his legs. Maybe he could propose a small moment together before they met with Bae. Maybe she'd at least let him touch her for a minute. "Do you think," he swallowed, "we'd have time before we meet with Bae?"

"Oh..." Belle pulled her hand away slowly and furrowed her brow. "No. I'm not in the mood. Why are you always proposing sex, Shaun?"

Rejected again.

His eyes went back to the pulp in the orange juice. "I just love being with you intimately, Belle. I love you."

"I love you too, Shaun." Her voice was sincere. "I'm just not in the mood these days, you know that."

Yes, he knew that all too well.

* * *

Four days after their private marriage, Baelfire returned to Milah.

Gold was anxious this night. There was no Baelfire in the house that could, if it was possible with how large the house was, hear his Papa making love to his new step-mother. No other visitors accompanied them in the estate. He felt confident that tonight would be the night he'd be able to be intimate with Belle.

She emerged from the bathroom, that familiar an inviting silk robe wrapped around her protectively. Her cheeks were firey red and her hair was pulled back into a sloppy bun that looked so sexy on her. "I'm nervous," she whispered after a few moments of tensed silence between them.

He swallowed hard. "I know, Belle. I'm nervous too."

It had been so long for him that he was more than certain that he was going to disappoint her. He could only think of a million different ways that he would make her first time a horrible experience that she would later regret. Maybe he'd kiss her wrong, enter to fast, bite her where she didn't want to be bitten, or maybe his rhythm would be uncomfortable for her and pain her.

"It means so much that you've been understanding with my desire to wait," she leaned her head against his shoulder and ran her hand up his thigh that brought back the memory of the night she first touched him like that. "I'm ready now."

Belle removed the silk robe from her body and pushed it down so that it would be forgotten on the floor. He undressed perhaps a little _too_  fast and found himself naked at the same time she was. They had seen each other naked before on countless occasions but this was the first time where it was going to be more than just changing in front of each other and showering.

Her eyes were fixated on his cock; hard and thick that was over eager to be inside of her. Shaun wished he wasn't so weak at the sight of her beauty and could keep his loins a bit more formal, not to scare her off.

"Do I just lay down on the bed?" She asked as she crawled onto the mattress, pushing down the covers to get out of their way.

"Yes," he choked. "That'll be just fine."

He hovered over her and parted her legs with his knee. He could feel them trembling and her breathing was a bit harsh. Upon her face he could see the nerves eating away and she was chewing her bottom lip.

"I won't put it in right away, love." Gold promised, slowly moving down to plant soft comforting kisses down her neck.

"I'm just nervous---oh!" Belle moaned as Gold cupped her breasts, lightly massaging them and drinking in their soft texture and bounce. Gods, they were perfectly round and just as inviting as he could have ever imagined. His thumbs ran across her nipples to around her and she reacted beautifully; arching her body back and closing her eyes in a deep moan.

"Did you ever touch yourself?" He questions, finally feeling comfortable to ask such a private matter.

"Only a few times," Belle confessed. "I never played with my breasts much. I just couldn't find myself satisfied if I did."

This was his chance to shine. To prove that he could be an excellent lover on top of being the excellent husband that she deserved.

Gold kept his left hand in rhythm with massaging her breast and teasing the nipple as his mouth lowered and he tasted her right. The skin was warm in his mouth and the little bud instantly grew harder as his tongue rolled along it. Her skin was sweet, just as he always imagined, and the mystery flavour was something he knew he was never going to get enough of.

Belle continued to moan beneath him, rolling her head from side to side and letting out panted gasps of his name.

His pride was growing. Milah never quivered beneath him like this and Belle looked as if she truly was enjoying the motions he took.

His teeth grazed along her nipple gently and a louder moan escaped from Belle.

Quickly he shimmied down between her legs and pushed them apart, her warmth greeting him.

"I thought..." Belle looked confused. "What are you doing?"

Shaun smiled and lowered his face between her legs, her scent was still so sweet and inviting. "It'll help you relax a bit more, sweetheart."

His tongue slowly licked up her folds and he felt her thighs shiver with delight. A sharp gasp escaped from Belle and her hips bucked into his face with pleasure. He took it was a positive sign and continued. Gold ran his tongue along her entrance with care; swirling it around and practicing different twists and turns that would leave her with a new tantalizing sensation. He paid special attention to her clit, licking and nibbling on the bit of flesh. She responded beautifully, wrapping her slender legs around him and bucking her hips into his face whenever he returned to her clit.

"Don't stop!" She cried, gripping the bed sheets and thrusting her hips wildly towards him as his tongue left her clit. "I like it there. Please!"

Shaun groaned into her wetness and was aching to be inside her. His needs were starting to overpower him and he wanted nothing more to spring up and thrust inside of her. It took much restraint to keep himself between her legs just a little while longer. He had to be patient; a year of waiting to be in bed with her was going to be worth it. An orgasm washed over Belle and she let out a straggled cry of his name.

"Do you want me to continue?" Shaun asked, his hard cock stiffly in his hand and aching to be inside his wife. She let out an excited gasp and nodded.

"Please be gentle." His heart pounded against his chest.

"Yes. Yes, of course." Shaun restrained himself again, resisting the urge to slip into her. He parted her legs a bit more to be as wide as she would comfortably allow and guided the tip of his cock to her wet entrance.

"Will it hurt?" She asked, inhaling sharply as the tip teased her.

"I don't know," he replied honestly. "I've been told it's different for each. Some hurt, some don't."

Belle nodded and asked him to push into her. She was tight. Oh gods was she fucking tight. Hot, wet, and so damn _tight_. His cock twitched at the excitement of her entrance and he slowly moved into her, deeper and deeper feeling her clasp around his cock as he moved more forward in. She let out pained groans and bit her lip hard. Belle reassured him to continue, laughing that she was an unlucky one that got to experience pain during her first time.

"It's...in?" She questioned once the pain of entry subsided.

The harmless question wounded the pride he had been building up. "Yes, it's in. Do you want me to continue?"

Belle nodded and attempted to relax her body. Slowly, Gold began to thrust his hips back and forth, back and forth. Belle's eyes were shut tight and refusing to open as she held back pained noises. No doubt he was hurting her with his motions and he thought about stopping entirely had it not been for her sharp "more" that gave him the permission to continue. Her legs wrapped around his hips and on occasion she nudged her foot into his rear to tell him to go deeper if it was at all possible. Her nails dug into his arms that were planted firmly on the mattress, cutting into his skin painfully that made him want to pull his arms away.

"It feels good," she ragged. "Don't stop."

Gold groaned in a mixture of frustration and pleasure. It had been so long since he had been inside a woman, let alone one as beautiful and perfect as Belle, and his lack of years were catching up on him. His orgasm was growing close and he knew he wouldn't be able to continue much longer, despite her pleas.

"I can't," he gasped out, the orgasm growing more. "Belle, I'm about to..." He was frustrated with himself, knowing that Belle was going to be denied an orgasm from this along with a short moment of thrusting was all she would get for her first time.

Shaun groaned loudly and felt his orgasm finally be released. The sensation was everything he could ever imagine. Belle's eyes shot open as she looked up at her husband, whose head was tilted back as he cried out her name and arms wavering from the force of the pleasure. Her body relaxed as his orgasm wound down and a smile was drawn across her face.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling embarrassment from finishing so quickly. Belle's eyes were warm, her lips spread into a blissful smile; her face glowing.

"Oh, Shaun...it was perfect."

* * *

Shaun sat stiffly next to Belle as they waited for Bae to arrive. The drive from Boston wasn't too far but the moment he received the text from his son that he was on his way, Gold sat down in the front room and waited. When Belle joined him he hoped to carry a conversation with her but she buried herself within the book she fell asleep with last night, staying eagerly entwined with the story of Scarlett O'Hara.

The sound of a car pulling into the driveway caught his attention and he opened the door to the sight of his son jumping out of the car to get his son from the backseat. "Hey Papa!" Bae greeted, holding a half-asleep Henry in his arms while his wife, Emma, carried up the family suitcase behind her.

Gold smiled faintly. The visit with his son was exactly what he needed.

Belle and Emma were in deep conversation within minutes of their arrival. Emma had given Bae the suitcase for Henry, whom was still exhausted and curled up in his mother's lap, looking around the room at the different fixtures the Gold's had on the walls. At three years old, a deep adult conversation was less than thrilling. No doubt catching up on how much had happened since they saw each other only a few weekends ago. Belle adored Emma and Henry and never passed an opportunity to be caught up with them.

"How have things been, Papa?" Bae asked as he dragged the suitcase from the front room to the guest room he'd been familiar with.

Gold tightened the grip on his cane. He didn't want to talk to his son about such a intimate topic but there was no one else he could turn to. "The same, son. There isn't much to share here."

Bae raised an eyebrow. "Everything alright between you and mom?"

By mom, of course he meant Belle. She had only been in his life for five years and yet Belle instantly became mom. It made him smile when he called her that. Killian was still just Killian though he had been present since Bae's birth.

"That's a conversation for a different time, son. Later, when the others are asleep." He paused and shifted his weight. "Are you doing alright?"

"Of course," Baelfire smirked, pushing aside the concern for tonight. "I love staying home with Henry all day. Emma swears I spoil him too much but I can't help it. He's my son and I was taught by the best on how to be a good dad. Emma's always busy with these new jobs as a bails-bond so I try to keep the house running while she's out."

Shaun smiled back at his son, swelling by his compliment and how well Bae was raising his own.

* * *

 

Baelfire waited until he knew for certain that Emma and Henry were asleep before he silently slipped out of the guest room and joined his father in the sitting room. His Papa looked tired from years of trail weighing down on him and was dressed still in his suit as if he hadn't gone to bed just yet.

"So," Bae sat across from him, "you gonna tell me what's going on?" His tone was light, knowing there was a good chance he wasn't going to get much out of his father.

Shaun let out a heavy sigh and licked his lips. "It's difficult, son. I don't know how to begin."

"From the beginning?" Bae prompted.

A smirk formed on his mouth momentarily. "You know that after what your mother did, things have been difficult for me. Finding Belle was pure luck and it was only because of you, Bae. If we hadn't gone to the library that day..." Shaun trailed off and stared at his wedding ring. "I love her more than anything. Between you and Belle there is no meaning to my life. We're having...problems."

Bae gave his Papa a quizzical look. "What kind of problems?"

Gold closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. He couldn't believe he was going to ask such a question. "Son, do you and Emma--what I mean is, are you still intimate?"

A quiet "oh" escaped Baelfire and he shifted in his chair. Conversations about sex only happened once in the Gold estate when a young Bae sat his girlfriend and Papa down, announcing the Emma was pregnant and they were going to keep it. He missed out on so much of Bae's life that he didn't even know his son was sexually active until that moment.

"How long has it been since you last, you know, did it?"

"Five months," he said flatly. "But this problem has been going on for a year. There are moments where I touch her and she goes stiff. I propose the idea to her and she rejects me. I try to warm her up and do the things that I know she likes before we are intimate and she allows me to do so for only a moment before she tells me she's not interested. The last time we were intimate," Gold sighs softly at the memory, "it was not pleasant." There was more he could tell his son, he knew. It was best to keep the details light for now. He didn't need to bother his son with his personal problems more than he already was.

Bae soaked in the confession and ran it through his head a few times before offering any response. "Does she show you any affection? Ever?"

"On occasion. She still kisses me and embraces me. I think Belle's only attempted to initiate sex three times in the last year." Shaun was becoming overwhelmed by this. For gods sake, Belle and Bae were so close in age and he hated that he had no one else to turn to that he had to tell his son the most intimate details of his life.  

"Does she love you?"

The question stung. Did she love him? She said she did and would sometimes wrap her arms around him and give him gentle kisses on the lips as she told him how much she loved being with him and how happy he made her. On the rare nights where she had attempted to make love to him she started by bringing her hand down his trousers and playing with his cock until it was good and hard. She was quick with her actions; hands, oral if she was willing but it never lasted long, and a quick moment of penetration before she cried that she was done. When they were finished, his body aching from not being able to release, she would embrace him naked in the bed and rest against him, whispering how much she loved him.

"I think she does."

Bae was studying the situation with what little information he had. "Have you talked to Belle about these problems? Or anyone, even?"

"Son---" Shaun began to protest.

"I know, Papa, you're a timid man. But how are you going to fix what's going on between you and mom if you don't talk to her about it? The last time you offered and she said no what did you do?"

His shoulders slumped. "I asked her this morning. She asked me why I always proposed sex and I told her why. We went about our day like normal. I also asked her last night and when she said no I went to The Rabbit Hole for a few hours." A look of concern crossed Baelfire's face. He knew better than anyone how much Gold hated that bar and why he went there on nights that he did.

"Papa," Bae's voice warm and comforting. "If you don't tell Belle about these problems and try to get to the root of the problem things are just going to get worse. Why don't you talk about it tomorrow when we go to see Emma's parents?"

Shaun swallowed hard, his body hot with nerves over the idea. "I could try," he said weakly.


	3. Chapter Three

Gold struggled again to fall asleep. The advice from Bae was still fresh on his mind and he kept running through different scenarios on how he would even attempt to approach his young wife about the lack of intimacy without coming off the wrong way. Belle was pure in life and a feeling in the pit of his stomach told him that these desires and whines for sex were only going to make things more stressful between them. Shaun knew he'd been behaving well. It wasn't that he asked her every day. No, no, nothing of that sort. It was just that their anniversary was the following week and Shaun knew there would be no other way he would have wanted to spend it than with Belle beneath the sheets.

He was awoken again by the smell of bacon filling the house. Henry was getting into something that he shouldn't have as he heard Emma screech his name in concern followed by the loud clang of a plate hitting the floor. Shaun kept his eyes closed and smiled. It had been so long since Baelfire was doing the same thing in this house and while he knew Emma and Bae were fretting over these accidents he knew there would be a day when they looked back and missed them.

Like every morning, he slipped into his suit and picked out a different shirt for the day. Today was a black and white one that was one of his personal favourites, but barely worn. A gift from Belle one Christmas.

Gods, his life now felt utterly redundant.

"Grampa!" Henry squealed when Gold made his way down the stairs, hugging his lights tightly. "I made oops!"

Emma was still cleaning up splatters of syrup on the dining room floor where Henry had dropped the plate while Belle was dabbing the bacon with the paper towel the same she had done the morning before.

"I see that Henry. You sure do enjoy keeping your mother on her toes."

Henry beamed, taking it as a compliment and scurried back to the table to grab at the bacon that Belle was putting on his new plate.

During breakfast they took turns telling stories of how their lives had been since the last time they saw each other a month ago. Calls and texts between himself and Bae were frequent but lacked the intimate details that their family dinners shared. Dinner had been rushed due to young Henry being tired from the several hour drive over that no one had time to properly catch up. Emma was taking her turn talking about her latest job, sparing no detail, when Shaun tried a new forward approach with his wife.

Gingerly, Shaun began to rub his hand along Belle's thigh, attempting to arouse and distract her.

Belle was very firm on her stance of not being intimate while company was in the house. Her fear of being heard or worse, seen, was overpowering and always wanted to make sure Emma and Baelfire were already back home in Boston before they would run up to the bedroom and tear off their clothing to engage in a sultry moment. Now she returned to the chores that needed to be worked on or her latest book. Her leg became stiff when he touched her and Belle's eyes grew wide in shock, shooting an alarmed expression his way. She attempted to push his hand away discreetly but knew it would have been much too obvious.

"Shaun, please," she moaned under her breath.

His hand stayed on her thigh and rested close to her entrance. No attempt was made to go any further, he knew this was already a bold move as it was and the second they left to have lunch with the Nolan's, Belle would lecture him.

"Did you say something, Belle?" Emma stopped her story and waited.

"I'm sorry. I asked Shaun to pass the butter, please," Belle said with those beautiful blue eyes screaming 'you're in trouble'.

His shoulders sank and childishly slid the butter next to her plate.

* * *

 Shaun awoke early before Belle the morning after their first time. Her long curls were sprawled over her shoulders like a protective blanket, lips parted, body nestled up to his like she had been hours earlier when she fell asleep. Her face wore a peaceful expression like she was complete; whole and happy.

A gratified sigh escaped from him when he realized that everything that had happened the night before was indeed true.

He nearly expected Belle to stay shy and almost, dare he say, frigid in her behaviour with her sexual side. Instead she blossomed.

Belle herself was a lover of sexual activity; especially oral. In the first few months of being intimate Belle would do nearly anything for Shaun to go down and taste her. Sweet innocent Belle would take no moment to hesitate taking charge and urging Shaun down or undoing his suit to have him over her. She never would go as far as sex in their workplace but embraced the idea of sex the moment they walked through the door and often nights would propose the idea of being intimate in a different spot of the house. She was open to the new positions and moves that could go with intimacy and had her favourites pinned down in no time. Belle took full charge of her sexuality and after the sessions Belle seemed to enjoy the most would nuzzle into his neck and whisper that waiting for him was worth every moment.

Her reserved composure always returned when Baelfire came for his visit. Though she was well aware her step-son knew what was going on she always blushed and mumbled that she just didn't like the idea of him _hearing_  such acts between them.

It proved to be good after all; Belle was not one to keep her voice lowered if the right chords were struck.

He asked her only once after they became intimate what prompted her person choice to wait until marriage. Gold had spent many hours debating on asking when they were dating and feared a rejecting answer that would result walking away after being offended by such a question.

"My mother," Belle said sweetly at the memory. "When I was young she sat me down and explained to me what virginity was and told me that no one told me when I was to have sex except for myself. My mother told me that I should do it when I feel ready and only with who I want to do it with. She warned me about those that would pressure me and told me to make sure I stood my ground with whatever decision I made." Gold cradled her in his arms as she explained this to him one night. They had made love in the sitting room late one night after he came home late for work. She surprised him by waiting in her sensual robe and took full control of the actions. "I asked her when she first became intimate," Belle continued. "She told me that she waited until she married my papa; someone she loved with all her heart and knew at the sight of him when they were teenagers that she wanted to be with no one but him. My parents waited until marriage." She gently smiled. "My mother died a month later in a car accident and I think that's what confirmed my idea of waiting like she did."

It made sense to him at that moment as he held her. Unlike her, he grew up without a mother and had a father that found him to be a nuisance in his life. "Why do you ask?" She propped herself on her elbows, intrigued.

Gold admired the way her hair fell over her bare shoulders. "I've just been curious for some time now. I didn't want to upset you by asking."

"Oh darling," Belle giggled. "I couldn't be upset by that. You're the only one that's ever respected my decision to wait. It's just one of the many things I love about you."

* * *

 "We'll meet you at Granny's around five?" Emma confirmed, scooping up a rambunctious Henry into her arms.

"Of course. You know we'll be there." Belle kissed each of her guests on the cheek to say goodbye.

"Talk to her," Baelfire whispered in a rush as he hugged Gold goodbye. "Just see if you can get her to open up, Papa."

Gold felt his throat grow sore and was unable to speak to his son; he nodded in response.

Belle shut the door to the front of the house once Emma pulled their small Volkswagen out of the driveway and placed her back against the stained glass fixture on the door. "Shaun, what's gotten into you?" Belle whispered harshly.

His body was growing hot from the guilt and confrontation, the cane holding his weight up feeling slippery from the sweat growing in his palms and he realized just how much his actions had offended her. "I was trying to help you relax, Belle."

"Relax? If anything you're the one that needs to be relaxed. You're not yourself these days," her body began to separate from the door as she spoke.

Shaking, he reached out to touch his wife and felt like collapsing in her arms when she allowed him to grab a gentle hold of her hand. "Belle--"

"You're going to the bar, you're always pressuring me for sex, and now you're touching me when your own son and his family are visiting? Shaun, what's _wrong_  with you?"

Nothing was wrong with him. At least he didn't think there was anything wrong with him. Gold knew he could ease off asking for sex more and could be far more understanding to her lack of desire, respecting her choice to keep the bedroom dead, but there was no reason. A healthy young woman in her late twenties simply decided she wasn't going to sleep with her husband. The rejection confused and hurt him; driving him to partake in behaviours and actions he knew upset his wife. It was inexcusable to blame her for all that had happened, or really had not happened, between them.

Shaun swallowed hard and squeezed Belle's hand. "Sweetheart," his heart began to pound and his years of acting like a coward were instinctive, telling him to abort the idea. "We aren't intimate anymore. I want to know why. Is everything alright?"

Belle pulled her hand away. "Sex. Shaun, this is about sex again." It question a question, just a harshly toned statement.

"Sex is important in a healthy relationship," he tried to keep his son's pep talk in his mind. "We used to be so close, Belle. Intimate all the time. It's been five months, sweetheart. I'm concerned about you."

She wasn't looking at him. Why would she? Gold knew he had crossed the line by touching her under the table and then brought up the topic of sex again. She wasn't squeamish to the idea or mention of it, more like she was saddened and uncomfortable. Belle stood there, holding the hand she pulled away from them and staring blankly at it.

"Did someone hurt you? Is that the real reason you wanted to wait, Belle? Or did something happen within the last year that caused this behaviour?" His voice was shaking and the idea of someone touching Belle that way made him sick to his stomach.

Her head shot up, eyes brimming with tears. "You wouldn't understand, Shaun. It's complicated." Her cheeks began to turn to a bright pink and a panic expression was being painted across her face. "I just don't want to have sex anymore. I have no desire for it; I'm not aroused anymore."

In the short months that they dated before marriage Belle made it obvious that she was aroused by him. Slow caresses along his arm, low moans when he kissed her with more passion than usual, and would tell him some nights that he aroused her in such a way she didn't know was possible. She told him she was never scared of having sex, just a tiny bit nervous, but wanted to wait until it felt right. Never had she implied anything traumatic had happened to her.

Perhaps she had...

"Do you love me, Belle?" His voice was barely a whisper and he feared Belle would answer the same Milah did.

"You know I do. Shaun, I love you so much; more than you'll ever understand. Things are just complicated right now." Her words felt real, sincere and warm unlike her tone earlier in the confrontation.

"Help me understand, sweetheart, please," he shakily took a step forward and was thankful for the first time in years that the cane helped support him along the way. "Tell me what's wrong, please." Gold wrapped an arm around his wife and held her in close, breathing in the smell of bacon and syrup within her hair with the touch of the scented lotion she put on when she awoke.

She surprised him by wrapping her arms around his frame and holding him close. "Shaun, please. I can't."

His frustrations were growing. Granted that this was the most he had gotten out of her about their dead bedroom in weeks but it wasn't enough. "Help me understand, sweetheart. I'm here for you."

Belle sniffled and rubbed her face against his suit, drying her eyes on his shoulder. "Please, Shaun. Don't ask me about this. Just respect that I don't feel a desire for sex anymore." She pushed herself away from him and began to walk away. "I'm going to take care of some chores before we meet with Bae and the Nolan's. If you could, please start the dishwasher and take out the trash." She returned only to give him a gentle and rushed peck on the cheek.

Gold sighed, sat down on the closest piece of furniture and sobbed into his hands.

* * *

 Shaun had known the Nolan's longer than he had known Belle and still to this day they irritated him. Though all of Storybrooke would croon over how precious and charming the Nolan's were and it only added to his irritability about the couple.

A much younger couple in comparison, David and Mary Margaret Nolan had been high school sweethearts since their sophomore year. Mary Margaret fell pregnant her senior year and they married a few weeks after they graduated; a month before Emma was born. Their daughter took well in footsteps, having actively kept a relationship committed with Baelfire since they were children, fell pregnant at eighteen herself during one of the short visits. They waited until she delivered Henry before marrying.

At least Emma and Bae were a bit more mature today.

David and Mary Margaret were already sitting at a set of tables that had been pushed together to make enough room for their party and were cooing at each other like a couple budding in their newly discovered sexuality. David held a squirming Henry on his lap, doing a well enough job at keeping the child entertained while he made those ridiculous looks to his wife.

How was it that the most  _charming_  couple in all of Storybrooke managed to keep their fire alive after over twenty years and yet Shaun himself struggled with not one, but two marriages? It only added fuel to his negative feelings about them.

Belle was wonderful at making things appear normal between them. Their dispute after Emma and Bae left appeared nonexistent by the way she behaved. It was as if he was reliving the past; Belle smiled, giggled, told stories with vivacion, and held his hand like she used to when they made appearances together.

What a flawless facade.

This wasn't uncommon. From the moment she first rejected him in the bedroom Belle kept up the appearance that nothing was wrong between them. She still held his hand, gave small kisses on his cheeks, raved about how wonderful things were going whenever someone asked how she had been. It almost made Gold question if the tension between them truly existed. He wondered if the behaviour was really genuine. Young Belle was a social butterfly in comparison to him. She enjoyed the group activities within the town and volunteered her time and efforts to help the students at the school become more interested in reading. She loves interactions with the other couples in town, but most cared not for him. Shaun knew that. After the debacle with Milah it made him more of an outcast. Storybrooke had no words about the spineless Mister Gold who owned half the town and yet managed to somehow let his wife slip through his fingers with a horrid affair that was the most loved gossip in all his years there.

David and Mary Margaret kissed each other and smiled like two young teenagers ravaged with hormones.

"Jefferson said he saw you walking home from the bar the other night!" Mary Margaret gushed; hitting the gossip part of the party. "You're never in the bar, Shaun. Is everything all right?"

Emma's eyes enlarged. "Mom, look, maybe we could do something better than gossip about what the Gold's do with their private time?"

Mary Margaret looked offended. "I was just curious."

"It's my fault," Bae interjected. "I told Papa to push back some drinks because we were going to really hit the bottle this weekend when we dropped by. Must have taken in more than he could handle right, Papa?" His son nudged his leg gently under the table as a plea to help him agree.

Gold cleared his throat. "Yes. That's exactly what it is. I'm afraid your gossip is just going to have to die early this time, Ms. Nolan."

Mary Margaret pursed her lips together and her cheeks went red, paying more attention to the utensils in front of her.

* * *

 It was another late night. He was growing tired of the late nights and wished things could return to normal when he slipped into the bed with Belle by his side instead of going to the room at different hours of the night and falling asleep beside her and an aura of awkward sexual tension. 

After young Henry fell asleep, Belle and Emma conversed for over an hour before drifting to their own things. Belle was nearing the end of her book now and was gripping it with such enthusiasm as her eyes danced over the page. The doomed marriage of Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara keeping her in a trance that he knew she wouldn't come out of until she finished.

Baelfire asked to speak to him alone and in the room that was furthest away from the sitting room.

"So did you talk to her?"

"I did, son. She said I wouldn't understand and told me she had no desire at all." His words were soft and he felt ashamed to repeat them.

Bae huffed and scratched the back of his head.

"I just don't get it, Papa. If it wasn't for how miserable you looked and that you've been drinking more no one would ever suspect something was wrong. Belle acts as if everything is normal."

"I don't want to lose her, Bae," Gold choked. "I love her and want her to be happy again."

His son seemed to be at a loss for words. He couldn't blame him. This was Gold's own personal problem and he had confessed to his young son about things that a child shouldn't know about their parent. Baelfire would take this back home with him and it would be on his mind for some time. No doubt Emma would finally get him to spill what was bothering him and then she would know. Emma wasn't one to gossip or put out private information but there was always the chance she'd slip something out to her parents and the Nolan's...

"Just keep trying, Papa," Bae encouraged. "I know Belle can put on a good show of acting like nothing is wrong but not confronting these problems are just going to tear her up too."

That was true. The longer Belle seemed to hold inside whatever it was that was the root of their problem the more time passed between them being intimate.

"I don't want to drive her away by asking and pressuring her." The memories of Milah burning in his mind.

"Should I talk to her? Or Emma? Maybe she'll tell us something she doesn't feel comfortable telling you just yet."

Shaun shook his head and stared at the ground. There was no way he wanted to drag his son into this problem any more than he already had. Belle was a smart woman. She would know right away that Shaun had said something if Bae or Emma approached her about this. Then where would that lead them? To another confrontation, he was sure. He'd be before her with his head down and his body growing hot from fear. She'd be upset; cry no doubt.

"I don't want Belle to know that I've talked to you about this. I shouldn't have said anything to you, Bae. You shouldn't be dragged into such personal matters."

Bae shrugged. "Papa, do you know how often Mama and Killian argue? Killian always pulls me aside and has to tell me about it and then expects me to side with him each time. I promise, your problem with mom is nothing in comparison. I'm here for you, Papa. You know I only want you to be happy after all Mama put you through."

"Oh, Bae," Gold sobbed. The weight of his body finally putting too much pain on his weak ankle, he dropped his body into the chair and sobbed heavily. "Oh, my sweet boy. "

Baelfire sat on the armrest of the chair and held his Papa, drowning with compassion for his poor timid father.


	4. Chapter Four

"Listen, Papa, I've been talking to Emma about you-- No, not about that!" Bae quickly corrected himself when he saw Shaun's eyes enlarge. "No, I mean that I just mentioned you've been feeling a bit down lately. I told Emma it had to do with some personal issues that you were struggling with. I promise, I didn't mention your problem with mom to Emma at all. But I suggested that maybe you come stay with us for a week or so to give you time to collect yourself and she was open to it."

Shaun licked his dry lips, hating the fact that now Emma had some idea of what was going on. She was a smart woman and would easily catch on if he stayed with them. "Thank you, Bae but I think I'll have to decline your offer. If I do stay with you Emma will catch on soon enough and it doesn't fix the problem waiting back home for me."

"Papa it's not like staying here is fixing the problem either." Bae picked up the luggage and began to make his way to the car, keeping a slow pace for Gold to keep up with his cane.

"I need to be here for Belle until she'll no longer have me. I'll ask her again soon."

Bae gave his Papa a skeptical expression and shrugged. "If you really think so, Papa. I just think some time away might be better."

But they had been spending time alone. Belle slowly began to recoil herself away from him after the first time she rejected him and as the months went by they were growing into strangers. Sure, they slept in the same bed together and lived in the same house, but their outings as a couple slowed, their touching halted, and kisses were no longer deep but soft pecks on the cheeks and lips. Time apart, Shaun felt, would only damage their threading relationship.

"I appreciate all of your help, son but we're already strangers now. If I leave, it'll just make the problem worse."

Baelfire loaded the luggage and leaned against the side of the car, his arms crossed. "I know you hate pulling me into your problems, Papa, but I wish you said something about this sooner. When you told me it had been over a year, I couldn't believe you. Belle always seemed so happy and never implied that anything was wrong between you two."

"If I wasn't so persistent in asking, there'd be less wrong." Shaun shifted his weight around to ease up the pain in his ankle. "The more I ask, the more I push her away. When I go longer without asking, she'll relax around me and may even become a bit more affectionate but the minute I take advantage of her affectionate behavior, she recoils again and we start all over."

Baelfire appeared to be dumbfounded on the situation. "I don't know what to say, Papa. This is unlike anything I've ever heard of before."

Shaun sighed softly. "I know, Bae."

Emma, Henry, and Belle joined them outside moments later. Henry was curled in Belle's arms as he spoke wildly about the movie _Peter Pan_ , his current favourite that Emma swore she was going to burn after watching it so many times. She loaded her step-grandson into his car seat for his parents while they said their goodbyes to Shaun. Belle gave a novel copy of _Peter Pan_ to Emma and hugged her in-law goodbye.

He swore he saw Bae whisper something quickly into Belle's ear that made her raise an eyebrow but he dismissed it, thinking it was all in his head.

Henry waved goodbye rapidly from the back seat and they returned the action, Belle giggling as she waved.

"Did Bae say something to you?" He asked as they headed back into the house.

"Oh, yes," Belle closed the door and headed her way to the kitchen to get a drink. "He wanted to know if he could steal you away one weekend for some bonding time."

"Did he now?" Belle took a long sip from the lemonade she poured. "Yes. It was out of nowhere. I didn't have time to answer. He just told me to think about it until our next visit." She took another sip. "I don't have a problem with you wanting to see your son without me, Shaun. You know that don't you?"

"Of course I do. I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn't being taken away when you'd need me." Shaun attempted to keep his tone light and playful, hoping that she'd tell him that she never wanted him to leave.

"I'm a big girl, Shaun. I can handle a week without you," she smirked; taking the playful tone in a different direction.

* * *

Time dragged as their anniversary drew near. Gold wanted nothing more to spend his fifth year married to Belle between the sheets having her moan his name and hold him in her arms as she climaxed from overdue thrusts. Belle seemed content to let things carry out the way they had been over the last year and seemed nearly unphased as their anniversary approached. She told him she had something small and intimate planned for that night but he knew she meant a dinner of the sort, not sex. Since the day Baelfire arrived, Shaun had not once proposed intimacy to her and it seemed to help with the tension between them. Belle kept her distance and reserved composure but she was more willing to let the kisses linger now than she had before.

"Happy anniversary, sweetheart," Shaun murmured in her ear before placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.

Belle buried her face into her pillow and smiled. "Happy anniversary. Five years now. Can you believe it?"

No, he couldn't. Between the short marriage to Milah and the lack of intimacy Belle presented he was amazed he had even been married to either women at all. After the intimacy stopped, he was certain Belle would leave him before their next anniversary.

"I'll never understand why you've decided to fall for an old man like me," he finally said.

"You're not old, Shaun. You know I don't like when you say that about yourself." Belle dropped her smile and rolled over to face him properly.

"Yes, love. I'm sorry."

Gold brushed a few locks of Belle's thick brown hair out of her face. He slowly lowered his face to hers and nervously approached her lips for a kiss. She didn't pull her lips away this time and their kiss was long for the first time in months. Shaun took advantage of the moment and deepened the kiss, running his fingers between her hair and gently grabbing a few locks to keep him from floating away. He felt his groin stir with excitement when she uttered a low moan and slipped his tongue into her mouth. Belle accepted his entrance and flicked her tongue gently along the rough and inexperienced patterns Shaun attempted to arouse her with. She moaned once more from the kiss and the thickness growing between his legs was begging to be inside her. The hand that wasn't tangled in her beautiful hair trailed down to her hips and attempted to slip between her thighs; her warmth kindly greeted him and as his finger played with her entrance he could feel a thin layer of wetness forming from excitement. He waited for only a second before slipping the finger and slowly pumping it back and forth to help more excitement pool between her thighs.

Belle gripped his shoulders and pushed him away from her. "Shaun! No!"

He recoiled quickly; taking with him a few strands of her hair from how sharply he moved, causing her to yelp from the tear. "I-I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I thought you were ready. Y-you were moaning and didn't stop me when my hand...I thought you wanted to."

Belle sat up and brought her legs close to her chest, wrapping a pale arm around them while the other tenderly touched the area where her husband accidentally tore her hair away. Her face was was pale except for her cheeks that were a fiery red. "Please, don't."

"Oh, no...Belle, don't cry," Shaun felt the urge to wipe away the tears that Belle was now forming but feared that she'd push him away again. "Belle, please. I'm sorry."

Belle roughly brushed the tears away with the back of her hand before they slipped down her cheeks. "Shaun, please...Don't try again. I don't want to have sex anymore."

"Maybe if you told me why I could understand better."

She shook her head. "I need some time alone."

Anger, desire, and fear swarm around his mind; fighting against which emotion was going to be the dominate one and take the next action. He had grown so familiar with her rejections yet it was the first time in months he felt anything between her legs.

"I'm going to shower," he mumbled as an emotion finally made it's stance. "I'll see you after work."

Shaun started the shower and removed his pyjamas, throwing them violently into the corner. His frustrations with her rejections were only igniting thoughts and actions he would not have dared dreamed of. Never before had he ever been angry to be denied sex, never annoyed by the simple answer of needing space and time.

His cock was hard; eagerly ready to slide into his wife had she not pushed him away so harshly. The hot water was soothing against his body and his shoulders relaxed from the heat and beating.

Gold wasn't one to masturbate often. It was a rare moment that came only on the hardest of days and when the mood wasn't going away after her rejection came down. It had been weeks, he was sure, since the last time he touched himself and his body was ready.

He grabs himself, perhaps a little too tightly at first from longing, and slowly began to pump his length. His eyes were closed and he enjoyed the pleasure of the water beating down on his body with the pumps.

Belle was on her knees before him. She smiled seductively and held his length before her, licking her lips eagerly. "I know it's been a while," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

The motion picked up in speed at the image of Belle in his mind. Her hands were gentle when she took hold of his length and teases the tip of his cock with her tongue. It sends a shiver down his spine and excites him only more.

"Belle..." Shaun moaned as he continued to pleasure himself.

"Shh," the imaginary Belle whispered softly. "Just let me pleasure you." She continued to tease the tip of his cock with her tongue until he begged, thrusting his hips forward to her. Belle smirked and parted her pink lips to take in the length of Shaun's cock; slowly rocking her head back and forth to pleasure him.

Shaun moaned again, quickening his motions and felt the sensations from the pleasure indicate that he was close.

The imaginary Belle was enthusiastic and moaned while she pleasured him, helping him reach the finish.

He groaned loudly and let out a straggled cry of her name as he climaxed.

Shaun opened his eyes and was greeted by the white wall of the shower, the steam around the enclosed area circling around him, the water beating down, and his seed quickly disappearing down the drain.

Shaun sighed softly and cleaned himself up as if the self-pleasure had never happened.

* * *

He couldn't remember how he made his way to The Rabbit Hole. He knew it was supposed to be a regular work day and then dinner with Belle. Married for five years now. She hinted they had plans and had it not been for the incident that happened in the bedroom he would have rushed off to the library as soon as he possibly could to treat her out to a special evening. Instead he stayed behind the counter of his shop and blankly stared at every little trinket on display. When it came time to close, hardly a customer in that day, he made a note that he should stop by any of the few small stores in town and pick her up a simple apology gift to add to the anniversary present he purchased weeks earlier. Before he knew it he had pushed open the black doors to the bar and was greeted with blasting rock music from the juke box and the aroma of different alcohols swirling together. Laughter and indistinct conversations fought against the music. It wasn't the atmosphere he needed or even wanted at that moment but it was so inviting that he couldn't help but agree with himself that maybe a drink or two wouldn't do any harm.

Shaun took a seat at the bar and was greeted by the bartender instantly.

"Mr. Gold? Surprising to see you back here so soon. We usually go months or years in between your visits." He was using that same off-coloured rag from nights before to clean a glass.

"Just the usual, please." Shaun knew he wasn't anywhere close to being considered a regular at the bar but having lived in Storybrooke for half his life he was well known and that was enough to have them well aware of what he favoured. After Milah's betrayal he came in every day for a week and nursed the whiskey in his glass. He wasn't one too get rip-roaring drunk, but he did enjoy a hard drink during hard times. It was only after sitting down at the bar for the eighth night in a row when he realized how much he needed to stay away from The Rabbit Hole and how much he truly despised it. If it hadn't been for that stupid bar he never would have met her. Of course, there wouldn't be a Baelfire either...

The bartender grabbed a clean glass from under the counter and filled it with Gold's favourite. He stared at Gold for only a moment, examining his worn down expression before moving on to cater to the young frisky couple that took seats on the opposite end.

Shaun took a long drink from the glass and exhaled after the liquid went down. It was amazing and filled in stomach with a warm feeling that relaxed the knots he was feeling.

If only another place in Storybrooke sold alcohol he wouldn't be trapped in this dingy bar when these hard times came over. If only he didn't feel the need to have a drink at that exact moment he'd almost be willing to drive to the next town over to purchase some. That would be far from an excellent idea, he laughed at himself, he'd be getting himself into trouble if he did that. Belle would wonder where he was and if he was so stupid enough to drive home and take a sip of what he desired it would only cause more tension between them.

The couple at the other end were wrapped up in each other. Arms and legs somehow entwined while they sat on the stools and took slow sips of their drinks. Kissing and giggling was frequent.

Gold glared at them; jealous that he could never be that bold with a woman. Jealous that Belle would never let him touch her like that, public or not, these days.

He finished his glass and asked for another. It was a night where he needed to get drunk.

The hours slipped by more quickly once the drinking became more fluent. His body relaxed and the tense feeling he had accumulated over the past few weeks was drifting away for tonight. The drink was good; strong and comforting like a warm blanket after a cold night. His annoyance from the young couple disappeared by the third glass and soon he had forgotten about them entirely. For one that didn't drink often he was impressed with how well he was holding his whiskey. He felt his phone vibrate from a text message when he asked for his fourth glass.

Belle: _Are you still working? I thought we had plans for tonight. The shop was closed when I went by. Call or text me when you can. I hope you're okay. XO_.

His eyes were heavy and he needed to re-read the message over several times before grasping what Belle had sent him. Shaun knew all too well that he had neglected to inform Belle that he was at The Rabbit Hole. He gave no implication that he was going to swing by after work and told her that it was rent day so it may take him a bit longer than normal to join her for dinner. Though they were just words on the screen, he could see her concern in the words.

The next glass of whiskey was placed before him and he clumsily slipped the phone into his suit, ignoring her text. His mood was clearly lifted by the drink. Liquid courage had done its job well enough to make him transform from the meek middle ages man to one that was feeling on top of the world. He almost held a level of regret for not coming in and drinking so heavily sooner once the problems arose. He knew that it wouldn't solve the problem but it sure as hell made them go away long enough to make him feel better.

"Sorry Mr. Gold but I think you've had enough for now." The bartender kept the dirty glass this time and refused to refill it for the sixth time. Shaun's eyes were heavy now and his body was slumped over the counter.

"Just one more," he pleaded softly.

The bartender gently shook his head. "I'm sorry but I can't let you. You've had enough. Did you drive, Mr. Gold?"

Gold sighed and accepted his defeat with more ease, use to the rejection. "Walked."

He clumsily paid for his drink and slowly made the attempt to stand up; thankful that he had a cane to be his aid for the first time in forever.

With a loud screech of the stool being pushed across the slick floors of The Rabbit Hole Gold fell backwards and attempted to sit back down on the stool to regain focus only to have it slide under him and falling onto his rear. Patrons in the bar stared and others laughed as he made the attempt to prop himself up again.

"Here, let me help you," a familiar voice aided. "Something tells me that those rumours Mary Margaret is getting around town is true."

Heavy eyes were against him as Shaun looked at the person who was helping him. David grabbed hold of Shaun's shoulders and helped hoist him up to his feet, slowly guiding him out of the bar. "You've only ever been drunk once, Gold, and the whole town remembers that incident," David pushed open the door and the strong pine scent helped clean his lungs of the thick bar aroma. "What's going on with you and Belle?"

Shaun kept his eyes on the dark sidewalk in front of them, his cane making a sliding noise against the cement that irritated him. A private and timid man and here his business was being spread all over Storybrooke. Everyone in this town was soon going to know that the problem between the Gold's was the lack of sex. How utterly humiliating. He knew the town would just laugh at him as they did when Milah left. They were disgusted when Belle took an interest in him, suggesting that she only took an interest in him for money and that he was lucky to ever get a beautiful woman again. No doubt the town would even be amazed to discover that they were having sex at all, but to have it stop, that would be humorous to the small Maine town.

"It's personal," he slurred.

David kept his grip firm as he continued to guide Shaun back to his home. "I don't think it's going to be personal for much longer. I won't tell Mary Margaret anything but a lot of people saw you in there tonight and word is going to get around. Whatever is going on between you and Belle should probably be resolved soon."

Gold felt the pain in his ankle creep up on him. Though the alcohol was beautiful and numbing it, but the walk home made the pain more powerful.

At his home he could spot a light on, he assumed from the sitting room.

"Do you need me to help you in?"

Shaun shook his head. "No. You've done more than enough. Thank you."

David raised an eyebrow and kept his support on Gold. "If Belle's awake, she's not going to be happy. You sure I can't help you in just to give you time until tomorrow?"

"No," Shaun said again. "Thank you David but I can take it from here."

The light from the sitting room hurt his eyes and he kept them all but closed as he stumbled his way into the house. In the sitting room sitting down with her arms crossed over her chest and in that beautiful silk robe was Belle. Her blue eyes were narrow and lips were pursed. It had been so long since he had seen her this angry. Only once had she ever been so furious and he hoped to never see it again.

"You're drunk," she noted with an icy tone.

Shaun collapsed in the chair across from her. "I needed to escape," he explained feebly. "I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Take what?" She didn't give him time to respond before her eyes went large and she stood up. "This is _still_ about sex, right? Shaun now you're drinking because I won't have sex with you?" Her voice was firm, low so that if someone was to pass by they wouldn't hear a word that was shared between them.

He didn't want to argue with her. Not now, not ever. His head was aching and needed nothing but a shower and sleep to help this growing headache pass. If she wanted to argue he wished she would have waited until he was a more sober to do this.

"You're not telling me why you won't sleep with me." The desire to sleep was beating against his skull but the alcohol was a wonderful aid in having him step up and finally confess what he'd been keeping tucked away.

"You wouldn't understand," she gently sighed and uncrossed her arms. "I need you to trust and respect my decision."

Gold scoffed. "Your decision? You're my wife and I think if one of us is going to withhold sex it should be discussed and agreed upon. At least a legitimate reason given!" His voice knew no control and the words spilled out louder and harsher than intended. "Damn it Belle, after what Milah put me through do you really think I want another wife to be disgusted at the thought of having sex with me?"

Her lips were pursed together even tighter and she was appearing to be holding back tears. "I'm not Milah, Shaun," she whispered. "Stop comparing me to her. We're nothing alike."

"How do I know you're not fooling around behind my back with someone else? I know the only reason those two fools Gregory and Keith ever step into the library is to gander at you! Am I just such a horrid beast to be intimate with Belle? Am I just not up to par with your lovers?" His tone was rising more and the slurred words were coming out in a thick mess that even he struggled to understand.

Belle stood up from the chair and stood firm as tears brimmed over her lashes and down her fiery cheeks. "How dare you!" Her soft voice had joined in volume and was wavering through tears in an attempt to stand firm. "You have no right to talk to me like that."

He scoffed once more at her. "But you have all the right in the world to keep sex from me, dearie?"

The moment he uttered the sarcastic and fiery words towards her he held nothing but regret in his heart. Out of all the times in his life where he could have used courage and a firm standing he chose tonight. The words were unlike his meek personality and shot towards Belle in a harmful way. He had told himself over and over that he was not entitled to sex with her because they were married and yet he now shamed her for withholding it from him. The nerve was struck.

"I didn't meant that," he attempted to cover up his tracks. "Belle, I'm sorry."

She exhaled sharply and roughly brushed the tears off her cheeks. "You can sleep in the guest bedroom, Shaun. You won't be joining me in our marital bed any time soon."

With a small and almost silenced whimper she turned around and made her way up to the bedroom, locking the door behind her.

He swore under his breath and slowly made his way to the bathroom to rid the bar smell from his flesh.

The water was hot and relaxing, exactly what he needed after the argument. His mind was nothing but blank as the water beat down on his back. Had he not been drinking he would have stayed in the shower and focused on a million and one ways he could apologize to Belle for his harsh words, but tonight all he could do was watch the water circle the drain as he struggled to stay upright and clean himself.

Shaun wrapped a towel around his waist and with heavy reliance on his cane, stumbled along the wall to his room for the night.

The guest room had a fresh set of linens on them from earlier in the day and a clean pair of pyjamas were folded neatly atop the pillows. On the closet door hung a fresh suit and shirt for the next day and his basic needs for the morning were neatly placed on the dresser.

Despite how rudely he spoke to her and how terrible they both felt, she had gone out of her way to make him comfortable. Shaun dejectedly sighed and struggled to slip into the pyjamas, the drunk state and desire to sleep starting to win now that he had wound down from the argument and shower. Resting his head upon the pillow was heavenly and helped his body continue the process of recovery, preparing him for a thick hangover the next morning. He was too exhausted to even think of how he was going to apologize to Belle.

From their master bedroom he heard Belle sobbing.


	5. Chapter Five

The sun beaming through the sheer curtains and birds twittering rapidly woke Shaun up the next morning. His head throbbed as a terrible reminder of what he had been doing the night before and a groggy glance around the room confirmed that the dream he had of arguing with Belle and being banished to the spare room was true. Shaun covered his eyes from the light and breathed deeply. He knew he messed up with her somehow. The night before was a bit of a haze still but to be sleeping where he was he knew he did something horrible to her.

He glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand; nine thirty in the morning. It was the latest he had slept in months.

The cell phone was charged next to the alarm clock and read that he had several missed calls and unread messages. All from Belle asking where he was and if he was all right. His heart sank and the moments from the night before that he could remember painfully dragged over him.

" _I'm not Milah, Shaun. Stop comparing me to her. We're nothing alike._ "

" _How do I know you're not fooling around behind my back with someone else?  I know the only reason those two fools Gregory and Keith ever step into the library is to gander at you! Am I such a horrid beast to be intimate with Belle? Am I just not up to par with your lovers?_ "

" _How dare you! You have no right to talk to me like that._ "

" _But you have all the right in the world to keep sex from me, dearie?_ "

Shaun sighed and ran his hands through his salt and pepper hair. The one time he was harsh with words and it was to the only woman who had ever loved him.

Breakfast was grim without Belle beside him chittering about the new book she was beginning or the group of Kindergartners' that were coming over for their field trip for her Wednesday afternoon story time. There was no warm scent of food and no presence that Belle had even been there that morning; painfully reminding him of the years before she came along and he ate simple meals alone each morning.

On his way to work he was shocked to see that the library had the closed sign displayed. A weekday and during the school year, Belle almost never had the library closed unless she was ill or they left early on a Friday to visit Bae in Boston. Seeing the closed sign filled him with guilt and he wished nothing more than to apologize there at her feet.

The shop was having a slow day for once and he was thankful for that. His mind was elsewhere and he considered himself flipping the open sign around and resting in the back room to tend to his hangover.

With a chime, the bell on the front door ran and David made his way in.

"Just checking up on you, Gold," the man said in an optimistic tone.

"I'm fine. I don't think any need any hospitality today," he mumbled wishing that he never turned the sign over to allow business in the first place. He should have done the same as Belle, but that would have only caused more whispering throughout.

David's face grew serious. "You were a mess last night you know. Between your injury and how drunk you were I didn't think you were going to make it home in one piece."

A fate he would have preferred if he knew how horribly he was going to speak to Belle.

"Did you talk to Belle this morning about what's going on between you two?"

Details. Of course Mr. Nolan would want to have the details of what went on. This town and their obsession. If he hadn't been so scared to start anew he would have left when Milah took Baelfire away and hidden himself until the visits came about.

Gold shook his head gently. "I might have said something the night before that upset her."

"Really? I didn't know you could even do that," David said dumbfounded as he leaned over the glass counter to become more engrossed in what Shaun had to say. "What happened?"

Shaun felt a new annoyance growing. Did David Nolan really need to know all the details? If he hadn't been so stupid and enjoyed that damn whiskey so much the Nolan's wouldn't be any wiser on what was going on. He was certain now all of Storybrooke was laughing at him like they had when Milah left. The Nolan's had already made their attempt once before to reach in and find out what was going on, he was too scared to open the problem up for display.

"My words hurt her. Nothing more," he finally said.

David raised an eyebrow. "You seem pretty upset over just a few words. Did you apologize?"

"She was gone before I woke up and the library is closed. I haven't yet had the chance." He couldn't even if she was right there before him as much as he wanted to. He knew he had gone ahead and messed this up. Belle was a kind-natured and loving woman but there wasn't a chance she would be willing to brush aside his behavior and carry on as if it never happened.

"Have you tried calling or texting her? Maybe she just needs time to clear her head and would be willing to make amends before you got off work?" David suggested.

He hadn't even thought about getting a hold of her through her phone. She was making it very clear that she wanted to be left alone and he assumed that if he did take the moment to text out to her that he wanted to meet up soon to apologize that she would ignore the message the same he did to her the night before.

"I think she just wants to be left alone at the moment," Shaun said in his low voice. "I appreciate your help last night, David, but it's going to take some time for Belle to forgive me after what I did last night. You're not going to leave my shop unless I tell you more details, aren't you?"

David pushed himself off the glass counter and almost positioned himself in an eager position. "We are practically family since our children are married. Let me help."

Shaun sighed. David had pulled the in-law card on him at an inconvenient time. He spoke slowly and softly, near a whisper that had David leaning in closer at times as he explained the entire highlights of the tension between him and Belle over the last year. David was quiet the entire time and refrained all reactions until Gold finished.

"Out of nowhere?" David confirmed.

"Out of nowhere," Shaun repeated.

David furrowed his brow. "I've never heard of anything like that before. I know after Mary Margaret had Emma she wasn't in the mood for a few weeks, but months? I don't think even Mary Margaret could go that long, no matter how badly I messed up."

Gold lifted his head quickly. "You think it's my fault?" It would make sense, if only he could remember how and why he made the mistake.

"Oh, no, no," David corrected himself. "I mean there have been nights where I've really pissed her off and we don't have sex for a week or two, but for months? I didn't mean that you did anything wrong, Shaun. We all know you still hold a lot of blame over what happened between you and Milah and when Belle came around you were a completely different person." David moved his eyes over his own wedding ring.

Shaun said nothing and looked away.

"Have you gone to see Doctor Hopper?" David finally suggested. "On your own or for marriage counseling?"

"No," Gold bit his lip. He had gone once in a blue moon to see timid Dr. Hopper but admitting to more and more people about this personal issue was humiliating. Emasculating. Hopper was different than the rest, though. Shaun could admit that. "I could ask her."

"It's a start, Shaun. You'll never know, maybe it'll help."

* * *

  
Belle was curled up in their bed reading a new book, a title he could not read from his current position. Her eyes wet from the emotions the book gave her, hair wet from the quick shower she finished, pyjamas locking in the warmth as she snuggled up in the quilt; her body in a ball as she read with dedication. A usual sight that Shaun loved to set his eyes upon, but tonight it was different and her face wore a heavy coat of exhaustion and the events from that afternoon were still fresh on her brilliant mind.

She came home late that night and whispered that she wasn't hungry, only wanting a hot shower and time to unwind. Shaun was surprised to see her so off. Belle was promptly home by five fifteen every day and would have dinner started by the time he walked through the door ten minutes after her. They would prep the meal together and clean up as they spoke about their day before settling down and enjoying their meal.

" _I'm caught up in something and won't be home until late. Sorry, sweetheart. Have dinner without me and I'll be home as soon as I can. Don't worry, I'm fine! XO._ " The message sent to him at four sixteen in the evening said.

The message didn't stop him from waiting impatiently throughout the house when he finally finished for the day, wondering where she could be and what she was doing. Belle walked through the front door a little after seven with heavy eyes that looked like she had been crying and her a pale face as if all her blood had been lost.

"Sweetheart?" Shaun held her close and noticed the smell of antiseptic was faint in her hair. "Are you alright?"

Belle gave him a weak smile. "I was visiting the hospital today. Reading the little children stories and it just made me sad to see them all in there."

He smiled back at her and held her tighter. "You're such a loving woman, Belle. I've saved some dinner for you."

"I'm not hungry, Shaun. I think I'm just going to shower and head to bed, but thank you." She pushed away from him to release herself and slowly made her way to the bedroom to grab a change of clothes to sleep in. "Don't stay up too late," she reminded him.

As Belle showered he packed up the dinner he left for her and placed it in the fridge, finished up the dishes, and made sure all the other daily chores were caught up before he retired. Shaun took a quick shower himself and made his way quickly to the master bedroom to join Belle.

"A new book?" He hadn't remembered her telling him about the one she was dedicated on at the moment.

She closed the book and brushed her eyes. "Yes. It arrived in the library today but I wanted to read it before I put it out for the town. It's very good; though heartbreaking at times."

Gold tugged at the blanket she was wrapped in and she unraveled herself to allow him to get under the covers. "Do you want to tell me about it? I've missed you all day, sweetheart."

Belle shook her head and set the book on the nightstand. "I just need to unwind tonight, Shaun."

He missed her dearly that day and had been thinking about her at work. Sex had been on his mind for a majority of the day and the desire to be with her was maddening. The night before she had initiated sex right there in the sitting room and purred on about how much she had been in the mood while at work that day. Their sex life was far from vanilla once she grew comfortable with being intimate, but it was always a treat to be with her intimately in an area that wasn't their marital bed. He knew she was tired tonight and figured she wouldn't be interested in penetration, telling him that tomorrow would be better, but there was another way he knew he could help her loosen up to sleep better.

She needed rest, he knew, and it wasn't too uncommon to see Belle a little off when she would come home from the hospital after reading to the children. For the rest of the day her mind would still be on the children there anything from a broken arm to critical condition. She spent time with as many of them as she can and by the next morning, she was chipper once again.

He awoke before her the next morning, his desire from the night before still lingering around. The amount of sex Belle had been initiating had been a special treat that made him even more grateful he was with her.

Shaun gingerly moved his hand across the bed and made his way to Belle's waist. Her silk pyjamas inviting and playing into his aroused mood already; his mouth ready to lap at her. His finger hooked around the band of her pants and gave the most gentle of tugs when she reacted, pulling her away from a light sleep.

Belle snapped her knees shut and held his wrist, her eyes full of panic in the moon lit room as if he was about to harm her. "What are you doing?"

Shaun was stunned. There had been nights where she told him she wasn't in the mood and others where he had said the same to her but it had never been like this. Belle adored oral sex and even on the nights where she would moan that she was tired, she still allowed him to dwell between her legs. She never pushed him away before and never had her eyes worn an expression of pure horror.

"I was going to..." he trailed off. She knew exactly what he was going for and what intentions he held when he grabbed at the waistline of her pyjama pants. An action that they carried out hundreds of times before and this morning was the first where she stopped him from touching her. "What's wrong?"

Belle held her grip on his wrist, the knees still locked. "I don't want to. I don't feel well."

"Sweetheart, if you didn't want to you could have just told me no," he tried to laugh it off, hoping to make her dismayed expression go away and have her smile with him. "You don't need to be so stiff. I thought you'd enjoy being awoken this way..."

"I know, Shaun," Belle murmured. "I appreciate the gesture, but I have to decline. Not today. Not for a while."

He should have known better. On top of reading to the children it must have been time for her monthly cycle. Belle was never fond of sex during menstruation unless it was in the shower and even then oral was clearly out of the question.

"Of course sweetheart, my apologies."

Belle's body relaxed and she buried her tired face into the pillows to get comfortable, closing her eyes and instantly attempted to drift back to sleep. Her body remained tense, implying that something heavy was on her mind.

Gold sank into the bed and pulled the blanket up to his chest, staring at the white ceiling above. His erection was winding down slowly, angry that it was being denied and he cursed himself for making the attempt.

The mood would return in a few days, he was certain, he just needed to wait until her cycle was finished.

* * *

  
After David's visit, Shaun closed the shop for the rest of the day and cautiously made his way down the street to the small building where Dr. Hopper had his practice.

Shaun only came to see Hopper once. He came to the Doctor late one night as his practice was closing and feebly pleaded to be seen; an emergency. Shaun crawled to the Doctor drunk. The only time Storybrooke saw him a complete mess and the day everyone in town learned that Milah Gold was walking away for good. He needed to talk and had no where else to go without judgement.

The Doctor accepted his request and made it appear to be no trouble to listen to Shaun sob into his hands about Milah leaving him for Killian, regretting that Baelfire was Shaun's, how miserable he was. He was a complete mess and slurred horribly to the timid man who took the time well into the night to help him with his problems.

In the morning Archie Hopper greeted him with a friendly 'hello' and left it at that.

He knocked on the door gently and could hear the Dalmatian Dr. Hopper owned, Pongo, eagerly greeting the door.

"Oh, Mr. Gold. I didn't expect to see you," Archie smiled, clearly surprised to see his new visitor.

"I was wondering if you had the time..." Shaun started trail off and considered walking away. Walking away wasn't going to help him confront this issue with Belle and fix the problems in their marriage.

Archie opened the door wider. "Of course. I don't have anyone coming in this afternoon so you're more than welcome."

Pongo happily sniffed around Shaun's legs as he walked in, careful not to accidentally hit the animal with his cane. When he sat in the stiff chair, Pongo copied and sat down next to Archie.

"I assume you already know why I'm here," Shaun said stiffly.

The Doctor frowned. "Storybrooke is small. The news has been floating around that you and Belle are having some difficulties. I know you're a private man though Mr. Gold and I always assumed that if you were going to tell me the problem it was going to be the same as the first time you ever came in."

"Has anyone said what exactly the problem is?"

"You sound like you don't know yourself." Archie scratched behind Pongo's ears. "I've heard that there is some tension going on. You've been frequenting The Rabbit Hole more as of late and it's causing problems."

Gold's mouth thinned. "I've only been drinking more because of her behaviour."

"Her behaviour?"

Shaun sighed again and for the second time that day, explained what was going on between him and Belle. He found comfort knowing that at least Archie was much less irritating of a man to talk to compared to David. He may as well go up to Sidney Glass and have the entire story properly published at this rate.

"She's never given you a specific reason?" The common question was asked.

"No. She's stiff. Keeps to herself more. She isn't the same Belle I married."

Archie was quiet for a minute and thought hard about how to respond. "Have you tried dating Belle over again?"

Gold felt lost.

"Take her out on a date. Remind her of the reason why she fell in love with you. Jog her memory of the times before whatever caused her to change. Romance her all over again. Be patient with her, Mr. Gold. She's young and maybe there's more she's going through than you understand." The Doctor shifted uncomfortably at the end of his sentence.

Shaun watched Archie's body language carefully and put it together. "Has Belle been in to see you?"

Archie swallowed. "Mr. Gold, you know I can't give out any information about what we talk about, but Belle has been in to see me once or twice."

"Oh," Shaun exhaled sharply and gripped his cane from excitement. There was something wrong with her. Secretive enough to only see Dr. Hopper for now, but it was a lead that he graciously welcomed.

"Mr. Gold, I'd advise you not to pressure her..."

"I've been patient," Shaun said firmly. "It's been over a year now since this has started. I want to know what's wrong with my wife. She...she won't let me even touch her. Belle becomes stiff whenever I try."

"You're worried she's going to leave you like Milah did," Archie said, already knowing that Gold was thinking the same.

Shaun nodded in agreement. "I love her."

Archie smiled. "We all know you do, Mr. Gold. Do you think that you both would be able to come in on Thursday for a couples session? I'd like to help you both and hopefully clear the air on what may be going on between you two."

"If she's willing to even talk to me," he mumbled hopelessly.

* * *

  
There was no need to rush home. He was certain that Belle wouldn't back at all tonight. There would be no warm and loving aroma of dinner or her perfume lingering around after she left the room. He'd be clouded the same isolation that was his companion for years. Shaun would be lying if he said it didn't bother him and the isolation was expected. 

Dr. Hopper was his key in getting her to talk to him again. Even if he casually could see her and tell her about the appointment it would be more than enough to give him hope in saving himself.

The pink house was warm when he walked in. Lights on, soft music playing on the radio in the kitchen and Belle was cleaning up dishes from the small dinner she had prepped. It had been less than a day since he saw his wife and yet the sight of her in the kitchen, unaware of his presence, calm and relaxed with her beautiful accent singing off-key to the song she loved it was enough to send a harsh squeeze to his heart.

Belle turned around to put the dishes away and instantly stopped in her tracks. Her expression was calm; not shocked or angry but blank, telling him that what he said to her next would determine her reaction.

"Hey," Shaun whispered to break the silence, hoping it was the right greeting to use.

"Hey," Belle whispered back with a weak smile. "I made you something to eat," she spoke softly and waved her hand towards the plate of food on the table. "I didn't know when or if you'd be home but I didn't want you not eating."

Was this a good time to apologize? She seemed almost willing to overlook their spat from the night before.

"Thank you. I appreciate it, Belle."

Belle put the plates back in their cabinet and turned off the radio. Her lips parted, indicating that she wanted to say something, but she was holding back.  
"I went to Dr. Hopper today," Gold said. "He's hoping to see us on Thursday for couples therapy to work on...us."

Her red lips pursed together and she took a deep inhale. "I'd like that."

Gold felt his luck growing.

"I also wanted to apologize, Belle." He took a step closer towards her and was even more relieved to see her stay still and not back away. "My actions the other night were unbecoming. I should have never said that to you and I know that I should stay away from the bar."

When her lips formed into a smile it took Shaun all his composure to not fall to her knees and continue begging for forgiveness. He was a weak man, that had been proven time and time again, and yet Belle was the only one that could ever make him feel strong. Falling to his knees and crying for her to forgive was not weakness in his eyes.

"I accept your apology, Shaun. I also would like to apologize; for not giving you a reason as to why."

His heart beat picked up. "Are you--"

"No," Belle shook her head. "No, Shaun. I'm sorry. Not tonight. I won't tell you tonight. Maybe after our appointment with Dr. Hopper I may finally have the strength. Ruby said I should finally do it-- no, no, she doesn't know the reason why, but when I told her today that you didn't know she said I really needed to hop to it." Her face looked conflicted and he knew she was debating on how and when would finally be the right time to tell him. 

He reached out for her hand and she graciously accepted his fingers interlocking hers.

"Thank you."

Shaun was cautious as he brought his face closer to hers. He couldn't remember the last time he had ever kissed his wife properly. Weeks? Months? Apart from the few pecks on the cheeks there had been no proper intimate connection between their lips. It was long over due.

"I love you, Belle," he breathed, giving her no time to respond as he gently pressed his lips against hers.

They were warm. Heavenly inviting and soft; smooth from the thin layer of gloss that she would apply hourly to her lips. She didn't pull away from him and instead leaned into the kiss, wrapping the free hand around his shoulder into a gentle embrace.

He pulled away from her only to let her breathe and once he saw her exhale, resisted the urge to connect their lips together once again.

"I love you too, Shaun," Belle exhaled with a flushed smile.

Shaun knew better by now to press his luck with her, especially so soon after reconciling with her, and parted. "I'll get started on the housework."

Belle shook her head and re-established the connection between their hands. "No, actually," she paused and was gathering her strength, "would you join me in the bedroom?"

"The bedroom?" Gold questioned if he even heard her right.

She nodded slowly. "To make love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few things I wanted to clear up...
> 
> \- Gold knows well enough that he's not entitled to sex, but when one gets married it is something to expect at some point during the marriage. Belle has a personal reason that has taken their healthy sexual relationship into nonexistent and the non-sexual side of their marriage also struggles. He's very timid and there is no way he'd ever force himself on Belle. He's trying to warm her up and arouse her so that the sex can be consensual. Trying to understand what she's struggling with as well so the bond between them can be repaired. 
> 
> \- I do have my fair bit of knowledge and experience with a relationship type like this -- as much as I hate to put that out there but people are growing frustrated with Belle so I thought it might be time to clear the air here with her-- Belle's behaviour, believe it or not, is common when there is a dead bedroom. An exact reason for lack of intimacy will be hard to extract and, because of that, can cause many (other) problems. Once the sex goes, other intimate moments such as kisses and deep talks may eventually fade away as well moving into separate bedrooms. 
> 
> Sorry!


	6. Chapter Six

This had to be a dream. It couldn't be possible that, after everything that had happened over the past two days, Belle was wanting to scurry away to the bedroom and have sex. Months had passed since they were last intimate and even now Gold struggled to remember exactly how Belle's body felt in his aging hands.

Belle held his hand as they slowly walked together up to their bedroom. They said nothing and his mind was racing. What exactly had Ruby said to Belle? There was no reason why she would go from rejecting him the day prior, snapping her legs shut and pushing him away to bringing him to bed the next. That wasn't normal. The last time they made love, all those beautiful long months ago, the situation had been similar. He had tried daily to caress her and attempt to make her feel relaxed and aroused. She pushed him away and asked to be alone; only to return to him later that day or even later that week, for sex.

Shaun opened the bedroom door and reached for the lights. It was worth the attempt, but ever since the change occurred Belle demanded that the lights remained off.

"Please," she whispered, "don't turn on the lights. I don't want to be seen."

He opened his mouth to argue that he _wanted_ to see her bare flesh but decided against it. Shaun knew that there was a strong possibility this could end in disaster and did not want to run that course.

The sundown helped provide enough light through the curtains to illuminate the room well enough for him to see Belle remove her clothing. She started from the top and worked her way down. The buttons were nervously unhinged from each other, shimming out of her white shirt as quickly as she could. Her skirt followed, sliding down her curved hips easily and being tossed away to the far corner of the room.

Gold let out a small gasp. Seeing her in nothing but her under garments, sitting on their marital bed, and removing her black stockings was such an erotic sight to behold.

"Why haven't you undressed yet?" Belle questioned once her stockings were finally torn away.

He apologized and quickly removed his own clothing to catch up with her.

"Are you ready?" He asked, hoping for full consent and guidance to come his way.

Belle nodded slowly and relaxed her body down upon the mattress.

Shaun was sure to remind himself to keep a slow pace. Rushing forward would likely startle and make Belle push him away once more. Kissing, yes, that seemed like a good place to start he was certain. Her lips were still warm and their gentle kisses parted noisily. Belle let out soft moans from the kisses, giving Shaun all the pride in the world at that moment. She wasn't overly excited to kiss him and their actions were far from hurried, but clear enough by the moans, he knew he was doing the right thing to her.

In his original plan he told himself to work from her breasts and spoil them until he made his way down to her core. That was the plan. His common technique that he used every single time and had, hopefully, never failed to make Belle moan with pleasure. He skipped her breasts and found himself between her legs to start, too eager to take his time with each loving portion of her body.

Her hips arched forward once he found a good rhythm with his tongue; swirling and dragging along her delicate flesh. Belle's breathing grew deeper and her hips continued to arch into his face to tell him that she was enjoying what he was doing.

"It feels good?" Shaun asked, parting away just enough to speak.

The sun was fully away now and the bedroom was dark, but he was certain Belle blushed. "Of course, Shaun." Beaming, he returned down between her legs and continued to pleasure her. Oral was the strongest point he had and though his leg may cause him to stop before either finished and scream at him for moving to a difficult position, his tongue would never fail her.

"Is it alright if I...?" Gold whispered, already accepting the upcoming rejection.

"It is. Just please be gentle."

He couldn't believe his ears. Not only had she been to one to propose sex, she deliciously moaned as he pleasured her, and she was allowing him to enter her. He would be as gentle as possible. Shaun gripped his cock and guided his tip to her entrance. It was wet and as wonderful as the sensation was, he knew the moisture was from the oral sex they had completed and less than likely her own personal excitement.

Her body tensed up instantly from the tip of his cock and he considered pulling away and telling her that they had done enough and not to push their luck. Desire was overpowering. Belle had a firm grip on the bed sheets and pulled on them as he entered her. A rough groan escaped from Belle that implied discomfort.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

"No, it's just been a while," she murmured.

Shaun slowly began to thrust his hips. In and out, slow paced to ensure Belle was comfortable and his rushing did not upset her anymore. Her body remained stiff as if she was unwilling; an opposite of her body moments before. The groans from Belle stayed deep and soon her core was dry, confirming that the wetness from before was only from his mouth placing it there. His thrusts grew quicker and hoped that the pace would help her feel more pleasure; she always enjoyed the fast and rough thrusts before the sex seized. There was a pained look on her face. She wasn't enjoying this, that much was certain. Her body was too tense, the sheets coming undone from her tight pull, and her face scrunched up angrily to fight away the pain.

"I can't do this anymore," Shaun stopped his thrusts and instantly Belle's body relaxed.

"You can't?" He pulled out of her, now soft and rolled onto his side.

"I can't do this, Belle. You seemed so willing when I went down but now...I feel like I'm hurting you; like you're only having sex with me because you feel obligated to."

Belle pursed her lips together and rolled over to her side so that her back faced him. "I tried, Shaun," she whispered.

He re-positioned his body to spoon against her, holding her close. "I know you did, sweetheart. I appreciate your effort. You didn't have to do that and you did." He kissed the back of her head and heard her whimpering. "Are...are you crying?" Shaun asked, propping himself on his arm to peek over to Belle. Her eyes were shut and tears were slowly coming down. It wasn't a hard cry but something from the way they made love had set her off. "Belle, please, whatever I did...I'm sorry," Shaun wrapped an arm around her torso and held her close. Her crying was still soft and he was relieved to know that this time she wasn't going to push him away. "Did I hurt you?"

"No. Shaun, I promise, you did nothing wrong."

"Then why are you crying, sweetheart?"

She shook her head and let out a soft sigh. "I don't think I can ever do this," she moaned.

* * *

Thursday fast approached and with their appointment with Dr. Hopper only an hour away, Shaun was kicking himself mentally for not taking Belle out for a proper date in that time. It was advised to bring back the romance to their relationship and instead they had sex that ended with her crying into her pillow. He could have taken her out over the next two nights to Granny's and re-enact their entire first date, complimenting whatever outfit she chose to wore, bringing up the date to her and how they met all because Bae wanted to read. Instead there was an awkward recovery between them that would be obvious to Hopper the moment they sat down.

They sat on the couch in the office, Belle lovingly petting Pongo almost lost for the true reason for their visit, while Archie sat opposite them with a nervous expression.

"It's good to see you, Mr. and Mrs. Gold," he cleared his throat. "I've spoken to you both briefly on what is going on and now I think it's best that we start to clear the air."

Belle was taking deep breaths, her chest slowly and deeply rising from the nerves.

"What would you say is the main issue in your marriage?" Though it had been established earlier in the week by Gold, there was the possibility that Belle wasn't on the same page as him and would find something worse to be the issue.

Her eyes slowly met with his and wore an uneasy expression.

"You can say it first, sweetheart," Shaun whispered.

Belle let out a drawn out breath. "Shaun and I," she paused for a moment and licked her lips, "we don't have sex anymore." Archie said nothing and only nodded in agreement. "I know I've spoken to you about this multiple times before," she continued, "and you've been very patient in hearing the same story over and over again, but I think I'm finally ready to admit that this is _my_ fault."

A weak gasp escaped from Shaun; all he could do was stare at his wife with wide eyes.

"Mr. Gold -Shaun- Belle has admitted her fault; what do you believe is yours?" Archie's tone remained neutral.

Shaun was quiet. The problem was the lack of sex and communication, which Belle had just before him admitted was her fault. It was hard to hear his wife take the blame for a disintegrating marriage. He wouldn't let her take it all; he was equally to blame for this.

"I didn't take the time to pursue what was wrong with her until it was too late," he admitted. "Until the day things changed, Belle seemed to be her normal, happy self. Perhaps I was too preoccupied with myself to see a problem going on until she couldn't take it anymore."

Belle's eyes had begun to swell with tears now. Red, cheeks flushed, and a distant look that told him that she was remembering the reason for the change.

"Are you both willing to make attempts to resolve this issue?" Archie's voice still remained neutral, but now more compassionate.

Both Shaun and Belle nodded their heads in unison.

Dr. Hopper tapped his notepad with his pen, clearly debating on his next question. "How often are you two having sex now?"

Gold was certain that if Belle had been seeing Dr. Hopper regularly like she had implied in this session that she would have mentioned it to him. Unless she had been glossing over how many times they really were intimate these days or avoided giving him a direct number.

"Once or twice every few months," Belle whispered. "He'll ask enough or I'll feel so much guilt for not being with him that I'll do it and afterwards I'm still feeling guilty, only then it's for a different reason. Shaun asks regularly. Every couple of days he'll make an attempt by asking or trying to arouse me."

There was a small spark of irritation growing in the back of Shaun's mind. For over a year he had been trying to have his wife tell him what exactly the problem was. Why did she cry after sex? Why did she push him away? Why was she no longer aroused? Months and months of trying and she had been sitting in Dr. Hopper's practice for gods know how long, spilling their personal life out and making very little progress with the confessions. In one session she had revealed more about their problem than he could have forced out of her at home in the last year.

"I love him," she continued. "I tell you in every session how much I love him and hate hurting him. I just can't continue hurting him."

"Have you two ever considered an affair or divorce?" The question came forced from Archie and it was clear he was uncomfortable to mention it.

Shaun cleared his throat and spoke. "I've never considered an affair. After Milah, I couldn't imagine putting someone through the same thing she did to me. I love and respect Belle too much to even consider that." Shaun reached across the couch and grabbed a hold of Belle's trembling hand. "I don't want to divorce her, either. I want to work this out."

Belle smiled. "I don't want to divorce, either. I haven't thought about an affair. How could I? Right now I can't bear the idea of even having sex."

"Why don't you tell your husband how you feel about sex, Belle?" Archie set his notepad down and gave her his undivided attention. "You don't have to look at him and you can pretend he's not here. Just repeat everything you said to me when I asked you in the beginning."

Gold knew the answer. She was no longer physically attracted to him and though she loved him, there was no way she could continue with unsatisfying sex with an old, spineless man.

"The idea of sex," she let out a weak laugh at herself, "it exhausts me. Just thinking about doing it drains away my energy. I feel like it's going to be too much work and I feel anxious. My body, when we finally do it, just lays there like a starfish and I wish it was over. It's not because I'm not attracted to my husband, but because I no longer like the idea of sex. Right now I believe that I could go the rest of my life without it and be satisfied."

The confession crashed against Shaun like a heavy wave that would later drag him down and drown him. She had never implied anything like this before and though he noticed her body always was tense and in a starfish position, he was uncertain how to best approach it. Belle said she was keen on the idea of no longer having sex; where could he possibly go from here?

"I had no idea," Shaun gasped out, still wide eyed.

"Belle, you're doing wonderful in today's session; do you think we could tell your husband why you feel like you can't tell him your reason as to why you feel this way? Perhaps the reason itself?" Archie had scooted to the end of his chair and taken Belle's other hand to comfort her.

She shook her head. "I can't. Not today."

Archie nodded. "That's alright. You did beautifully today Belle. I think we've made a bit of progress between you two and if you two are willing, I'd like to see you both next week to continue."

They agreed to return at the same time next Thursday and thanked Dr. Hopper for his time. Gold had to admit, the counseling had gone over much better than he had anticipated that morning and felt a twinge of optimism growing in his heart that one day in that tiny office she would tell him what had been her reason. Shaun was certain he waited until they were in the car before he said anything to her.

"How many people know what the problem is?" He tried to keep his tone calm and non-confrontational.

She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her long hair. "Three."

Gold appreciated sitting down. She had not only given him an answer, but a number bigger than he expected and he needed the comfort of the chair keeping him supported. His cane surely would have failed him at that moment.

"Th-three?" He stuttered. "I'm your husband, Belle, why haven't you told me?"

She turned away from him and stared out the window, watching the leaves blow past them as the car remained parked. "It's not like I wanted that many people to know. I want to forget about it but that's clearly just making things worse."

"Who all knows?"

"Archie, Dr. Whale, and Ruby," she mumbled.

Gold tilted his head back against the headrest of his seat. "Even the Doctor's wife knows. Did he tell her or did you?"

"She was _there_ , Shaun. It's not like I wanted her to know. Archie only knows because Dr. Whale referred me to him to help with this problem." She roughly brushed away the tears from her eyes. "If I had it my way no one would know."

"Belle, you weren't--"

"Raped? No. I promise that's not what happened. Shaun, you can trust me on that." Her body relaxed against the seat and she let out a low sigh that rang with exhaustion. "Can we go home, please?"

He nodded in agreement and took her home. The tension appeared to ease between them almost instantly when they returned as they prepped a late dinner together, she pulled out the ingredients for his favourite meal and the dinner conversation for the first time in weeks was relaxed with laughter, telling him stories of the children that came to the library the day before and the silly questions they would ask her about the books they were reading. Shaun felt this growing surge of optimism in his body and clung to it for dear life. It was something, a sign of progress, and he was going to treasure it.

"You seem happy," he pointed out as they prepared for bed.

Belle smiled, "I think finally confessing a bit of what's going on is helping tear the weight and guilt away."

"We'll go slow," he promised, "I don't want things to remain as tense as they have been this past year."

She nodded in agreement. "You've been more patient than I deserve."

"It's because I love you, Belle," he pulled back the soft covers an sat on the bed. "You've been patient with me many times and more kind than any other I have met."

She gave him no verbal response, yet swore he heard a relieved sigh slip from her. 

In bed, she graciously allowed him to spoon against her as they fell asleep so long as he promised to make no attempts to touch her sexually. Shaun adoringly accepted these small steps; happy with the progress they were picking up. It had been the first time in weeks he was allowed to hold her as such in bed.

* * *

 With a single rose in his nervous hand, Gold felt like a complete child. The same action done years before came off to Belle as sweet, knowing he was pressured by his teenage son to pursue his interest in her, but now he was older and on rocky terms. This would no doubt scream pathetic to Belle.

He stepped into the library and found her working on her daily logs at the circulation desk. Shaun was careful to hide the rose behind him until just the right moment - or when she rejected the idea and he could throw it away without her seeing it.

"Shaun? Hey, I'm surprised to see you here. You haven't been by the library in months," Belle raised her tiny body up from the chair to peek over the desk. Her good mood still present from the night before.

"I wanted to ask you something," Shaun mumbled softly, repeating the same words he spoke to her the day he asked her out. "I know it's late notice but I was wondering if you would care to join me at Granny's for lunch?"

Belle's eyes darted to the computer screen to read the time in the tiny corner. "If you're not up for it--"

"Oh no. I'll come with you. I planned on working through lunch but it's not like I'm bustling with customers today," she laughed.

The first time he asked, Bae nudged his ribs to remind him to give her the flower and had the widest grin he had ever seen on his boy's face as if he knew Belles face would light up at the sight of it. Bae encouraged the rose, advising that he heard it was one of her favourites.

"Here," Shaun spoke softly as he presented the rose. "If you'll have it."

She eyed the rose suspiciously, perhaps catching on to his plan to re-create their first date. Belle took it and thanked him, keeping it in her gentle grasp as she walked with him out the library. Neither of them spoke until they arrived to Granny's. The lunch hour rush had yet to start, much to Gold's relief, and they took a seat in the same booth has their first date. He needed to make sure everything was perfect.

"So what prompted this?" Belle asked, a delicate finger playing with the petals of the rose.

"I thought it would be nice to take you out for lunch," he swallowed hard. "You know, we hard our first date here...in the same booth we're sitting in to."

Belle looked down at the worn seat she was on and her surroundings. "You remember the exact booth?"

He smiled. "Of course I do, Belle. It was a very memorable date for me. You were the first woman I ever felt anything for that felt true and if it hadn't been for Bae's push, I don't think I ever would have asked you out."

"I think Bae wanted to play matchmaker," she laughed. "You know, when he'd come to the library alone before you asked me out he would love to talk about you while we looked for the book he wanted. He'd ask me dozens of personal questions, you know now that I look back, I think he was trying to spark an interest."

"I had no idea that Bae was scheming around the entire time to set us up," he smiled at the thought; Bae in his younger years plotting to pin his old Papa with the beautiful librarian. His hand slid across the table and touched her gently. "Listen, Belle, I was hoping today we could just have a nice lunch and not think about the issues going on at the moment. I don't want to stress you out by making you believe that I'm only taking you out for lunch in an attempt to guilt you into bed."

Belle pursed her lips together and her cheeks turned bright red. "I assumed you were just trying to erase the tension."

"Oh, sweetheart, I am," he squeezed her hand, "and today I've seen you smile than you have in weeks. Take this as an attempt to start over."

"I would love that, Shaun," she smiled again and it was beautiful, "I only hope you'll fo--"

Shaun waved his free hand dismissive. "No more talk of that today, Belle. Instead shall we remember the good times?"

Her smile grew wider, spreading as far as possible for her to go. "Of course, love."

They ordered their usual, hamburgers with iced tea, the same meal they shared on their first date. Belle raved about the hamburgers cooked by Granny and every time the food was placed before her it never failed to put a smile on her face. 

"You were so nervous on our first date," she laughed. "Always fumbling and stuttering around and then when Ruby brought me my iced tea you knocked it over and spilled it all over my dress."

"I thought then you'd storm out on me," he recalled. "I was very rusty in the dating game and I just wanted things to go perfectly."

Belle let out a soft giggle, "Even with my iced tea covered dress, it was the most wonderful date I had ever been on. You were the perfect gentleman."

Gold took a quick sip from his drink. Iced tea wasn't his first choice of beverage but he wanted to stay true to the small, yet memorable, details of the first time. "I tried. What exactly did prompt you to agree to go out with me?" He had been curious for years and never bothered to ask, worried that she would take offense to the question.

"You were different. I didn't date much, but something about you Shaun just told me you were a beautiful, kind person. Before you asked, Bae would tell me about how he loved spending the two weeks with you and how loving, yet sad, you were. I had never met a man who adored his child so much. You have so much love in your heart but you didn't know how to distribute it after being hurt so many times."

He almost felt unsure how to properly respond. Her answer was simple and honest, bringing back those memories of his clumsy attempts to woo her.

"Even with that answer, I'll still never understand how you've managed to stay with an old monster like me."

Belle dragged her teeth along her bottom lip with discomfort. "You're not the monster, Shaun. These days, if anything, I'm the monster for what I did."

What she did? Shaun fought back the urge to pursue her with more questions. Dozens of different responses were flooding his mind rapidly, each more horrifying than the last. He'd ruin the date if he pursued with questioning and he was certain she'd begin to cry. Ruby Whale would storm over and give him an earful as she'd carry Belle away to the back of the Diner and he would be left alone, embarrassed and riddled with guilt. It wasn't worth it. He needed to be patient. 

"No more of that, Belle," he lifted her hand and gave it a soft kiss. "Tell me instead about the book you're reading. You've hardly put it down since you started."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Starfish" is a common position within dead bedrooms (if and when sex is to occur) and it's exactly what you think; body spread apart but rather unresponsive to the (consensual) penetration.


	7. Chapter Seven

 The date ended smoothly and, with much caution, the topic of their problematic sex life was not brought up again. Pretending that there was no sexual tension between them was a relief and he could be more sympathetic as to why Belle would put on the act of playing the perfect household. Anything was better than walking around with the stabbing feeling of marital complications in the back of his mind.

Pretending there was no issue was wonderful and he only wished ignoring it would make it disappear forever, bringing back his old Belle to him.

He walked her back to the library and at the entrance placed a small kiss on her lips, to which she returned. She smiled, cheeks pink, and thanked him for the sweet lunch and promised to see him home later that night.

For the first time in over a year, Shaun felt like things were perfect.

His stroll back to the pawnshop had him feeling on top of the world. Shaun could ignore the stares that people gave him, the whispers of his marriage that was popular for the rumour mill; none of that mattered at this moment. He had just finished a date with Belle and she allowed him to kiss her. Nothing could bring him down. In the shop he could no longer contain his excitement of their progress and dialed Baelfire's number. He knew the conversation would be mostly one sided, with Bae hovering over toddler Henry and bouncing between talking to his Papa and warning his son not to pull out the pots from the cabinet.

"Hey, Papa, what's up?" Bae's voiced was relaxed and Gold was thankful he caught his son at a good time.

"I wanted to talk," he spoke cautiously, "about how things are going between your Mom and I."

He could hear Baelfire shift his position on the other end of the phone. "Yeah? Did you talk to Mom and figure things out?"

"We're getting there. It hasn't been an easy couple of weeks since you left. There was an argument on our anniversary and--"

Baelfire abruptly cut him off. "An argument? Papa, you and Mom _never_ argue!"

"It was my fault," Shaun mumbled, "I went drinking and said some things to her that I shouldn't have."

"Oh, Papa," Baelfire sighed. "Don't tell me you gave her hell about not having sex with you." The silence on the other end confirmed Bae's accusation. "Really, Papa? Shit, I can't blame Mom for being pissed at you after that. You apologized right?"

Gold crinkled his nose. "Of course I did. Belle is more forgiving to me than I deserve. We started couples counseling to help get things better."

"And? Did she tell what's been going on?" Bae seemed ready for any answer, holding the perfect fitting reaction on the tip of his tongue.

"Not exactly. She's building up to it and she's told me more in the session than she has over the last year." It wasn't much, Gold knew, but it was better than he was weeks ago and he'd take it.

A loud bang on the other line followed with Henry saying "uh-oh" was the response first given. "Henry, be careful! Your mom is gonna freak out if you break her swan figurine!" Bae let out a relieved exhale when he realized that the figurine was undamaged. "That's great, Papa. Don't pressure her, just remember to take things slow and respect her. Mom's strong as hell but she's going to need all the support and love you can give her during this. Whatever her reason is, it's got to be because of something serious."

"I can't figure it out," Shaun replied defeatedly. "Every time I go back to the night where she first rejected me and her behaviour changed I can't put it together what could have possibly happened."

"I think you're just going to have to be patient, Papa. Maybe Mom will relax as the counseling continues and she'll realize that it's finally time. It's all up to her. The only thing you can do is support her and remind her that you are there for her no matter what."

"What if she decides not to tell me? Belle always tells me that I'll be angry with her once I find out." Though their progress on Thursday had been more than he expected, there was that lingering fear that Belle would keep a tight grip on her secret forever.

"I don't think she will. Mom loves you, Papa. She's just struggling right now."

Shaun went to respond to his sons words when another loud bang came from the other end. Henry's voice was audible, though distant.

"Uh-oh, Daddy. I spill!"

Bae let out a soft groan. "Sorry, Papa, I've got to go. Henry here thought he could pour juice all for himself and it's all over the floor. Crazy kid thinks he's an adult these days. I'll talk to later. Send my love to Mom, okay?"

"Of course son, I love you," Shaun couldn't help but smile. Bae himself was just as much into things as Henry was these days.

"Love you too, Papa."

He put the cell phone off to the side and exhaled deeply. Patience. He could be patient. He waited years for her to come into his life and he waited months between seeing Baelfire again. Shaun knew he could be patient if he tried.

* * *

Menstruation. That had to be the reason why. It had to be time for Belles cycle. She was never very fond of the idea of sex during her cycle and he never asked once she bled for the first time after they married, noticing her discomfort at the very idea of him even knowing that it was time.

Shaun waited patiently. He gave his wife the space he knew she would need and when he found her crying in different rooms around the house, he let her be, knowing that she would dismiss his attempt at comfort by joking that it was just the "stupid hormones" that she was dealing with. She cried more during this cycle, he noticed, and seemed less happy than ever.

Her cycle felt like it was lasting forever and he could only imagine the frustration Belle would be going through to still be dealing with it a week later. Never before had he seen so many packages of sanitation pads fill the bathroom cupboard. Shaun felt like he could finally understand why she was crying so much; the length and heaviness of the flow was clearly agonizing for her and he wished he could offer her more than a simple pill to ease the pain.

When he took notice of the end of her menstruation he waited patiently to catch her in a good mood before attempting again.

"You're in a good mood today," he addressed after lunch. The first time she resumed her humming while she cleaned off her plate at the sink.

"It is a good day," she said calmly. "or at least I'm trying to make it one."

He came up from behind and placed his hands on her hips, feeling instantly her body turn rigid as if she was made of stone. As his lips came to kiss her on the neck she craned it away as far as she could without leaving her position.

"What's going on?" His attempts to kiss her, or even _touch_ her had been rigid like this for weeks. He was willing to let it slide so long as she was menstruating but now he was aching to touch her.

"It's nothing," her voice coated with discomfort. "I just don't feel like being touched right now."

He backed away, giving her the space she wanted. "Or ever, it seems."

Shaun knew he struck a nerve with her. Belle dropped the dishes she was cleaning down in the sink without a care of the splash the water gave on her blouse. "Or ever? What is that supposed to mean?" Her eyes were narrowed and wet hands were bunched into bubble covered fists.

"It's just," he backed away from her to give her the space she obviously desired, "you haven't wanted me around much over the last few weeks. Whenever I try to touch or kiss you, you pull away from me and grow tense. You're acting strange."

Her eyes began to swell with tears and he could see more sadness on her face than anger at him for asking. "You wouldn't understand, Shaun. It's a woman thing." She relaxed her hands and the bubbles began to pop away.

"A woman thing? Belle, I've noticed your menstruation cycle last much longer than usual are you sure it's nothing to worry about?"

Belle pursed her lips together and took in a deep breath to compose herself. "It's fine. I already saw Dr. Whale about it and it's normal."

"That doesn't sound normal, Belle," he protested.

"It's fine!" She snapped. "Please don't bring it up again. You know for a fact that I'm not comfortable talking about this."

Belle pulled her hand away and left the room. The amount of steps she took told him she headed to the small library he had made for her when they married. The small library was her personal sanctuary and over the last five weeks Belle had all but slept in the room.

Shaun collapsed his body into the closest chair and closed his eyes. Of course he would be the one to push her away. He'd lose her too in time and she'd give him a reason about why he was the reason. He had a good feeling Belle would snap at him for being too nosy about something she declared was private and push him further away until she was ready to leave.

Belle did not emerge from the library until Shaun knocked on the door to tell her about dinner. Her mood was lifted by then, obvious that the book she read had made her dismiss their spat and turn her attention towards the optimistic outlook she had before he approached her. At the dinner table she told him about her story. Something about family dynamics, he couldn't quiet remember what the plot-line was only that it was happy in the end and Belle had enjoyed it.

He was cleaning up after dinner when he made a cautious approach.

"I want to apologize about earlier," he said in a low voice, hoping not to anger her by bringing it up again. "I shouldn't have asked about that and I'm sorry."

Belle's smile dropped a little. "No, Shaun. It's quiet all right. I shouldn't have snapped at you and stormed off the way I did. You were just concerned. Can we just pretend it never happened instead?"

"Of course, sweetheart." They  _always_ forgot about it.

The following day resumed like their normal play-by-play. Breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner, and then little conversation as they sat in the same room practicing their hobbies. It had been like this since she came home from the hospital looking pale as a ghost. She was cheerful again today and Shaun was ever grateful for that. Belle would stop in-between her chapters of the new book she had picked up and would explain her feelings on the new chapter; expressing a dislike for the protagonist and their impulsive behaviour, feeling sympathetic for the antagonist and her lover that had been killed. He didn't need to read the book to know the entire plot. 

"Do you want to go to bed?" Belle asked suddenly.

"Bed? You mean to sleep?" He was hopeful she meant something else.

Belle smiled and rolled her eyes. "Shaun, of course to sleep. Why else do people go to bed?"

He was daft to think she'd mean sex.

No sooner had they both slipped beneath the sheets had Belle's mood taken a surprising turn from her normal characteristics and trailed her fingers to his groin, gently teasing his cock by rubbing her fingers around it. She had been quiet with her approach, startling him when she took a gentle grip of his cock over his pyjama bottoms.

"Apparently not to sleep sweetheart?" He gasped out, his heart pounding with the desire to touch her. 

She hushed him, telling him that she didn't want him to talk and it would be best if he stayed quiet. Shaun couldn't protest with that. She was imitating sex after weeks of being stiff and troubled with a painful menstruation. He would do anything she asked at this point just to please her.

He stifled his groans the best he could as she pulled his cock from the prison of his pyjamas; pumping at a slow pace to begin with and as Shaun moaned more, increasing the speed until he was fully erect. His moans grew louder and he gently reached a hand over to cup her breast. She returned his action with a quiet moan and released his cock, rolling on top of his lap instead as if she was preparing to straddle him. 

Belle hoisted her nightgown over her hips to reveal she had come to bed without her panties and Shaun bit his lip to keep from complimenting the beauty of her mound.

She raised her hips up and guided his cock towards her entrance, teasing it enough to have him gasp out her name to beg her to continue. Belle obliged and allowed him to enter her. Her face cringed as his tip made his way inside her and Shaun could feel that her body was tense and the familiar wetness was absent causing a tight discomfort for himself as well. When he was fully inside Belle began to rock her hips back and forth to build up a pleasing speed that they both could enjoy. She let out soft, delicious  moans that drove him wild and he was brought back to the last time they ever had sex. Hips hands gripped her hips, savoring the feel of her flesh and assisted in rocking her hips back and forth at a faster pace.

"Oh, gods," Belle panted as she dragged her nails along his chest. "Shaun. Please."

He enjoyed the scrape of her nails. She was always careful to not get carried away but tonight he didn't care; she could scratch and bite as hard as she wanted if it meant they would be intimate with each other. The tingling sensation from her nails was a beautiful reminder that this moment between them was real. 

Though Belle had requested he remained quiet, he couldn't help but moan her name, pushing her hips faster and pushing down on them to encourage a pleasing grind that have them both reaching a fulfilling orgasm. He could feel it building up fast and knew if she continued to ride him the way she was it would be over before Belle would be satisfied.

"I can't!" Belle suddenly cried. "Shaun, I can't!"

"Belle?" His hands released from her hips and put them by his side, hoping that he had done nothing to offend her.

"I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much."

"Hurts? Belle, am I doing something wrong? Is it the position?"

"No," she whimpered and rolled off his cock with a strained groan of discomfort. "I just can't handle the pain anymore." Her body curled up into a loose ball, her back towards him.

Pain? Never once could he recall Belle crying out from pain during sex. Their first time was difficult, he could admit, Belle's body rigid yet willing beneath him and her body bleeding from her stiff position. She laughed though, at the blood, Belle had dismissed it and as he continued to thrust into her, her body relaxed more and more. This was different. She was on top and for the first time declared it hurt.

"Do you need to see a Doctor?" It was the only thing he could think to say.

She shook her head and pushed it deeper into the pillow as if to bury her embarrassment. "No, Shaun. It's been a few weeks that's all and I'm a bit rusty from the break. Be patient, please."

He positioned his body appropriately to cradle her from behind. 

"Yes, darling. Take as much time as you need to recover."

* * *

 It was their sixth meeting with Dr. Hopper and their Thursday tradition became the highlight of the day. If he was fortunate enough, Belle would begin to share more and more clues to reveal what happened to her but her lips were all but sewn together during the last two sessions. With Belle's stubborn behaviour Archie took the direction to Gold and his feelings over the last year and a half.

"I think we've focused a lot of the past few weeks on your husbands feelings here Belle," Archie affectionately scratched behind Pongo's ears who was lazily sitting on the couch next to him. "Do you think today we could direct the attention back to you Belle?"

Belle nodded slowly and fiddled with the hem of her skirt; a nervous trait she picked up during the sessions.

"I understand it's been difficult for you to open up since our first session, Belle. You were making wonderful progress in our private sessions but I need your cooperation here." She nodded again. "Have you two been intimate since we started counseling?"

"No," Gold said immediately and, catching the wounded expression Belle gave him, instantly regretted how fast he gave a response.

Belle cleared her throat. "We've been talking at our dates and we're remembering a lot of the good times...before all this went down."

"Is there a reason you haven't tried being intimate?"

Gold looked to Belle. He couldn't very well up and say it was because she wouldn't let him. She wasn't aroused and he had no desire to force her into a position where she would push him away again or feel violated. Shaun had gone and taken everyone's advice; don't pressure her. It felt as if he was walking into a brick wall repeatedly at this point.

"I can't gather up any desire too," she whispered. "When I finally do feel aroused, I remember what happened and I want to get out of the situation."

Archie turned to Gold. "Have you attempted to arouse your wife, Mr. Gold?" The mixed signals from everyone was throwing him off point. "No. I've been trying to respect the distance she desires." Dr. Hopper slowly nodded his head. "It sounds like the two of you have reached a wall here in your progress. We've talked a lot about how both of you are feeling, you more than your wife, Mr. Gold, and yet no physical contact has been made to heal what's going on between you two. Do you think you could try something small before our next session?"

"Small?" Belle questioned.

Gold could see the Dr. Hopper's ears turn a vibrant shade of pink. "Foreplay. You two could start with something small like caressing each other with or without clothing on," Archie cleared his throat to shake off his embarrassment, "or you could try with some heavier touching such as oral sex or inserting fingers or such inside yourself. I'm not asking you to allow your husband to full put himself inside you right away. I want you to go at your own pace, but the key word is try. You need to try for yourself, Belle."

Belle nodded again. "I can do that."

Both Archie and Shaun smiled.

"Do you feel like sharing anything today Belle? More on your behaviour or opening up to your husband about what happened?"

It was a long-shot, he knew by now, but he was hopeful. 

"I've tried," Belle announced. "I've tried telling Shaun many times about what happened; about what I did, but every time I try it doesn't work out. Something happens to stop me."

Shaun grabbed her hand. "Sweetheart? What happens?"

"Something stops me. We argue, you fall asleep, you rush off to the bar, I get scared and remember what happened," she sobbed. 

"Why can't you just sit me down and explain it to me?" 

Belle weakly exhaled. "Because it takes everything in my power to find the courage."

Gold looked to Archie who was intently listening to her words, hoping he would offer aid but the Doctor seemed nearly at a loss with what to say.

"You've told me before, Belle. Our second session you told me everything you need to tell your husband. You _can_ do it."

 Belle shook her head. "But I'm not married to you and I'm only here because Dr. Whale was concerned. I'm sure he would have told you eventually if I didn't budge."

Archie looked defeated. "Belle, your marriage is in trouble because of this secret. You need to repair your relationship with your husband as well come to terms with the incident."

She turned to her husband, who still had a grip on her hand. "How do you go about explaining something like  _that_ to someone you love?"

* * *

 "Are you ready?" Belle asked, for once her voice not layered with nerves. It was a wondrous sight to see her sitting on the bed and not fiddling with any fabric to express her discomfort. She looked confident. Ready. The conversation from her private session with Dr. Hopper this afternoon, nearly a week after they were encouraged to begin small moments with intimacy, aiding with the energy she held tonight. 

Shaun nodded. "Yes, darling. We'll go as slow as you want and if you feel uncomfortable you know I will stop right away."

Belle laid down upon the bed and parted her legs just enough to where he could slip a hand between her thighs. It was clear enough that she was aching to have him reach for her core right away but he wanted to do it right. He wanted her aroused, comfortable and relaxed. Willing and knowing that he loved her.

Shaun pushed a lose curl away from her face and kissed her jawbone, working his way to her parted lips. He kissed her as gently as he could to keep her calm behaviour with them. 

"I love you, Belle," he whispered before kissing her again.

She took the opportunity between his kisses to say it. "I love you too, Shaun."

The kissing between them grew more intense; deeper and more sexualized than the beginning. Belle let out soft moans during the kisses and it drove Shaun wild to know she was pleased by such a small, yet affectionate, action. His hand trailed down to her mound and he began to stimulate her clit with his thumb, rotating it in small circles to spark arousal. When she didn't ask him to stop, he pursued her further, dropping his index finger down to her slit and slowly zig-zagging along the entrance to tease it until she was ready. 

"Do you like that?" He asked, please when her moan deepened as he moved to her slit. 

Belle nodded and brought him in for another kiss.

It was her idea to attempt the foreplay and he made a side note to thank Dr. Hopper for whatever it is they spoke about in private; it clearly sparked something in his young wife to initiate intimate touching and not push him away. 

With his thumb still attentively still focused on her clit, Shaun slipped his index finger inside of her and nearly recoiled when she let out a low gasp. The slow and careful movements had paid off; wetness greeted him. 

"You're feel amazing, love," he whispered into her ear. 

His wife arched her back and raised her hips slightly from the pleasure. "Don't stop. We're doing good...I think we can do this."

Shaun hushed with another kiss. "Don't think about that, Belle. It's just you and me here."

He pumped his finger in and out, picking up the speed only when she requested it. 

"I'm close," she panted, gripping the back of his head and tugging on his locks. "Oh, fuck. I'm close."

It was answer he wasn't expecting to happen tonight. Though it seemed impossible for her ever to become aroused, she had responded tonight in the most beautiful of ways. She reached a climax, letting out a soft cry and gripping his hair to keep her in reality and when finished closed her eyes with a small smile on her face. 

"I did it," Belle gasped with disbelief. "I did it."

Shaun glanced at his finger coated in her orgasm and smiled. "You did, darling."

* * *

 It had been three days since they shared their intimate moment and it was enough to keep Gold distracted at work the entire time. The bothering customers seemed less of a bother than usual since then and that intruding Mary Margaret even commented on his perked mood. 

He had just finished with a customer, sending him off with an old clock for his mother, when Belle sent him a text.

_Please come home. It's an emergency._

In the beginning of their marriage it was far from uncommon for them to send messages to each other, titling their need for afternoon sex as an emergency that needed to be fulfilled at home. Belle worried too much about being caught in the library or pawnshop despite him insisting they could lock all of the doors.  Shaun knew this wasn't a long-forgotten text asking for sex in the middle of the afternoon and when he called to make sure she really was okay, she assured him everything was fine but it was important he came home at that exact moment.

Had his leg not been damaged he would have ran from the car and into the front door of the pink house to see whatever it was Belle needed aid in. 

She was sitting in the living room, hands in her lap fidgeting with her hem. 

"Belle? Is everything okay?" He closed the door behind him and took long strides to reach her.

"Yes," she said simply.

"You said it was an emergency? What's going on?" He sat down on the couch next to her and placed a hand on hers to stop the fidgeting fingers tear apart her skirt.

"I think it's time I told you what happened," Belle whispered.

 


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Medical Triggers.

There she was, sitting beside him with her fingers kneading into the thin fabric until it turned into frays. Already he could see the sweat form on her brow and her bottom lip being violently dug into by her teeth, getting closer and closer to breaking the skin. Body stiff, knees together and back pressed against the soft chair. Whatever she had to tell him was ready to boil over and tear her apart. Never before had he seen her look so distraught. 

"You're certain this time, Belle?" 

She stopped digging into her lip, thank gods, and nodded. "Yes. Yes, darling I'm reading."

Shaun grabbed one of her anxious hands and held it softly enough to offer comfort and still gave her the option of pulling away if she became too overwhelmed by this. He had to let her know she was safe and he was calm. One of them needed to be calm and Belle was so far from herself now, panicked and ready to share her dark secret after months of him trying. She was far from the woman he fell in love with. In truth, he was just as anxious as she was for the confession but knew the confession would only come out smoother if he held his composure. 

"I wanted to tell you right away," she started in a rushed voice, "I thought it would be adorable to reveal it the way I had planned out. Oh, Shaun, so many times I wanted to tell you right then and there, ignoring all my little secret planning. I assumed that you would catch on before I could reveal it, that you would pick up on my lack of menstrual cycles or my physical changes. When it happened I just thought it would be best to forget about it. You never knew and without knowing, I thought we could carry on with our lives. Never did I thought it would end up turning me into a monster." She paused only long enough to take a deep breath in, not giving him any time to speak. "Shaun, I was pregnant."

Weight fell onto his body, pulling all air from his lungs and clouding his mind with a swirling grey fog that left him feeling sick to his stomach, as if he was ready to purge his meal in front of her. Pregnant. Belle had been pregnant. Was he that oblivious to his surroundings that he missed her growing belly and signs of morning sickness?

"Pr-pregnant?" It was all he could sputter out in a broken voice.

Sometime during her reveal and his clouded thoughts, Belle began to cry with fast tears streaming down her flushed face. 

"When Dr. Whale told me I was pregnant, a little over a month along, I wanted to tell you right away. But I thought of all those adorable announcements on how parents reveal that they are expecting and I wanted to make it special for you. When you found out about Baelfire it was a horrible experience for you and I wanted the opposite for you. I had two special plans in mind on how I would tell you," she let out a dark laugh at herself. "I never got big. My stomach stayed flat for the most part and it looked as if I had just eaten one of Granny's hamburgers so it was going to be more special to go with the second one. I knew you'd worry as soon as you found out and I thought  maybe the later I told you, the less you'd worry." 

She paused, letting him offer any input he felt necessary but all Gold could do was sit there and absorb his wife's story.

"Dr. Whale agreed to let me come in at eighteen weeks to let me know the sex," she continued. "Once I knew, I was going to buy a few items and then present them to you, letting you know we were having a child. He even agreed to let me come back the following week to let you see the baby, knowing how important it would be for you since you never got that opportunity with Milah. I had the earliest possible appointment with Dr. Whale that morning, right after breakfast, so I could have time to do a bit of shopping before I read to the children that afternoon." Belle paused again and tilted her head back against the chair to collect herself. "He couldn't find a heartbeat. Somewhere, somehow, I lost the child.  _Our_  child."

Gold felt the colour in his face slowly drain away and his body transforming into a shell. He wanted to speak up and ask her a million questions he had swimming around the grey fog but he couldn't gather the energy to put them together.

"Ruby was there. She was bringing Dr. Whale a bit of breakfast and when he hung up the phone to let her know it wasn't a good time, I asked him to bring her in for support. I couldn't do it alone, Shaun, but I couldn't have you there when it happened. I couldn't let you see it. I was induced and labour was only a few hours long. Dr. Whale was amazed at how quick my labour was," her voice began to break and she feebly made the attempt to suppress a sob. "He was so beautiful, Shaun. I had never seen such a beautiful child before."

_He_. 

Shaun found his voice, barely above a whisper; "He?"

Belle nodded slowly. "A son. He was so handsome and tiny with the most delicate features you could ever imagine. I kept hoping that when he was in my arms he could come back to me and there would be some miracle that he would live. Somehow he'd be able to survive if he was in the NICU care long enough and we'd be able to walk away from a terrible nightmare with our son. I wouldn't let anyone take him away from me and held him in my arms, telling him stories about you and Baelfire. When they took him...Ruby had to hold me back. I couldn't let them hurt him, he needed me and I needed him."

"Why didn't you call me?" Shaun breathed out, exhausted from her story. 

"I didn't want you to know I had lost him," her voice was laced with deep sorrow. "I know how hard it was for you to have Baelfire taken away from you and I didn't want you to go through it again. I thought that maybe if I lied and put on an act that everything was okay I would be able to forget about it and spare you the pain." She let out a loud whimper, digging her nails into her knee. "I  _couldn't_  forget about it though. I couldn't forget about our son at all. Shaun, I promise you, I tried to tell you so many times and I wanted to break down to reveal it all but I couldn't. I hurt you and betrayed you by keeping our son from you. I'm no better than Milah."

Shaun slowly pulled his hand away from hers. He wanted to speak, he  _needed_  to speak.

"What did they do with my son?"

Her teeth went back down onto her bottom lip, ripping into the swollen and indented flesh. The skin finally broke and, with a whimper, blood seeped through. "After the hospital ran a few tests on him to see if anything was wrong, he was cremated."

A blow went to Shaun's chest. "Where is..." He couldn't bring himself to ask about the urn, if there even  _was_ an urn. It could be anywhere in Storybrooke and the idea of it being somewhere he walked past nearly every day made him feel sick. "Belle, then why the lack of intimacy?"

There went those teeth again; gnawing down on her broken skin to force more blood to come out. "After I lost him I was depressed. I suffered for what happened every day what happened and it began to change me. When you proposed intimacy, I couldn't get aroused, I remembered the day I lost him, there was always physical pain to go with the emotional battle I was facing. Dr. Hopper, he said it's an arousal disorder. There were many factors to aid into the disorder, all before I even married you, but the loss of the baby, he said it was the tipping point that brought me over. I've been fighting against it, refusing to follow his guidance to heal and face it. Again, I thought if I didn't acknowledge there was a problem that it would eventually go away." She used a shaky hand to remove some of the blood from her mouth. "I never meant for it to get out of control, Shaun. I swear to you, I thought I could  _handle_  it so it wouldn't even grow into this disaster."

Shaun relaxed his body and let out a long exhale. The grey fog still clouding his mind, sucking up every single word Belle confessed to him, leaving him only emotions of anger and disappointment in his reach. An arousal disorder seemed so far-fetched and an excuse that he couldn't call her out on until he looked into it. 

"All this time," Gold began as he failed to keep his voice as neutral as possible, "all of those moments of me trying to get you to talk, those nights where I was rejected and forced to suppress my urges, feeling guilty for even asking...it was because of a lie?"

Her bleeding lip trembled. "I was trying to spare you from pain, Shaun."

"That worked out well, didn't it?" He scoffed, causing her to jump in her seat. "You  _lied_  to me, Belle. You hid a pregnancy from me, our child - my son - is gone and I never got to say goodbye to him because of your actions. You refuse to take guidance from Dr. Hopper for this claimed arousal disorder and put strain on our marriage. How could you do that?"

Gods, did he have terrible timing at gathering his confidence. It had to be now in front of the woman who had treated him better than anyone, or so he thought, in all of his years in Storybrooke. He couldn't have stood up to Milah years ago when she took away his son; he didn't fight for rights to care for Baelfire and allowed her and Killian to walk up and down him until he became dust. The one woman who ever showed him compassion would be the one to receive the brunt of his anger, snappy comebacks, and harsh words that should have only been for Milah. But Milah never hid  _this_  from him. Milah kept their child and let him know that she was pregnant with his own. She could have ran away to Florida with Killian as soon as she could, hiding his son away forever but she had some humanity in her wicked heart to let him know she was with child. Belle, opposite of Milah, he thought, hid it all away from him and never once gave an implication that she was pregnant. Belle waited over a year before confessing about their child and some apparent arousal disorder that prevented him from bedding her. She was no better. 

"I knew you'd be angry, that you wouldn't understand," she spoke in a defensive tone and ran her tongue along the cut on her lip where the scabbing would soon form. 

"Of course I'd be angry, Belle. How could I possibly understand why my wife would want to hide away about our child and then spout on about some claimed arousal disorder?"

Belles nostrils flared, the nerve he intended to hit was struck. "I have pictures of him," she bluntly stated in her delicate voice.

His stomach dropped and the anger that was boiling inside him fell with it to a low simmer. "What?"

From behind the chair she pulled out a small box, painted with pale shades of blue and gold into a striped design with a gold 'G' on the lid of the box. She held the box carefully in her lap as if it, and everything inside, was made from glass. 

"Everything of his is in this box," she whispered. "Do you want to see them?"

Gold nodded slowly, a knot in his stomach making the urge to vomit come over him that he found almost impossible to ignore. 

Belle was careful when she opened the box, pulling out a small crocodile plush from the top of the pile. "I bought this the day I found out. The first gift I was going to give our child." She didn't offer it to him and instead held it close to her chest, breathing in whatever scent the crocodile carried with it. 

Next her hands pulled out a small stack of photos, which she handed to him.

"Before they took him away, Ruby went to the gift shop and picked up a disposable camera to take pictures of us. I asked her to take a few photos of us so I could remember what he looked like."

There weren't very many pictures in the stack, implying that less than a full roll was used to take pictures. The first few were of Belle, eyes red and swollen with her hair in a messy ponytail, holding a small bundle in her arms that he couldn't see. A light blue blanket in her arms that enclosed around someone so frail; their son. As he made his way through the images he was able to see his child. Each photo was a different pose. Belle had opened up the blanket in a few, some closed in on his frame, showing off his tiny feet to form a heart, his fingers wrapped around her pinkie as if he knew who she was. In one her hospital gown was parted to open up to her breasts and the child laid against her warm skin in a comfort position, where, if he was alive, he would hear her heart beating. Gold had no idea what infants in the womb looked like except for what drawings in educational books showed him and it was nothing like what was before him; a small blood-red body with eyes closed and mouth slightly parted. A nose, straight and perfect like his mother's, ten fingers and ten toes curled up as if he was warm in the blanket she had wrapped him in. It was almost too difficult to keep his eyes on. 

Shaun couldn't speak. A quiet release of breath escaped from his lungs but it was all he could get out. 

The second child he had missed the birth of, the second child that had been taken from him. 

"I have," Belle interrupted his thoughts, "the urn in here if you want to see it."

"It was here the entire time?" The anger began to boil back up in the bottom of his stomach. "Every day we've had our child in our house hidden in some closet?"

Her hands were in the box, clasped around the urn he assumed, waiting for his approval to pull it out. "I didn't know where else to put it. If I had the urn on display you would have known and I would have been reminded every day about what I did. I couldn't leave him in a memorial, Shaun. He needed my love and protection."

"Let me see my child," his voice was laced with bitterness.

The urn was small. Nothing like he had seen before when loved ones commonly cremated those that they loved. A child, premature at eighteen weeks, wouldn't become much. It was clear she had the urn custom made after the loss; it matched the box it was in, pale blue with light gold trimmings and a 'G' on the front of it. In his hands, the urn was light - almost weightless - and it was impossible to believe that all that remained of the child they created together was within that tiny jar. 

"Did you name him?" The urn was cold.  _It shouldn't be cold_.

"After your grandfather, Aaron," she murmured, bringing the crocodile back to her chest in memory. 

_Aaron Gold_. It was too mature for such a small being, something that didn't fit right. He had no say in Baelfire's name either and where Milah came up with that, he'll never know, but Bae was suited for his son. 'Aaron' didn't fit for this child at all and if she had given him the choice, he would have gone for something different and certainly not after his grandfather. 

"Belle, did you ever plan on telling me?" He knew the answer. It was obvious enough by her confession that she was to carry this to her own grave as her dark, terrible secret. 

"No. I didn't want you to know.  _I_  didn't want to know. Part of me was hoping it would remain my dark secret and I could spare you from suffering with this loss, that maybe we would be able to have other children in the future that were full-term and healthy. It's too late for all of that now, isn't it?"

Never before had Belle implied that she wanted children with him. Her stiff positions during sex alone were already difficult and he couldn't imagine her spreading her legs apart for pelvic exams to check on the baby or even to deliver one. Belle seemed satisfied alone in the days she was able to babysit Henry or have him with her, coddling the child and never once leading on that she wanted to have one with him. Always had he assumed that she saw him too old to be a father again and wanted to spare him having children over twenty years apart or perhaps that she was just repulsed at the idea of having children with him, finding him too old and unfitting for the task.

Shaun was careful to hand back the urn to Belle, avoiding eye contact with her as he did so, keeping the pictures for himself. She had kept those from him far too long and they would offer a bit of comfort while he was gone. Slowly, happy for once that he had a cane because he sure as hell needed its support after news like this, he rose and said no words as he made his way to their bedroom. Belles soft whimpers rang throughout the large house, not daunting the mission he had in mind. He grabbed a suitcase from the hallway closet and tossed it onto the bed without care, clothing to soon follow in large bundles of what he assumed would get him through a weekend in Boston. 

"What are you doing?" Belle whispered in a whimpering voice. "You're...you're leaving me?"

Gold tossed a pair of dress shoes a top of the suits he disorderly threw in the case. "No, I'm not leaving you. I just need a few days to clear my head." 

"You don't need to leave," she begged. "We could go downstairs and talk about it some more. I'll answer any questions you've ever had."

Socks and underwear followed into a heap a top the suits and he struggled to close the suitcase. "I've been wanting to talk about it for well over a year, Belle. You can not just expect me to spend a few hours talking about it and have us carry on our daily lives as if everything was normal. I need to time to think."

"Where are you going?" 

Like she needed to ask. Where else would he go except for Boston? David Nolan had offered his services as a friend, but he wasn't about to walk up to the parents of his daughter-in-law and confess everything that just happened. Only Baelfire would understand and only Baelfire needed to know. 

"Boston. To see Bae. I'll be back late on Sunday and take to the guest bedroom." He hoisted the suitcase off the bed and limped his way past her and down the halls. "Since Storybrooke loves to gossip, you can tell them I had to go away for the weekend on business. You lie well enough to tell them that, can't you?"

He didn't need to be so harsh. It was out of character for him and even he knew that. This wasn't what he was. Gold knew he could apologize to her for the tone, offering some kindness towards her before he left, but the whimpering that was stuck within her throat told him it would do no good. What she had done was shattering and after months of pain, he felt little sympathy for her lies. 

Gold struggled down the stairs with the cane in one hand and the suitcase in the other. Belle kept her distance, waiting for him to ask for help instead of offering it right away, and at the top of the long stair case she sat down, hugging her knees close to her chest. 

"I love you, Shaun," she breathed out. "Please don't leave."

The door handle was cold like the urn and it made him sick. "And I love you, Belle, but I need time to heal."

Shaun was certain that the straggled cry he heard Belle let go when he closed the door behind him was all in his head. A mental challenge to see if he'd open the door right back up and agree to spend the next several hours talking about what happened, but it wasn't going to happen. He needed to stop being so weak, he should have been this firm with Milah and all of the absolute shit she pulled with him. 

He kept his eyes on the road, avoiding the contact of anyone he may recognize until he was far away from Storybrooke. David and Mary Margaret had waved to him but he kept his eyes forward and for once wasn't bothered by the pout of Mary Margaret's lips when he refused to wave back. Gods, did he ever need to escape.There just had to be a red light by The Rabbit Hole. Turning left instead of heading straight to the highway was tempting. One drink, he debated, just one to quickly numb the pain and then he would take to the road again. Heading into the vile bar would only raise more whispers around the town and he'd be too careless in the number of drinks he ordered, grounding him to Storybrooke for another night instead of seeking help from his son. The bar was inviting, whispering for him to take his place in his usual bar stool, to order his favourite heavy drink, and stay there until it was time to close, to ignore confronting and dealing with the issue. 

When the light turned green Gold swore loudly and pressed harder than needed onto the gas pedal, driving away from the bar as quickly as he could before his mind was changed. 

* * *

Granny's Diner was bustling with people, enough to make Shaun feel uncomfortable with how many people there were moving around the tables and presents that seemed to be at every corner of the small establishment. Why David and Mary Margaret insisted on having a baby shower here and not at the recreation center was beyond him.

He was off to the side, staying off his weakening ankle and sipping on the warming Sprite Granny had given him. Emma made it clear that if she couldn't drink for nine months then sure as hell no one would be drinking at her baby shower. He didn't mind the Sprite; it calmed his twisted stomach and the flavour was enjoyable but not too rich. Plain, like Shaun himself. 

It was best to stay out of the way. The women of the party were immersed with Emma's rounding front, annoying his poor daughter-in-law with so many questions about little Henry who was due in less than a month. Bae was busy making rounds, keeping the guests that would hound Emma with a million questions about her pregnancy to agitation away from his wife and doing this best to answer all before moving on to the next guest to see if they were comfortable. His poor son barely had any time to rest and enjoy the shower.

"Hard to believe we're going to be grandparents in a few weeks," David laughed as he took occupancy in the empty seat beside Shaun. "I didn't think it would happen so soon."

Gold crinkled his nose and kept quiet.

Belle was in the opposite side of the diner, her eyes gleaming with pure joy as she placed a hand on Emma's stomach and waited patiently for Henry to kick. When he did, she was glowing and gasped happily, quickly speaking something inaudible to Shaun. Mary Margaret sat on the opposite side of Emma and said something in response, which made Emma roll her eyes and reach for another sugar cookie on the table in front of her. If Emma had it her way the shower would include family and a few friends, not the entire town of Storybrooke. 

David caught on to where Shaun's attention was.

"Do you ever think of having your own with her?" The tone was kind and non-invasive. David wasn't expecting an answer at all.

The question caught him off guard. When he married Belle French the town was convinced she was much too young for him, disturbed how she was closer in age to his only child than she was to her new husband. It was easy for Belle to turn away from the words and ignore it without showing signs of being wounded, always brushing the words aside as pathetic small-town gossip, but Shaun was different. He felt terrible for taking a wife so much younger than himself and giving her a reputation of a 'Gold' digger, a laughable title given her recent name change. The words they spoke always stung and left marks that followed him everywhere. 

"Belle has never shown an interest in having children with me," Shaun mumbled as he nursed the glass for a slow sip.

David took a drink himself, faster and harder than Shaun's. "You haven't talked about it, is what you're saying?"

"What makes you think she'd want to have children with a man too old for her and crippled? I struggled alone to care for Bae when I did have him because of my injury and now I've aged so much more." Bae made eye contact with his Papa and gave a friendly wink before moving over to his wife, sitting on the other side of Belle. "She seems perfectly happy reading to the children and loving Henry. It's enough for her."

"Mm," David wasn't taking the answer to heart. "I don't know, Shaun. If you just watch how she acts she does lead on that she wants children. She's great with them you know. Mary Margaret tells me that the visits to library are one of the best times of the weeks because the children flock to Belle. She's maternal, that's for sure. Maybe you should just ask her about adding to your family."

Gold felt uncomfortable at the very idea. If she was to say no he would be forced to put up a front and pretend like it didn't bother him. He wanted to give Bae siblings so he wouldn't grow up alone. A friend, someone to share everything with and have silly fights with over small things. Shaun himself never had the opportunity of being given a sibling and he had denied the same to Baelfire. It was too late now. The child, if she would even agree, would become a playmate for Henry and it would be weird to explain why the uncle or aunt was younger than the nephew. Even if they were to produce more than one, Shaun was unsure if he would even be able to handle such a thing; two small children in a house, raised by a lame Papa. 

"I don't think this is an appropriate topic," Shaun sputtered out.

It had to be enough for David to catch on that poor, timid Gold was too uncomfortable with this and would move on to something different. David watched Gold for a moment, catching on right away that the man was clearly uneasy. Stiff, his weak frame almost trembling as he kept the glass of Sprite close to him.

"Right. Sorry, Shaun. I won't bring it up again." 

It wasn't long after David removed himself from Golds company when his Mary Margaret made her rounds and took a seat next to him. 

"Having a good time, Shaun?" Her voice was perky, leading onto something more.

He nodded, just waiting for Mary Margaret to get her stupid question out of the way.

"Do you think about having children with Belle?" 

Gods, why couldn't they be more like their daughter and want to avoid talking about making children. All they were really asking, once you peeled the shell of the question away, was if they planned on having plenty of unprotected sex on the 'right' days to make sure she would be with child. Not telling David Nolan the details of if he planned on procreating with Belle was one thing, but not telling Mary Margaret would be a different battle all on its own.

"I don't believe that's an appropriate topic," he muttered out, wishing she would just leave and return to her daughter.

Mary Margaret smiled. "Oh come on Shaun, you can tell me if you've been trying or even thinking about it." 

He knew she meant well. Mary Margaret always meant well whenever she spoke to another. His sex life, though healthy and frequent, needn't be shared with others, especially not the parents of his own daughter-in-law. Such things were to be kept private. His sex life, or lack of when still married to Milah, was plastered all over the only bar in town and Milah took no second thoughts into announcing that the sex with Shaun had been less than up to par. 

Boring. Eyes focused on the details of the ceiling. Faking orgasms. That's all sex ever could be with him. 

Shaun suppressed a groan in his throat. "Maybe you should ask Belle. It's not my call."

* * *

 

Shaun was grateful that the morning after his late-night arrival didn't come with an intense line of questioning from Emma. Her eyes were narrow whenever she looked at him, knowing that something had gone down between him and Belle and that something instantly pinned him as the guilty one no matter what. Henry was thrilled to awake to his Grandpa siting at the kitchen table and slowly drinking the weak tea that Emma made for him. Shaun's heart fell to the floor when Henry began to ask where Belle was, leaving a sputtering Shaun and a quick thinking Emma to aid in explanation. 

He was patient to share his story. The vision from the previous evening replayed in his head all day while they waited on Emma to return from work, giving him plenty of time to dwell more than what the four hour car ride already offered and find the best way to describe it without himself falling into a blubbering mess. Never before had it just been the three of them alone and Shaun was nearly unsure what to do with himself. Emma and Belle were the ones that were experts with children, even Baelfire knew more than he ever could and he could only pray to whoever was really up there that nothing terrible would happen that bring Emma home in a rush.  _Peter Pan_  worked wonders; distracting Henry long enough for the adults to share words that didn't revolve around the unresolved issue at hand. Snack, lunch, a light nap, playing in the backyard, snack again, more playing, and dinner preparations before Emma came home to his relief.  As the time went on, he found himself growing antsy. Waiting for his time to speak to his son, seeking advice, waiting for Belle to text him with a desire that she did want him back or that she never wanted to see him again. He wasn't sure which one felt more appropriate at this moment. 

Once Henry was tucked away in bed and all their evening chores were taken care of, Bae and Shaun left the home to go to what Bae swore was the best bar in all of Boston.

It wasn't anything like the one back in Storybrooke. Brick on the outside with large tinted windows that only allowed the dim lights shine through. Inside the atmosphere was more friendly than what The Rabbit Holecould ever offer. Warm, no stench of stale alcohol and cigarettes burning his nostrils, a variety of sports on different televisions around the bar, and pool tables that were used for pool and not late night drunken sex.  The bar tender recognized Bae right away, greeted him with a hearty Northern accent and then asked if he was to give Bae "the usual" to which Bae agreed and carried small talk before leading his Papa to a small couples table in the deepest section of the bar. 

"All right Papa," Bae started once the drinks had been delivered to their small table. "Tell me what's going on. Whatever it is, it's tearing you apart."

The pictures were in the breast pocket of his suit and for a moment he thought that pulling them out and showing them to Bae would be the best way to explain it all. Almost everything then would be self-explanatory and he could skirt around with answers that his son would need. He wouldn't be forced to repeat the disgusting story she told him. The pictures were dark though and he was certain Baelfire wouldn't be able to handle, despite his son being a mentally strong man. The drink, he discovered, was light compared to the heavy drinks Shaun was accustomed to. Tonight there would be no liquid courage to help him. 

"Papa, come on. You drove all the way to Boston because of something between you and Mom and we aren't leaving until you tell me what's going on." Bae huffed, ready to be in the loop of his parents secret.

If Shaun ever had a spine, it was surely gone now. His own son took more authority now in this bar just trying to get him to open up than he ever did in all the years of raising Baelfire to adulthood.

"Oh, son," Shaun choked, "Belle was pregnant."

Baelfire's brow creased, shockingly calm about the statement his Papa struggled to share. "Mom was pregnant? What happened?"

For once he could understand Belles plight when it came to revealing everything, but the sympathy ran thin when he thought about all the wasted time. At least he would have some small flicker of courage to share the tale, unlike her. Another drink of the weak alcohol and Shaun began to slowly trickle out the details over the last year and a half, nearly quoting Belle word for word on what she claimed had happened. When he finished his tale, Bae's eyes were swelling with tears. It had been years since he had ever seen his son in such a state. Not since the day Henry was born.

"Papa, that's horrible." His son appeared to be lost for words.

Gold nodded in agreement, unsure how to properly respond to his son that involved something other than 'I know.'

"How could you not notice that she was pregnant?"

An obvious question that he was expecting. "I didn't pay attention. She only gained a little bit of weight in the middle and I didn't pay it any mind. Then, with her menstrual cycles, I, well, you know how Belle is with her bodily manners..." 

Bae exhaled, puffing out his cheeks as he did so while wearing an expression that showed he was less than impressed with the details he had just received. "And Papa, you just left her?"

"No. I-I didn't say I was leaving her. I needed time to think, son."

"Papa, for over a year she carried this emotional weight in her heart and struggled to tell you because  _she_  was struggling. She didn't want you to be broken by the loss and tried to spare you, but she couldn't let go of them herself. For other reasons that also include the loss of my brother she has an arousal disorder that you don't even seem to believe is real." Bae's voice was raised higher than the whispers and laced with anger. "She's heartbroken and you walked away from her after all of that?"

Gold could feel his body temperature rising, wanting nothing more than to melt away into the chair. "She - Bae, you're taking her side?"

Bae shook his head. "Mom lost a child, Papa. A child in her womb, where it's supposed to be safe and comforted by the sound of her heart. Don't you think, knowing how Mom is, that the loss would be enough to turn her to dust? Her arousal disorder, you said she's refusing to treat it? Did you think it's because she's scared to get pregnant again and relive the loss?"

Shaun kept his eyes locked on the table. Scuff marks, chips, fingerprints left behind. Anything to keep his focus elsewhere so he didn't sit there in a puddling mess like a child being scolded. That's what he was though; a child.    
  
"What did she say about the arousal disorder? Anything else as to what caused it?"   
  
This caught Shaun's attention. His eyes were slowly pulled up from the table to look at Bae, whose arms were crossed and reaffirmed the feeling of being the scolded child. He didn't ask. Gold was quick to assume it was an excuse; a simple cop-out to explain why she didn't want sex anymore. She didn't need to lie. Belle could have easily told him the truth and that being with him repulsed her, that looking at him naked did absolutely nothing for her and the loss was still heavy in her heart, but to go as far as to say there was a disorder? Was there even a legitimate medical condition for women's lack of arousal? He'd never heard of one but that wasn't saying much. Shaun knew his knowledge of the female form was far less than novice. His education came from the locker room in high school and he was certain more than half of what he had been told was inaccurate. He cursed himself for not properly pursuing the information in his youth. Maybe if he had, he wouldn't be so dense with Belles body.   
  
"She didn't elaborate," Shuan mumbled, hoping Baelfire would drop the interest in the disorder and move to something else. More scolding about walking away would do.   
  
"You mean you got angry and walked out before she could." The tone was acidic now. "I can be sympathetic to your feelings of betrayal and never will I deny that her holding out on the secret for that long was right, but you left a vulnerable woman that saw only the best in you when the rest of Storybrooke looked down on you. From the start she loved you more than anyone ever could."

"Son, you aren't listening. She  _lied_ to me. For months she twisted things around and made me feel nothing but guilt for pursuing the reason behind her behaviour."

He was tired of being walked over and beaten down. His love for Belle was strong, but he needed to stand strong. Belle was a victim, he would never deny that, but he was a victim too. Overlooked, weak and timid Gold was passed over as a victim yet again, no doubt that when the word got out about what happened Storybrooke would twist it around to make it seem like timid Shaun Gold had done something to his young wife to make her lose the baby because he was unfit to be a parent properly this time around. Too old, too lame. 

Bae put an arm on the table and shifted his position to become more defensive. "No, Papa, I don't think you understand. She suffered the ultimate loss; the loss of a child."

"She hid him from me, just like Milah!" His voice was raised, harsh and bitter. 

"Like Milah? Papa, Mom is  _nothing_  like her," Bae was furious himself and several nearby patrons had turned their attention to the two men. "Mom - Milah - Whatever...she took me away from you to be cruel. She knew you wouldn't fight for me, despite how much you loved me. She emasculated you, always put you down in front of others and told me my Papa was a weak coward that couldn't fight for me. Belle, more of a Mom than my own ever was in her short years of being in this family, suffered a loss so powerful it's shattering. She hid my brother from you to spare you, not to hurt you. Belle did what she thought was the best thing and you walked out of a complex situation, leaving behind a broken soul. If we're going to compare the two of you to Milah," Bae scoffed, "well Papa you aren't exactly far from that level."


	9. Chapter Nine

It had been impossible to sleep that night. Yet again, Shaun found himself exhausted and replaying not only the conversation between himself and Belle but now the one he shared with Baelfire. His son took to the news far differently than expected. While Shaun knew his son would be sympathetic to both partners, he did not expect such a backlash for leaving Belle home alone after her confession. If anything, he had hoped for his son to see past the smallest detail of what had happened between them and search a way to help, if possible. Not scold him for hiding. To Shaun, it made sense. Walk away and clear the mind rather than stay and suffer in a large estate that suddenly felt so small.   
  
The mood Baelfire brought home disrupted Emma as well and after thirty minutes of silence - and struggling to sleep - he could hear the two of them exchanging words. A few times one of them would raise their voice and only mid-sentence remember that a toddler was nearby and prone to waking up early already. Through their muffled words Shaun was unable to tell if Emma took unkindly to Shaun or Bae. It was just under two hours before he could hear his them retire for the night, coming to a mutual conclusion as no partner made their way to the couch. That, or they chose to share a bed together even with anger fueling their body at that moment. Shaun could only hope that what had happened at the bar did not forward any ailment towards Bae's marriage.   
  
He was quiet to open the door, not wanting to wake Henry up earlier than needed and was surprised to find Emma sitting in her favoured chair with a big mug of cocoa in her hand with a stern, yet exhausted, look on her face. She was already dressed for the day and Shaun felt as if she had known he was awake and was waiting this entire time to speak with him.  
  
"Bae told me what happened between you and Belle," Emma said with a stern tone that matched her face.  
  
"And you're angry I left Belle right after her confession?" This was not what he needed first thing in the morning. Not another lecture on how he was wrong and worse than Belle and Milah for their lies. Emma was frequently the voice of reason in complicated matters.  
  
"Well I do think that was rather dumb of you, Gold. She did just put her heart out there for you and you all but ran it over with your car." Emma took a long sip of her cocoa, which relaxed her expression. "A drive around Storybrooke, yeah, but to come all the way to Boston? Not the best move you made. Baelfire told me everything and after restraining to whack him upside the head for comparing you to his bitch of a mom and not focusing on the main issue, he understands. I'll leave that apology to him though."  
  
There was a wave of relief that washed over him. Heat of the moment, that's all it must have been to explain the out of character reaction from his son.  
  
"Personally, I find the three of you, you and Belle especially, to be acting like children." Emma took another sip of the cocoa and lingered to enjoy the taste. "It was childish of Bae to be so close-minded and look at the smallest, most minuscule, detail of what happened. Belle shouldn't have hidden the miscarriage from you and not share the details of her arousal disorder. You," she locked her eyes on him, "should have caught the signs of her pregnancy and loss, with less whining for sex and definitely shouldn't have walked out like that. All three of you were wrong you know. Relationships have problems and you and Belle chose to runaway and hide from those problems rather than face it. For goodness sake, you're grandparents maybe you should try growing up at this point and stop running away from every little bad thing because if you don't, when shit like this happens you bury your head in the ground and pretend it doesn't exist until it festers long enough to where you  _can't_ ignore it anymore."

Gold was still, leaning against the door frame and waiting for her lecture to continue. 

"Don't think you're the only one I'm harping on. Your son got such an earful last night from me and he isn't even the start of this conflict. I called Belle well over an hour ago and she told me nearly everything over the last year and a half. She also was given a long lecture about pulling these childish stunts." Emma took another drink. "I won't deny at all that it was fucked what she did, Gold. That has to be rough. Especially with the urn just feet away from your bed and all the memories stuck in the back of a closet...that's morbid, even for me. Belle had no right to hide that from you. The pregnancy being a surprise, sure, I can get with her on that, but once the baby died you would think..." Emma shook her head. "You should have known the day she came back from the hospital and she kept bleeding that something was going on. Didn't you notice the hospital bill?"

His shoulders sank. "Belle does most of the finances. I must not have noticed that she paid the bill because she took the payment from her own personal savings. She hid everything well."

Emma puffed out her cheeks, impressed by how well Belle had buried her secret. 

"You think she's the victim here too?"

"I think you both are," Emma stated with a blunt voice. "You both fucked up and you both suffered greatly because of the others actions. When you get back to Storybrooke, you both better atone off your ass for what you both did. And personally, I find that Belle has _much_ more to atone for."

Shaun stared at his daughter-in-law, lost for words. 

Emma shrugged at his blank stare and took another long sip from her cocoa, finishing it off. "Just my input, Gold. Not that it matters."

Shaun shifted his eyes to the ground, the silence between himself and his daughter-in-law ever growing. It felt for what seemed like an eternity before the quiet noise of feet shuffling along the floor broke the silence between Shaun and Emma.

Baelfire appeared, still half-asleep in the face though dressed to greet the day. When his eye focused and caught that his father was in the room, his position shifted.   
  
"Oh. Hey, Papa can we talk for a moment?" Bae didn't wait for a response before shuffling his tired body to the bedroom where Shaun had been sleeping.  
  
Shaun excused himself from Emma, who waved him away to finish off her cooling mug of cocoa.   
  
"I want to apologize," Bae said with his voice more alert the moment Shaun closed the door behind him. "After we came home last night, I was still pissed off that you left Mom like that. I'm tired of seeing my parents walk away when things get hard. I can't even begin to tell you how many times Mom and Killian had fights and one would leave for a week or two before they made up like they were two teenagers in love." Bae shook his head at the memory. "I told Emma what happened and she told me to put myself in your place. If Emma lost Henry and didn't tell me,"his son sighed at the thought, "I'd be pissed off and probably need some time away to cool down. I didn't look at the big picture, Papa. I'm sorry."  
  
Shaun found himself trembling, feeling small like a child. "Oh, Bae. You had every right to be mad at me. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You know me though son. I'm weak. I run when there is an adversity my way and with that, running was the only thing that made sense at the moment. I was angry with Belle and heartbroken. I didn't know what to do and the only thing I could think of was to do what I'm best at."

"You need to stand up for yourself, Papa. Imagine how different our lives would have been if you fought to have full custody of me instead of letting Mom and Killian call the shots." Bae doesn't sound resentful, much to Shaun's relief. "Now you're at a crossroads again and you need to put your foot down somewhere and overcome this battle. You need to work this one out, Papa. You can't runaway from it even though it's something no one ever wants to deal with. For once, Papa, please stand tall." Bae ran his fingers through his messy hair and shook his head. "Are you still going to stay with her?"

"I'm not too sure," Shaun admitted. "Belle is one of the strongest people I know, but she's in such a fragile state that I think needs caring for. Leaving her now, should I chose, wouldn't be the best move. We would need to attend many counseling sessions before things could ever return to normal between us. Trust needs to be rebuilt from the ground up. For all I know she could have moved back into her old apartment above the library."  
  
"Why don't you call her and talk some things out before you head home?" Bae suggested.   
  
"Do you think she'd even want to talk to me? She was sobbing when I left but that could have turned to contempt by now."  
  
Bae shrugged his shoulders, lost on how to help.   
  
"I shouldn't be putting this on your shoulders, son." Shaun felt a desire to crawl back beneath the sheets to further prolong the confrontation of the matter. "I've apologized more times than needed but I'll forever hold the guilt of pulling you into this."  
  
"You shouldn't. We all knew something was _different_ with Mom. Emma tried to talk to her a few times about it even before our last visit. This may be an intimate issue, but we're family and we all care about the two of you. Even if you two chose to separate or stay together, we're always going to love and be concerned for you both."  
  
Shaun's eyes shifted to the cell phone plugged into the wall. "Do you think it's too early in the day to call her?"  
  
"Why don't you eat something first?"  
  
Shaun nodded and pulled his eyes away from the phone to his son who was much more awake than when the conversation started minutes ago. There was no need to ask, but Baelfire caught on immediately when Shaun shifted his position forward just the slightest of an inch. His son wrapped his arms around his thin frame with gusto, knocking the man off balance.  
  
"Things are going to work out, Papa."

* * *

Embracing Belle in his arms after intercourse was one of Shaun's greatest and most secretive pleasures. He felt confident as she draped her arm over his torso and nuzzled into his shoulder, letting out soft moans to tell him how wonderful their recent activity had been. Their embraces post-coitus was a treasured moment; he and Belle alone in this world. At that moment, everything was perfect and all of the terrible things in the world, past, present, and future were forgotten. He was one with Belle and her naked body up against his was intoxicating. 

Belle was always so breathtakingly beautiful after sex. Her bare shoulders still shimmering from sweat, pink cheeks, wild ringlets suddenly with more life and bounce in them, and deep red lips that were spread across her face in an affectionate smile. She shifted her leg and entwined it with the one closest to his, morphing their bodies into one. She was nuzzled against his shoulder, eyes closed as if falling asleep as he played with her long hair in his fingers. The raw definition of beauty.  
  
"Have you ever thought about having a baby?" She asked quietly, her tone high with the very idea alone.  
  
Shaun's body went stiff. "I'm sorry?"  
  
Belle let out a soft laugh and opened her eyes. "A baby, Shaun. Have you ever thought about having one with me?"  
  
The room is no longer warm and glowing but now feels cold and uncomfortable. The third time in a year he's been asked such a question and he's still ill-prepared for it. "Don't you think I'm too old? I'm already a grandparent."   
  
Only two weeks ago had Baelfire asked if there would be a sibling coming soon and before the birth of Henry, the Nolan's took the liberty of asking.    
  
"Don't be ridiculous. You're not too old. I know you'll argue with me until the end of time about your age, but that's not what I'm asking. Age aside, have you ever thought about having a baby?"  
  
There were a dozen ways he could answer this. His age was a huge factor that made him almost glad that Bae was a grown man now. The cane and his lame ankle proved to provide much adversity when babysitting Henry came into play, even difficult alone when Bae was a child himself. He would adore to grab a hold of the opportunity to be able to raise a child from birth without visitation rights hanging over him. To be there for every first moment the child would have. Truthfully, he had been curious what a mixture of the two of them would make and he could only pray the child would be a spitting image of Belle.  
  
"What brought this on?"  
  
Ignoring the direct question, Belle pouted. "Shaun, I'm curious. Come tell, age aside like I said, would you want to have a baby?"  
  
She seems eager, as if in her mind she's already been planning this long before the Nolan's had asked at the baby shower.  
  
"Yes," he said finally, his tone hesitant. "If the opportunity would arise, I would love to have a child with you."  
  
Belle raised a brow. "You don't seem so sure."  
  
"And you seem like you've made up your mind."  
  
She pouted once more. "Oh, Shaun. Almost every woman dreams of having a child of her own, be it through birth or adoption. I'd almost consider Baelfire my own if he hadn't been so grown up by the time I met the two of you."  
  
Shaun relaxed a bit, misunderstanding her words as no more than a woman's fantasy. "You know, Bae and the Nolans have asked at one point or another if we were ever going to have a child of our own."  
  
"What did you say when they asked?" 

"Just that it was up to you." He replied a little too fast, hoping that she'll move on to a different subject or cuddle back into his arms. 

Belle's face softened, not happy with his answer. "Oh. I see. Do you ever see us having a child?"

He raised his brow. "Belle, where has this all come from? We've never talked about children before. You're not trying to say you already are, are you?"

Belle frowned, unamused by the question he tacked on at the end. "I'm not, Shaun. I just finished  _that_ three days ago. I'm not getting any younger and you know that the older you are, the more risks there are. I just thought it would be something we should talk about."

"I don't think I'm father material," he admitted softly. "Even though I had Baelfire, I never truly raised him or was a proper part of his life. I struggled greatly in his first few years with a toddler in one arm and my cane in the other. I hardly knew my son when he grew up, despite the phone calls and visits. I don't know how to be a parent. I'm older now and I don't know if I could give our child everything they deserve like this." 

"Baelfire is a wonderful man," Belle soothed. "And he's a wonderful father to Henry, learning from the best; you. I've never been a mother and I have no experience past a few babysitting jobs here and there. You won't be a single parent this time, Shaun. I'll be here this time. I understand your fear, sweetheart. Things would be different this go around. I'm here and unlike her, I'm not going anywhere. We'd raise our child together and you won't struggle."

Shaun closed his eyes from a brief moment and tried to picture a baby in Belles arms. Small, pink, with a tuff of brown hair, eyes like their mother. "Scared as I may be with the thought, nothing would make me happier."

* * *

The knot in Shaun's stomach that was tightly bound when he arrived in Boston was finally beginning to give way enough to where he could properly consume food without such a desire to throw it back up. The food was enjoyable as Bae broke out a recipe from Mary Margaret and prepped an elaborate looking French toast that was decorated with powdered sugar. Too sweet for Shaun any other day of the year, but today the sweet syrup and sugar combination was a treat to escape the gloom that had been over him.

"Well," Bae said after he finished with the dishes, stretching out his arms to the ceiling. "I think that we should go to the park. What do you say, Henry? Emma?"

Shaun caught Baelfire's eyes, the chocolate pools telling him to take this opportunity to call Belle without worries of disruption and peace should their conversation turn south.

"What are you talking about? It's raining outside and you know I really hate when Henry's butt gets wet from those nonstop slide adventures." Emma shot back, not wanting to leave the warmth of her home. 

"Then we'll bring a towel to put over the car seat and I'll change him as soon as we get home. After his nap, Papa and I will take him to the book store and you can enjoy more of your cocoa. C'mon Henry, let's go grab your rain boots."

Henry squealed with delight and jumped out of the chair, bolting to the shoe closet faster than his father could move. 

Emma let out an angry sigh. "You better take this opportunity to call Belle up, Gold."

Gold nodded gently.

He was patient to wait for them to leave. Offering his assistance to help bundle Henry up for their trip, nervously shaking as he tried to think of how to best call his wife, feeling only little ease when Baelfire gave him a brief embrace before stepping out, whispering that everything would be all right.

There were still no new calls or messages on the phone when he checked it. Shaun was tempted to back away, wishing he'd got to the wet park instead. Her picture next to her number was unlike the Belle he left Friday evening; a smile on her face and bright red cheeks from laughing so hard. He couldn't even recall the last time he had even scene Belle smile so big. 

The picture on his phone was taken, if his calculations were correct, sometime during her secret pregnancy. An old photo, yet one of his favourites that he loved seeing pop up on his screen whenever she called.

With a nervous hand, Shaun finally gathered the little confidence around him and tapped his thumb on the call button.

The phone rang only thrice before she picked up.  
  
"Shaun?" Belle answered, her voice soft and his name escaping her lips in a quick exhale.   
  
"I wanted to call before I came back," he mumbled, "to see if you even wanted me home or if you were still there."  
  
She was silent on the other end apart from her breathing. When she didn't respond, he continued.  
  
"While I was here, I had a long talk with Baelfire about what happened between us. It was wrong of me to leave you the way that I did, knowing full well that you would need me. I was coward and ran instead of addressing the conflict." He waited again, shorter than the last to see if she had anything to add. "When I come home and if you are willing, we can talk about what happened and what's going to happen now. I know there is much tension between us but if anything, we could have a civil conversation about what's going to happen over these next few days."  
  
"But aren't you still angry with me?" She sounds surprised by the sudden shift in mood, clinging to the cold reaction he gave her just days before. "You sound as if you're the only one who did something wrong."  
  
"I...I still am angry, sweetheart. I would have loved to have felt my son kick, see his sonograms, and be there for you both when he passed; again I feel cheated from a prime moment in fatherhood." Belle inhaled sharply on the other end, his words reminding her. "We both did something wrong here Belle and now I want to face this matter between us."

She exhaled quietly into the speaker. "I can never make up for what I did to you. Are you going to leave me?"

"Oh," he sighed, "sweetheart. I don't know."  
  
Belle kept quiet on the other line. He always had the worst responses for her serious questions. It would have been easier to just tell her no for now and then see how the therapy worked out instead of putting her on a teetering edge.   
  
"Should I stay in the apartment until we can come to a decision on what's going to happen to our marriage?" She's defeated, her voice says it all.   
  
"Only if you feel it would be best. I want you to stay wherever you feel like you're going to be comfortable." He wanted her to stay, even if their marriage may not recover from this, he felt it would be unnecessary to send her away now. He had the chance before he came to Boston and now it seemed the opportunity had long since passed.  
  
She shifts her position from wherever she's sitting. "I like it here, if that's okay. Are you still coming home Sunday?"  
  
"No. Tonight," he says within a beat. "I'll be back tonight Belle."

* * *

Shaun dropped himself down on the love-seat in the sitting room. The day had been long, as was common with the rent days, and coming home just in time to have Belle finished with dinner was such a treat after running around Storybrooke all day. 

"Tired?" Belle called from the kitchen. 

"Rent days are more taxing than others," he laughed. "Did you have something in mind for tonight?"

She didn't respond right away and instead sauntered up to the entrance of the sitting room stark naked, clothing now tossed away on the kitchen floor. "Perhaps we could do something to help you relax?"

Gold sat up in the seat, stunned by the boldness with Belle's sexual side. Over the last few weeks, intimacy between them had been more frequent and casual than ever before. She was encouraging him to try new places and positions within the house, coming by even once to the shop to pleasure him orally. A brief moment in the back of the shop after both double checked that all the doors would be locked and when she finished, Belle kissed his cheek and told him not to be late coming home before returning to the library. It was their first and only sexual act outside of the house and it was enough to drive Gold crazy at the sheer memory. 

While it was unusual behaviour to see her so sexually charged, Gold bathed in it. Even on his most tired days or nights where his ankle felt at it's worst, in the last few weeks if Belle approached him ready to have sex, he complied. It was impossible to tell her no with the way she fluttered her long eye lashes and smiled ever so seductively, whispering that she needed him right there and now.

"I can't say no to you," he breathed out.

She grinned and walked up to the love-seat, bending down at the waist to press her lips against his. "I'd be surprised if you ever did."

Belle pressed her lips against his again, this time with more hunger. As she takes in his bottom lip to suck on, she hastily unbuckled his belt and worked with him to shimmy off his pants and shoes the best they could without breaking their kiss. It was harder than they both thought, forcing them to part for a quick breath and giggle as she pulled off his socks before he was bare from the waist down. 

"I don't want to waste any time," she moaned as she climbed on to his lap. 

Sparks shot through Shaun, as it did every time, when Belle was up against him. Her warm breast against his chest and core wet, teasing him by slowly rocking her hips over the tip. He moved his hand down, starting at her stomach, down to her core to the wetness was building. Sleek and warm that always sent chills up his spine whenever he felt it. Running his thumb along the entrance alone was enough to give him what he needed to move the thumb to her clit, teasing it with just enough pressure to please her while he gently inserted a single finger inside her.

Belle moaned softly and began to rock her hips more. Over the last two months Belle had been more direct in telling him what exactly she wanted and with a quick lesson, she told him about the wondrous of her clitoris. Though both partners knew very little about anatomy and how to please, it took little time that night for Belle to explain how exactly she liked him to explore the pink bud. Wishing he had known this years ago when they married. 

"I've been aching for this all day you know," she crooned as she arched her back slightly to raise her breasts up to a perfect view. 

The other hand took a gentle grip onto one of her breasts, running his thumb over the hard nipple. His confidence raised when she released a soft guttural moan and bit down on her lip. 

Pleased with what little it took to please her, Shaun drove his attention to her nipple and changed between flicks and gentle tugs and pinches. Not wanting to leave the other left out, he pulled away from her core and moved attention towards the neglected breast. Belle hissed and shuddered from the sensation. Eagerly, she lowered herself down and roughly began to raised her hips up and down as fast as her frame would allow her. One of her own hands moved to his shoulder with a tight grip and the other moving to his hair where she yanked on it with excitement. 

Shaun accompanied her motions, bucking his hips up and down to meet her as she came back down to clash them together to increase her pleasure. Her body required all the attention in the world and he could only dream of having an extra hand to pleasure both breasts and her clitoris while he thrust his hips up towards her. 

Belle gasped out. Unable to form full sentences, let alone words, as she made a feeble attempt to express the pleasure she was feeling. Her tiny gasps alone could be enough to finish him off. Distractions in the room were kind, offering him a way to put off his own climax that was quick building so his wife could catch up. 

She was an intoxicating sight to behold. Her head tilted back just the slightest and nails digging deep into his flesh to control herself. On the way down, she clenched her walls an shifted her hips in a rotation on the way up to give the position a thrilling addition. 

"I'm close," she cried out as she quickened her pace. "Oh Shaun!" 

It was the opportunity he had been dying for. He took these final moments to bring his mouth to her breasts and run his tongue eagerly over the hard bud and returned his hand down to pleasure her clit in these final moments. It was enough. Just that final movement with his thumb applying pressure to give her the edge and excitement that she had craved. Shaun was relieved himself, finding climaxing within moments of her own loud finish.

Belle whimpered softly from the quick satisfaction and rested her head upon his shoulder, breathing becoming more stable. She let out a soft giggle and kissed his neck, whispering how much she loved him. 

Their last few sessions had been quicker than normal, yet more frequent. It was an impossible complaint to form despite the abnormal shift in their routine. Whatever it was that had sparked this new craze of her craving sex nearly every day of the week, he hoped it never died. 

* * *

The book he was searching for was easy enough to find. The name was common enough and he knew the authors works well enough to find it without asking any of the employees. He personally never owned the book, but knew it by heart; something he read to Baelfire when they returned from a trip to the library in the earlier years of their relationship. Pale blue, the cover stood out among the bright spines of books and right away he knew he found the one. Belles reaction could vary once she received the gift and he knew she would either burst into a spell of tears for being reminded of their lost child or moved by his kind gesture that he would go out and purchase such a story. 

For the first time in a while, Shaun was proud of himself. It wouldn't make up for walking away when she needed him and it wouldn't let him forget the lies, but Belle could never stay upset for very long when presented with a new book and her smile whenever she was given a new book always shifted his mood to the lighter side. A good opening act before things would be discussed.   
  
"A children's book?" Bae asked, peering over a squirming Henry to take a look. "Don't you think that anything with babies would be the last thing she'll want to read now?"  
  
Shaun admired the painting of the toddler on the cover of the book. "The meaning behind the book being written isn't exactly what you think, son."  
  
"Isn't it about raising and loving a child?"   
  
"The _story_ is," Shaun said as he offered the book to Henry who was eagerly trying to take a look. "The authors purpose for writing the story is the opposite of being able to raise a child."  
  
Bae furrowed his brow. "I don't think I understand, Papa. Do you think she will?"  
  
Henry pointed to the toddler on the cover, his finger jabbing into the hard cover repeatedly. "Looks like me! Papa, looks like me!"  
  
"I can only hope. If she's not too upset, maybe she'll let me explain." Belle was a smart woman and knew the inspiration behind many books before she even purchased them. Well educated indeed with literature. The book was several decades old and considered a classic gift for families that were expecting their first. The meaning behind its publication had only recently come into light, giving the book an entirely different tone.

"Are you going to tell me or am I just going to have to have to search it online?" 

Shaun kept his eyes on the book cover. "Infant loss."

"Oh," Bae said softly. "I had no idea. I always saw it as a book every parent reads to their child at least once in their lives. Kinda one of those unofficial rules in parenting. You still think mom would like it? Not too upsetting?"

"I can only hope that she won't see it as a way to upset her, but more of a peace offering while we work things out."

"Still don't know if you're going to leave or not?"

Gold took the book back from Henry, who then turned his attention to another brightly coloured children's book. "We'll see how the first few days go, son."

Accompanying the book was a powder blue gift bag that would secure his gift until presented to his wife. The blue colours would surely give her some hint as to what would be inside and who it was in memory of. The cahsier was friendly, looking at Bae and offering a congratulations on the upcoming baby and mother-to-be-again. Neither man corrected her.

When they returned, Emma made Henry an afternoon snack while Bae helped load the suitcase into Golds car.

"I'm going to hope that you heading back a day early is a good thing. I'll be the optimistic one here."

"I suppose someone in this family needs to be," Gold mumbled.

"Emma is rooting for you two as well you know," Bae closed the trunk to the car. "She just thinks you both need to start being more honest and really own up for where you guys went wrong. Belle especially. She said she was going to call her again right after you left and talk a bit more about what happened."

Shaun reached into his coat pocket, gently grabbing a hold of the pictures. "There are pictures of your brother. They may be hard to look at, but I thought you might want to see what he looked like."

Bae was quiet when he took the pictures, quietly and slowly shuffling through them to take in the only images of his sibling. 

"I'm so sorry, Papa. This shouldn't happen to anyone," Baelfire's eyes brimming with tears. 

Gold nodded in agreement. "I would give anything to have him here with us today."

Baelfire wrapped his arms around his father. "I know, Papa," he whispered. "I know."

Pulling up to the drive way of the obnoxiously pink estate four hours later, the first thing Shaun couldn't help but notice was the lights all off. It was early enough in the evening that Belle would be between finishing dinner or drawing an early bath. She seldom turned off all the lights in the house, complaining once before that if she did she would get lost with how big the house was. Though the sky hadn't been wrapped in its dark blanket just yet, the need for lighting was apparent.   
  
He was quiet when he entered and alarmed to see Belle asleep on the couch in the sitting room as if she had barely moved an inch since he walked out the door. Curled up with a thin blanket over her, wearing the same clothing still as the day he left her for Boston. Her hair appeared to be oily, unwashed for several days, to match her skin that was no longer looking peachy with natural blush upon her cheeks but pale like death. Her shoes had been kicked off at the foot of the couch where the box that held their child's belongings was resting. In her arms she was clinging to a book that he was only able to capture parts of the title _The Long Midnight of_ - before her arm covered the rest of the book. Crooked underneath the book and between her chest he could spy the plush tail of the crocodile toy she had chosen for the child.  
  
Shaun quietly put his suitcase down and walked over to Belle, clearly too exhausted from the ordeal to notice his presences. He brushed back several locks of her oily hair to take a better look at her face. A mess; despair still strewn across her face and nearly all desire to care for herself gone.  
  
The pit of guilt that he carried in his stomach grew. She had become a complete wreck in his short absence, walking away in haste due to his own hurt. His Belle was a strong woman and the woman curled up in a ball on the couch was not the Belle he knew or left days prior.  
  
His eyes moved to the mantle where the clock would tell him how late, or early, it was in the night. Curious if he should wake her now or with a proper meal that she seemed to pass these last few days.

The mantle kept his gaze. Family photos had been shifted to either side ever so slightly to make way for the newest addition to display; the urn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the flashback where they talk about having children, Belle is not pregnant yet.  
> The second flashback takes place the evening before the loss.


	10. Chapter Ten

Belle let out a soft gasp and a smile grew on her face. Her knees were weak, shaking as she sat on the ledge of the bathtub. Eyes blinking rapidly, her hand shaking, she looked at the digital word staring up at her on the white stick in her hand. 

_Pregnant._

She let out a quiet laugh of disbelief and placed a hand on her still flat stomach. "A baby."

Belle closed her eyes and began to picture the beautiful future. Her rounding belly that grew each month into a respectable sized bump that was proof there was a healthy infant inside of her. The first time she'd see their child on the sonogram and feel the kicks. In the evening they would be curled up in their marital bed and Shaun would have his arms against her waist and his head resting upon her stomach so he could hold both her and the baby. The panic Shaun would show when the moment her water broke and they'd speed down to the Storybrooke hospital as if it was a thousand miles away. Then that beautiful moment when their child be born and they would gaze upon the perfect new life they created. 

It was easy for her to picture the child in her arms. A pink tiny infant bundled in a warm blanket that cocooned them to remind the child of the womb they spent their first nine months in. Shaun's eyes wide, shaking hands, and a nervous smile as he took the baby from her and held their child for the first time. Knowing her husband, he would be nervous and question if he was even holding the baby right, questioning his ability even though he's cradled Henry in his arms every time he came for a visit. 

Their routine would change in a few months and Belle knew she'd find herself exhausted those first few weeks, breasts sore from the new milk, body recovering from a transformation, and Shaun, knowing his generous self, would close the shop early every day for as long as he possibly could to make sure her and the baby were safe.

She shook her head and quietly giggled at the idea, her stomach was warm now from her touch and fluttering from the thought. 

The positive test was still in her other hand, still presenting it's digital word to her. 

This is real.

There were three more tests in the box and with her luck, they would all tell her the same thing; _you're going to be a mother_.

"Belle? Are you coming down for breakfast?" Shaun called from down the hall. 

Belle sprang up off the ledge of the bathtub, uncertain to rush out with her positive test now or to tell him later once confirmed by Dr. Whale. 

"Just one moment, I'll be right there," she called back. 

She placed the test on the counter and pressed her lips together. The last pregnancy Shaun had a paternal role to was a terrible moment for him. His wife,  _ex-wife_ , she reminded herself, left him while pregnant and caused him to miss out on so much of Bae's youth. But she wasn't Milah and there was no other man in her life. It was important to her to make sure she was nothing like that terrible woman.

She could - should - just tell him now.

But what if something went wrong?  

It wasn't the most common thing, she contemplated, but there was always risk. The first trimester, Emma told her, was the one where loss was the most common. She couldn't bare to rush out and announce to Shaun that they were expecting and then to suffer a loss within a few weeks.

Her fantasy was beautiful and she could only hope and pray with all her might that it would eventually come true but she couldn't bare to rush out of the bathroom, a flustering mess and cry to Shaun that they were going to be parents and suffer a loss shortly thereafter. 

What if it was a false-positive? 

For sure telling Shaun today would be foolish if that was the case. 

She bit into her bottom lip. Belle knew very little about pregnancy and what to expect, even with several dozen books about pregnancy resting in her beloved library. She had her fair education from a stingy sex ed class in school and the little bit her parents told her but to be honest, she was scared. There was no doubt in her heart that she already loved the tiny child inside of her womb, but knowing so little about what was to come apart from what she read in non-pregnancy focused novels and films still gave her no ease.

There were other ways to announce a pregnancy other than rushing out with the test in her hand. She had seen them done before by all of her friends with children and it gave her a wonderful idea. 

Announcing it once she knew the baby was there and this moment in the bathroom was not just some beautiful dream, she could put together a precious announcement specifically for Shaun. There were many ways she could do it and the ideas came flooding in. 

She could wait until the first sonogram and the first tiny picture of their child could be used to announce it. Or purchasing a neutral package of baby onesies and wrapping it up for him. She could pretend to be absent minded and leave the test on the counter and wait for Shaun to take notice on his own. Cuddling up with him after the test is confirmed by the Doctor and whispering delicately in his ear that she was expecting. There were a dozen ways and each new idea was better than the last she had.

"Belle?" Shaun called out once more.

"Coming!" She replied, grabbing a large handful of toilet paper to wrap up the test. "Sorry, just a little make-up problem."

She parted some of the discarded tissues already in the waste bin and nestled the enclosed pregnancy test near the bottom, promising to return after work and take out the trash in all the bathrooms so Shaun would not catch up before she was certain the baby was there and this was a beautiful reality. 

Belle stepped from the bathroom, cheeks still pink and glowing from the rush of the news, cautious of her actions to make sure her hands stayed away from caressing her flat stomach where the baby grew, and joined her husband at the table. 

"Make-up problem or not, you look beautiful today Belle," Shaun complimented with a small kiss against her cheek. "You're glowing this morning."

* * *

 Self-care was one of the things Belle was atop of. 

It seemed that within his absence, only a short two days away, all of her knowledge of self-care had slipped away.

The sleek oil on her hair and face was unlike the Belle he had known all these years. She was one to take her daily vitamins, medicine if needed, shower every day, drink and eat properly to maintain a healthy figure. There were times, due to a depressing call from Milah or an evening at the bar where he would fall off the spectrum and she was there at his side with no complaints to ensure he still took care of himself.This woman on the couch, curled up into a frail ball, was not the Belle French he married. He couldn't remember if she was this same way after she lost Aaron. It was nearly impossible to recall if she had slipped away momentarily. Between the post-partum period and the rejection of sex, Shaun couldn't recall what she experienced during that time and was too absorbed in his own desires.

Leaving her alone after that was a weak move and seeing the result of his action made his stomach feel tight and twisted. He did this to her. 

There was no telling how long she had been awake before finally slipping away on the couch. Her clothing did imply that she had barely moved from this spot at all and the dark circles around her eyes with deep pink eyelids assured him that she had been restless on top of hours of crying. 

She was strong enough at one point during the last two days to place the urn on the mantle, finally allowing Aaron to be known throughout the home. 

Shaun walked quietly throughout the house, cursing the tapping of his cane, and grabbed a spare blanket from the linen closet to drape delicately over his exhausted wife. Careful with the gift, he placed the bag at the end of the couch where her feet wound be near if she was to uncoil. 

Their conversation could wait until she had her fill of sleep. 

He quietly brought his luggage to the laundry room and emptied out the suitcase appropriately, quietly grabbed something light to drink before finding himself growing tired. He stood at the entrance to the living room from the kitchen and watched as Belle continued to sleep on the couch. Shaun debated on sitting in the chair next to her, lightly sleeping until she awoke or heading up to the bedroom they once shared.

Belle stirred in her sleep, shifting out of her tiny ball and extending her legs to stretch out.

Shaun was stiff, anticipating if this would be the moment where she'd wake up. 

"Shaun?"

Her voice was hazy. The exhaustion still rich in her sweet voice and it was clear to him that she questioned if he was even there.

"I..." Shaun started, slowly entering the room more, "I told you I would be home tonight."

Belle sat up on the couch and brought her body back into the little ball and kept quiet until she grew uncomfortable. "Is it late?"

"Not very," he came closer and was mere inches within her presence. "Do you want to talk about...this?"

She forced a weak smile and held the plush tightly against her chest, nodding in the slightest. 

Shaun took a seat in the chair next to the couch, stiff like Belle, riddled with anxiety on how their conversation would pan out. 

"I put the urn - Aaron up on the mantle," she pointed out softly. 

Shaun smiled. "A fitting place for him to be."

"I haven't left this room much since you left, but I was going to stay in the guest room until we figured things out. I can start moving everything tonight if you'd like. I know you're going to need time for what I did. I just don't want to be alone now and moving to my old apartment would only mean that I'd be in that state." Her voice was still uneasy and he could tell this conversation would soon end or be filled with incoherent sobs of apologies. 

Moving rooms was the least important topic at the moment.

"Never mind moving rooms," Shaun said a little too quickly. "I think we need to talk about other things."

Her cheeks gained what little colour it possibly could. "I can never apologize for what I did to you."

Shaun thought on his response, attempting to put together a response that would avoid upsetting the already shaken up woman in front of him. "It's going to take some time. I wish you told me in the beginning."

Belle pursed her lips together and her face quickly expressed pain. Her lip, chewed enough to draw blood days prior, was coated with dark red scabs to show healing.

"And not a day goes by where I wish I didn't tell you from the start. I didn't want to get your hopes up and then have the test be a false-positive or losing the baby. I thought, at the time, that I was doing the right thing. I did not for one minute factor in how much I manipulated and hurt you." Her grip around the crocodile plush grew tighter. "I should have told you. Even at that moment in the hospital where I knew he was gone, I should have called you. Knowing on the day he died would have been better than knowing over a year later. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did in the bedroom. Pushing you away, telling you nothing was wrong and making you believe that something was indeed wrong and that it was your fault."

When she paused to catch her breath, calming down enough to continue, she wrapped herself up more in the blanket to create a protective cocoon around her. 

"I don't know why I rejected the treatment to get better. Dr. Hopper tried so hard to help me with this, hours upon hours of therapy. Medicine I could use, techniques to help me, telling you what had happened. I pushed it all away and continued to be cruel to the both of us. I thought I had control of this and I didn't. I know we were using birth control and yet I still became pregnant with Aaron and so whenever the moment came again where you wanted to be intimate with me, it was all I could focus on. Aaron was conceived while using protection and I couldn't help but fear the same thing would happen. We would be safe, I'd get pregnant, and then lose this child too in a tormenting cycle. After his death, I couldn't even begin to get aroused. Nothing worked. Nothing that was used to help did the job and I attempted many times to fix myself without the help offered to me but I couldn't."

There was anger still there within Shaun and yet at this moment he wanted nothing more than to wrap Belle in his arms and hold her until she could no longer cry. They were both suffering. 

Belle continued to stay silent now, offering the chance to speak to him. 

Shaun ran his fingers through his hair and let out a long, exhausted exhale. "I don't blame you for losing him. I'm not angry or upset that he passed away and never, I promise you this, never will I hold that against you." He paused for a moment and caught her exhausted, watery eyes and could tell now that every word was tearing into her. "I don't know if I can ever forgive--"

A low-pitched whimper cut off his sentence and Belle buried her face into the crocodile. 

She feared the worst.

"Forgive the lying and manipulation," he continued. "It doesn't mean I do not love you, Belle. I'm not innocent here myself, sweetheart. I didn't notice your signs of pregnancy; your cravings, sickness, and budding stomach. I ignored all the signs and focused on my own needs; my sexual desires. We both have behaved selfishly over the last year."

"You're going to leave me, aren't you?" Belle whimpered, terrified. 

It was the second time today that she had asked him this question. 

Words were lost from the room. Breathing, her stifled sobs, and the faint ticking of a distant clock wound the tension. 

He could, possibly even  _should_ leave her. She lied and manipulated him for over a year. Kept his beautiful child away in a closet, in a box, in the darkest and dustiest part of the closet that was feet away from their marital bed that was given no exercise. For so long, Shaun believed he was the sole reason responsible for their wilting marriage that was near hanging by a thread. He believed she was now repulsed by him, seeing the little of man he was and could no longer take that she was trapped with a man who could barely stand on two feet. People in town noticed soon. They whispered, spreading their own elaborate stories of why the weak Shaun Gold now frequent the bar. The Nolan's budding in and being absurd with wanting details. 

He should tell her yes. 

"No," he whispered finally and her gasp was equally was quiet. 

"No? You're going to stay?" She was trembling now, as if he had told her the answer she anticipated. 

"I love you, Belle. I wonder at times if I can ever forgive you for the lies you told but I love you." Shaun could feel his heartbeat accelerate. Pounding wildly, causing him to stumble over words and shake as much as his tired wife. "We can work through this."

Belle used the crocodile to dry her tearful eyes. "Oh, Shaun, I don't even know if I deserve to be with you anymore." 

"Don't," he protested, finding himself at a loss for comforting words.

Her blue eyes were terribly swollen. Wet, red, and puffy. Unattractive in a mess from the constant tears. They shifted slowly around the room, as if she was looking for something to distract herself with to keep her sanity when she finally caught the blue gift bag.

"Wh-what's that?" She hiccuped, gently nodding her head towards the bag. 

His own trembling stopped long enough to pass to remove himself from the chair and give her the gift. 

"Something for you. Something to begin a healing process."

Belle finally set the plush aside with much care and took the gift from her husband. She was slow to remove the wrappings, careful not to tear any delicate tissue paper or the bag, ensuring it would be free of any disfiguring folds. With delicacy, she removed the small book and her eyes panned over the title. Her lip quivered as she inaudibly read the title. 

"I thought it would be appropriate and I apologize if you find it anything but."

Her eyes were fixated on the cover, basking in the beauty of the painting of the toddler on the cover. The little colour that had seeped its way onto her cheeks and had managed to linger grew a deeper shade of red and her eyes brimmed with more tears that splattered onto the hard cover in front of her. 

 " _Love You Forever_?" Belle finally spoke, voice still weak. 

Shaun felt his heart drop heavily into the pit of his stomach. 

"It's not what you think--" 

"No," she cut him off. "I know the reason as to why the book was written. I always have new parents always come to library right after they have their baby and check it out, returned to me with some signs of being well read and well loved. I know why it was written. Not the reason everyone thinks, but I know." Belle's voice was soft, breaking every few words. "When I returned to the library, to pretend as if nothing happened, I pulled the book off the shelf and read it over and over again. I touched my small post-partum bump that was only a fraction smaller than the little eighteen week bump I loved so much and I held my hand there, affectionately, waiting for Aaron to kick me. To tell me to cheer up and that soon he would be in my arms. I read the book every day until all my copies in the library were checked out at the same time. I took that as a sign to move on, that it was time to get over myself and focus on pretending he was never there. I haven't read it since."

Shaun's stomach twisted and flipped. A boiling liquid burning in the pit of his stomach to make him uncomfortable, weak, and ready to vomit just by knowing she suffered in such a way.

The lines were were not blurred, but smudged to leave ugly dents. He had played the stereotype of a man more focused on sex than the emotional sanity of their significant other, he insulted her, left her when she needed him, ignored all her cries for help when she dropped her hints. When she recoiled away from him when he attempted to woo her he was angry with her. Pissed. Believing she was repulsed by him and dabbled in the thought that she was having an affair with a more fitting man for a woman of her beauty.

Belle lied. Gaslighting for months. Their son hidden away in a closet. Gods, he doubted if he would be able to move on from the disgusting knowledge of the closet. 

Typical weak, self-deprecating Shaun could only focus more on his flaws than hers. 

He couldn't tell who was supposed to be the villain here. Perhaps, he concluded, it was all depending on which story you heard first. Who you knew longer. Who you were closer to.

Belle was growing uncomfortable with his silence, fretting about what could be rolling around in his mind. Worried he'd change his stance on if he was to stay or not. 

"Belle," he cautiously reached out and tenderly placed a hand on her knee, "will you read the story?"

She swallowed hard, nodding softly, and gently opened the children's book to the first page. Her lips were parted but no words cam out. Blue eyes trapped on the first sentence. A picture of a mother in a chair, holding her newborn baby. 

"You don't have to," he murmured softly and gave her knee an platonic squeeze. 

"I want to," she protested. "But can you bring him here?"

Him. 

The urn.

Shaun didn't protest or question why. Almost too eagerly he made his way to the mantle and scooped up the small urn in his hand. 

"Sit with me?" Belle breathed out.

Silent, he sat next to her and positioned the urn to be cradled in his arms for comfort. Belle kept her position, relying on the arm of the couch to keep her upright, respecting his lack of requests for her to advance closer.

"I'm sorry, Shaun."

He took her hand in a gentle grip. Warm, tingling, soft and something he longed for. 

"I know you are, sweetheart. I'm sorry too."

She opened her mouth to protest, but he shook his head to stop her. No more. They could only say their apologies so many times in one night. 

"Read to us. To Aaron. Afterwards we'll get some food in you, a bath, more rest, and we can continue figuring out what we're going to do in the morning. For now Belle, focus on the story."

Belle twisted her hand around to entwine her fingers within his, sending a rushing chill up Shaun's spine. 

"A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang..."

 


	11. Chapter Eleven

Belle closed the book and loudly sniffled as she roughly brushed away the tears brimming her eyes. Her dry, cracked lips moved quickly as she sputtered out a faint apology for crying so much and how much she appreciated Shaun holding the urn so lovingly in his arms. 

"I'm such a fool," she muttered under her exhausted breath and relaxed her head against the back of the couch. "To do all those things to you and expect forgiveness."

Shaun nervously hushed her and took the book from her hands in case her boiling depression caused the light weight of the book to feel heavy on her lap. "We're moving forward now, sweetheart."

Her cracked lips pursed together and she let out a small whimper from the discomfort of the scabs on her lips being stretched out.

Moving forward was going to be difficult and both could see the different outcomes flashing around in their minds. While Shaun had agreed to stay with her this time, he knew Belle was questioning if he'd stay true to his word as they made the attempt to move forward. He'd be lying himself if he didn't wonder the same. 

Perhaps he was drunk with her. 

Even with the betrayal, he blissfully wanted more of her. A mess that had neglected to eat and bathe over the weekend, sitting with her demons that she attempted to hide away. Yet he looked at his wife still awestruck with her as the day he first laid eyes upon her. Messy hair, heavy bags under eyes, scabbed lips, it was clear to him how much the loss had torn into her strong soul. It weakened her greatly and as time went by, he knew he would understand her motives one day. 

"I think I'll go clean up," she whispered softly to herself but still to let Shaun know her plans.

"Just wait there," Shaun sputtered a little too quickly. "I don't believe you've eaten since I left. Let me get you a light snack and draw you a warm bath."

He gave her no time to protest, her lips parted but he was already on his two feet, bustling away to the kitchen to prep a snack that would fill her up but not send her to bed with discomfort. 

From memory, Shaun reached for the finest apple in the refrigerator and the peanut butter Belle enjoyed so much. Sliced apples dipped in peanut butter was nothing spectacular but whenever he had Baelfire for that beautiful period, it was the go-to snack. Sad news, good news, needing to ask for advice, apples with peanut butter was what Bae sought out as comfort. When Bae discovered the news about Emma's pregnancy, he sliced up half of the apples in the house and paid no mind to scoop the slices into the jar as he confessed to his Father the worries he had about becoming a parent. 

Not the same situation as before, but apples with peanut butter felt right to him. 

Once all sliced and a few spoon fulls on the plate, he handed the treat to Belle who smiled at the sight. 

"Is Bae here to share news with us?" She attempted to jest. 

The bathwater ran to a hot temperature and he let the tub fill as he cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. There were essential oils and special soaps Belle always added with each bath she took that "was important given her mood" she would say but Shaun was no expert on essential oils. The names were foreign on the tiny jars and he had no idea if eucalyptus was better than sandalwood at helping with depression. He opened each tiny bottle she had and took a quick sniff of each scent before settling on the Lemon Balm, as it was most pleasant to him personally. 

"You know you didn't have to," Belle whispered from the bathroom doorway, the plate in her hand only missing half of the snack. "I can draw my own bath."

"You're exhausted. I doubt you moved from that spot since I left." He made his way to exit the bathroom to give her privacy. "I'll check on you in fifteen minutes in case you need anything."

"My silk robe," she said immediately. "It's in the bedroom. I always wear it after."

Shaun smiled. "Of course, sweetheart. I'll bring it down for you." 

While he waited for Belle to finish, Shaun unpacked the belongings he brought with him to Boston and placed everything neatly to it's original place in the bedroom or in the laundry room to be taken care of later the next day. Traveling so lightly left him with more time than he would normally have and he moved on to prepping his clothes for the following day at work instead, as well as setting out a pair of warm pyjamas for Belle to slip into after her bath. 

She would stay in the robe and lather a healthy layer of lotion all over her body and it was a sight Shaun would normally enjoy. It was erotic sight and with the lack of intimacy they had shared over the last year, it was enough to send every ounce of blood to his groin. Belle would sit on the edge of the bed and only pull out the body part she was lathering from under the folds of her silky robe. Shaun could only be so discreet as he admired her slender legs stretch out and have her hands running up and down it's length, wishing instead her hands were at work elsewhere. Even while she lotioned her arms, it was an erotic sight to him; sleeves pushed up to her shoulders and neck tilted to the opposite side as she cared for that limb as well. When Belle moved to her stomach, rear, and breasts was the best part of all. She still kept her back towards him as she dropped the robe down she would start at her stomach with a fresh handful of the lotion and coat her flesh liberally, working her way down to the rear. Momentarily, she would stand up and rub her hands along her backside, spreading the lotion across the firm skin that he adored. For her breasts, she always sat back down and took the most time on them. He never saw, in all their years thus far in marriage, what technique was used to coat the lotion in but he swore it was her own vanilla style of self-pleasure.

Fantasizing of Belle and the lotion called for an unwanted erection that caused Shaun to curse himself out for. Now was not the time for such thoughts and he held deep regret for remembering the beautiful image.  

It was seventeen, not fifteen, minutes later when Shaun rapped on the bathroom door to ask Belle if she would like her robe. 

She answered the door, a towel wrapped around her slender frame and little colour returned to her cheeks. Her hair, though wet, was already showing signs of life again.

"Thank you," she whispered softly. "The Lemon Balm was a wonderful choice."

He took no mind to the compliment. He couldn't confirm if it truly was an appropriate choice for her mood or if she was just being polite. 

"I left you some pyjamas on the bed for you. I'll sleep in the guest room tonight to give you some space."

She let out a straggled mewl. "I don't want you to sleep there."

Shaun raised a brow. 

"It's your house more than mine," she continued. "You shouldn't be kicked out of the master bedroom just because your wife is needlessly complicated at the moment. I'll take the guest."

He opened his mouth, hesitant to continue. "H-how about we sleep together?" Catching her worried expression, he clarified. "In the same bed. We just sleep together and that's all. Neither one of us need to be alone at the moment."

A split second of her teeth biting into the bottom lip was all Belle needed to be yet again reminded of her lips. "Just sleep. Yes. I would like that."

"I'll wait for you in the bedroom. Come up when you're ready, sweetheart." 

Shaun didn't wait for Belle and made his way up to the bedroom, quickly changing his clothing and slipping between the sheets in time before his wife entered the room. 

Belle said nothing as she took her pyjamas and hid in the bathroom to dress herself. She was quick and shivered under her breath as she joined him on her side of the bed. 

Backs towards each other, but for once not a thick wall of tension between them, Shaun felt optimistic. 

"I don't even know if I deserve to be with anymore," she sighed softly before nuzzling her face into the pillow.

It wasn't the first time she had said that in a short period of time and he knew, from the events, it would not be the last. 

* * *

"Apples and peanut butter? Am I going to be expecting some good or bad news today?" Shaun questioned upon seeing the sliced fruit on the table in front of his son.

"No news, but some questioning today, Papa," Bae chirped eagerly.

Shaun raised a brow and took a seat at the dinner table across from Bae. "Questioning? Are you asking for, erm, help between you and Emma?"

Bae picked up a thin slice and enthusiastically dipped it into the peanut butter, perfectly coating it in a thick layer. "Not about me and Emma, Papa; about you and Belle."

Intrigued, Shaun reached for his own apple slice and dipped it in the peanut butter; not nearly as enthusiastic as Bae. "And what about me and Belle?" 

"I think you should ask her to marry you," Bae announced boldly. 

His son timed it perfectly, the apple was chewed up to tiny bits and making its way down his throat when the got the announcement. He coughed violently into his hand from panic and scolded Bae as his son laughed with amusement. 

"What?"

"I think you should ask her to marry you," he repeated slowly. 

Shaun finished clearing up the apple caught in his throat. "What makes you think I should do that?"

His son scooped another dollop of peanut butter onto the unsuspecting apple slice. "Well, you love her don't you?"

"Of course I do," Shaun felt his cheeks set aflame. "But son, just because you love someone it doesn't mean you should marry them. Look at your Mother and I... I loved her dearly at the time and I knew then what I knew now I wouldn't have been so careless and saved myself from that heartache."

"But then I wouldn't be here," Bae teased. 

Very true, Shaun mentally agreed. "Look son, you need time to get to know someone before you marry them. You want to make sure that you are truly in love with them, not in lust or infatuated with them. You need to make sure you have the same hopes and dreams, wanting the same thing in the future together before jumping into marriage." Without intention, his voice came out more high-pitched and broken than firm. 

"Isn't that what you and Belle talk about on your dates though? How many times Papa have you come home from a night with Belle, swooning and drunk from love to tell me all the things you and Belle hold in common?"

His skin continued to grow hot. He could hardly recall  _swooning_ about Belle and telling Baelfire all about it. 

"How, son, may I ask have you become so experienced in this area?"

Bae grinned wildly. "Really, Papa. Just think about it. I spend a majority of my time with Mom and Killian. They hold a cycle of fight-makeup sex-fight-makeup sex. There isn't any real love between them and I've Mom screeching to Killian that she hates him more times than I've ever heard her tell him that she actually loves him. Killian cheats on Mom a lot and she doesn't even care because she's probably doing the same thing. All these years they've stayed together when she couldn't handle many with you, a man devoted." 

Shaun knew of the wild arguments between Killian and Milah. More often times than not, dragging Baelfire into the middle of them. 

"Then," Bae continued, "I see the way that you and Belle interact with each other. In the short time you've been dating you've shown more love and care between you two than I've seen before; I've even been away for most of it!" Another apple slice was dipped. "You two remind me of me and Emma; in love and meant for each other."

"Oh? You're going to marry Emma?"

Bae stopped the apple from entering his mouth. "Well not _now_ , Papa, but one day. We've agreed that once I'm no longer under these stupid custody laws that I'm going to come back to Storybrooke and marry Emma." He took a bite of the apple slice and quickly swallowed it. "We're not talking about me and Emma, we're talking about you and Belle."

Shaun dropped his shoulders. A conversation about a potential daughter-in-law would be better than his teenage son offering up romance advice. "What makes you even so sure Belle would even say yes if I asked her?"

"Oh," Bae laughed, "because I told her last night that I think you two should get married and all she could do was sigh happily and say 'if I could ever be so lucky.'"

There was a flutter in the pit of Shaun's stomach. "Son, you shouldn't be proposing for people."

"I didn't, I didn't. I just enthusiastically suggested it, Papa. There's a difference." 

Shaun thought back to the early memories of his marriage to Milah. Albeit, not a fairy-tale start, things were good in the beginning and he thought his marriage to Milah would last an eternity. Instead it was cut short after affairs, lies, and her own personal disgust caught up with them. No doubt Belle, perfect in every way, would travel down a similar path. 

"What if Belle and I face a situation similar to your Mother and I did?"

"I doubt Belle would ever cheat on you," Bae noted. "She's better than that."

Shaun shook his head. "No, son, I mean what if it grows to a point where we can't even be in the same room together because there is so much detest between us? I'm a weak man, Baelfire, I don't think I could handle it again."

Bae picked up the last apple slice. "Papa, I think that no matter what problem you and Belle face, you're going to work through it. You and Mom were far from a perfect match and from the beginning there were issues. If you married Belle, you two would work your way through any conflict and come out stronger together."

"You think so?" He asked hopefully, pushing aside how childish he felt reliant for relationship wisdom from his teenager.

"You're a perfect match," Bae laughed. "Papa, Belle is your true love." 

* * *

 In the morning, Shaun found himself alone in the bed. 

Though it was their usual morning ritual that Belle was up before him, busy prepping herself for the day and working on breakfast, he expected to find her small, exhausted frame next to him for just a little while longer. 

Dressed in the suite he had out from the night before, there was no breakfast scent that greeted him and he wondered if Belle had gotten up in the middle of the night to sleep in the guest bedroom instead.

As he made his way to the guest bedroom, he caught sight of the kitchen, where Belle had two bowls set out on the table and a pitcher of milk.

"Oh. Good morning," she said in a startled voice. "I know it's not our usual breakfast meal but I don't think either one of us really has the stomach for a large meal." In her hands she held a box of cereal that Shaun could not recall ever purchasing. In fact, he swore the last time they had cereal in the house was when Baelfire still lived there. 

"Cereal still sounds wonderful," Shaun offered as comfort. "I didn't know we had any in the house."

Belle's cheeks were painted pink. "I did a quick run to the store this morning. Silly, I know, to head out so early in the morning just for cereal but I couldn't stomach the thought of eggs and bacon again."

He laughed lightly, amused by the story and could see her shoulders relax a bit. 

"Shaun, I've been thinking for, well, for a few days now." Belle started nervously as she fumbled with opening up the box of cereal. "I already told you in our sessions with Dr. Hopper that I denied to take any medication to treat the depression and help with the acceptance for...for what happened with us and Aaron."

Hearing the child's name was something Shaun knew he was going to struggle adjusting to. 

"I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to keep what happened a dark taboo that I feel like I need to hide from everyone, including my husband." Belle gave up with opening the cereal box and pushed it away for Shaun to take over. "What I'm saying is, I'm ready to fully seek out help. I want to get better. For us and for myself."

Shaun opened the box and poured the contents into their bowls. "Sweetheart, that is wonderful. Dr. Hopper is going to be so proud to hear that."

She gave him a meek smile. "Do you think I could call and see if he could squeeze us in for a sooner appointment?"

"I think that's a wonderful idea."

Belle smiled again and dropped the topic for the rest of breakfast, instead keeping quiet and allowing him to catch up on the morning paper that he routinely skimmed through on the mornings they had more time than usual before they needed to get to work. He told her not to worry about helping him clean up the little dishes their breakfast created and encouraged her to get ready so he could wash them by hand himself, insisting that there was enough time and no need for the two of them to do it together. 

No more than ten minutes later did Belle return to the kitchen with her outfit perfect and makeup flawless. Shaun kept himself reserved, restraining the urge to compliment how beautiful she looked; not because of the makeup and exquisite clothing style but because of the life that was returned to her. She stood tall again, her cheeks pink, smile warm, and no longer pulling away from him. 

Once ready, the two headed to work together and Shaun was blissfully reminded of the first time they did this as a married couple. Nervous, excited, his love for Belle bubbling over every single other emotion he was feeling at that moment. Had the events not been so real and the urn still placed on the mantle, he would have sworn it was a terrible nightmare.

"Lunch?" She asked as he parked his car.

"Sorry?"

Belle smiled. "Do you want me to stop by for lunch? I could pick something up from Granny's or we could go back home if you'd like."

"Granny's is perfect, darling."

She nodded, taking a mental note and said her good-bye with her usual rays that left him yearning for her presence instantly to return. 

As he watched Belle walk into the library, Shaun felt conflicted with himself. 

He was a mangled scale that was weighing around from one feeling to another and unable to find the absolute perfect balance of emotions. 

When you're in love, Shaun knew, you were supposed to work through the terrible of times. He married Belle "for better or for worse" and worse was all that seemed to be following them at this time. He imagined on the darkest of days that the worst to happen to them would be her leaving the same way that Milah did; in the arms of a more fit and attractive lover that appeared to be a better match at first glance. Never would he imagine worse being her lying to him, the child's remains tucked away in a closet. But couples went through their own tragedies and grew from the ashes stronger together all the time and surely he and Belle could make it through this.

She was finally willing to accept the help she delayed for so long and now Shaun couldn't help but question if he held the patience that would be needed in assisting Belle with her recovery. Their recovery. The tears that would flow from her apologies over what happened with Aaron, the hours of therapy with Dr. Hopper was they made attempts to move forward, and the trials of anti-depressants that would follow until she found the best one for her

While years of misery were not uncommon for him, the nights of rejection, gaslighting, lies, drinking in the bar just to blame himself for mucking up yet another marriage, and then to bring his own son into the complication would be hard to forgive. 

After all this time, he still had yet to even forgive Milah. 

But, the constant reminder he told himself, Belle wasn't Milah. Belle learned from her mistake and held herself responsible. She regretted the choices she made over the last year and unlike Milah, would always regret it and try to make right for what she did. Belle would always try to atone until her dying day. 

The bell to the shop entrance jingled and Shaun was brought to reality; shocked to see Belle and that he had drifted away in thought for so long. 

"I called Dr. Hopper and he says he can get us in right after lunch." Her face was hopeful with a bubbling layer of anxiety. "That's not too inconvenient is it?"

Shaun shook his head. "No, not at all. It's perfect, actually."

"I understand if, at any point, you change your mind about staying with me," she said softly as she slowly made her way closer to him. "I wouldn't blame you at all. If you don't want to come to this appointment with Dr. Hopper, again, I wouldn't blame you. It'd be all about me, anyways and I doubt--"

"No," Shaun interrupted. "I'm here for you, Belle. Every step of the way." 

The anxiety on Belle's face instantly melted away and her body relaxed to it's once natural, no foreign, composure. "Oh, Shaun darling."

She startled him then, bringing her body close to his and wrapping her arms loosely around his waist. Her eyes slowly closed and lips parted in the slightest as she brought her face close to his to kiss him. 

Instead of enjoying this potential moment, Shaun could only think of the last time he shared a real kiss with Belle. Romantic, not forced or a anxious peck.

Her lips were warm; though the skin still cracked and scabbed he was able to ignore that and melt into the kiss. Shaun closed his eyes and relaxed his body, wrapping his hands around her waist tighter than needed and pulling her close. Belle let out a surprised moan and pushed deeper into the kiss, gently sucking on his bottom lip and running her tongue along the rim. 

For the first time in months, Shaun stood on his feet and felt hopeful for their marriage to work out. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your love and support! It is because of all of you that this story had the beautiful honour of winning "Best Angst: Why?" in the 2015 The Espensen Awards and I will never be able to properly express how thankful I am for such a wonderful opportunity. Thank you, yet again!

He knew right away, from the minute their morning alarm rang, that something was off with her. Well, more off than things had been in the last year.

After the alarm was off, Belle motionless and limp on her side of the bed and inaudibly mumbled words to herself every so often as Shaun dressed. Her side of the blankets were pulled up to her face to cover her mouth which only assisted in her soft words being so inaudible. Eyes were glossy and red from tears that she let slide down her face and dampen her pillow, not bothering to hide them.

Shaun was dressed in his suit and hair combed neatly before he sat at the foot of the bed. He knew already this was a pointless motion; she'd rebuff his attempt to help her silent struggle and he'd walk down the stairs with wounded emotions before he even had his breakfast. "Would you like to talk about it, sweetheart?"

Belle sniffled loudly and harshly tugged on the blanket to pull it further to her face to wipe at her damp eyes. "It's nothing, Shaun."

A typical response he had grown accustomed to over the last year. "You're crying before the day has even started. Please Belle, talk to me. I'm worried about you."

Her lips moved but the words were silent, he failed to hear her breathe in to begin speaking in the first place. 

"I love you," he offered sincerely. 

"I know you do," Belle replied softly. "I love you, too."

"What's upsetting you?"

"Nothing. Just a little hormonal."

His shoulders slumped. The excuse of her impending menstrual cycle was so often that with how often she said it was a 'hormone problem' she was having a cycle every other week. "Oh, I'm sorry dear. I'll start breakfast while you get ready."

"I'll be down shortly."

Shaun got up and stood still, furiously debating with himself if he should chance a simple kiss with his wife on the cheek or leave her be. He couldn't remember the last time their lips made contact with one another and settled that a simple peck on her forehead would offer comfort to whatever it was that always was upsetting her, letting her know that he was here if she ever was willing to tell him.

The motion was quick out of fear of being rejected. He kept his eyes open, fearful that she'd turn and he'd bump into her by not stopping soon enough, and quickly placed his lips against her burning forehead. There was a brief moment of comfort as she kept her body still as he preformed the action; her body didn't tense nor did she turn away as was now common. 

"I'm here if you need to talk," he offered quickly before heading towards the door.

"I know you are," Belle said back, her voice telling him that she was tired of hearing those words. 

When Belle finally made her way to the kitchen the warm breakfast he prepared was cold to the touch. Shaun was moments away from tossing the eggs and bacon combination before he heard her coming up from behind.

Belle dressed in clothing that struck him as abnormal. She wore the outfit only once before, years ago when they were still dating and she attended the funeral of the parent of one of her closest friends. The outfit, a very plain and simple black dress that was nothing special in particular, had been hiding at the end of her side of the closet bar where her dresses neatly hung.

Shaun commonly read paper but this morning caught nothing about a funeral, though he kept away from the obituaries as best as possible. 

"Are you," he paused and briefly prayed that the question would not upset her too greatly, "going to a funeral?"

Her hands moved to her flat stomach and she pressed against the fabric to smooth it out. "Memorial. My friend. Do you remember when we were dating and Ashley's father died? It would have been his sixtieth birthday today so she wants to have a small service."

He knew Walter Boyd before his death and quick math told him that the sixtieth birthday was actually two years earlier. "I see. Send my regards to Ashley."

Belle walked past the breakfast, not passing a glance towards it and instead poured a small glass of orange juice. "I will, Shaun. Thank you."

"Do you want a ride into work this morning before the memorial?"

"No, I have Ruby coming to get me." She finished her drink and rinsed out the cup. "I might be home late."

Shaun frowned. "Of course. Take care of yourself, sweetheart."

 _What on earth had happened in recent years that called for a memoria_ l? The question rolled around in his mind viciously the majority of the work-day, forcing him to stare at the date on his calendar and attempt to pull forward memories from anything significant that might have happened that day. Shaun's mind ran blank for as far as he could tell, there was no importance of this date.

* * *

Shaun kept his eyes on the two tiny pills that took its new place next to her morning glass of orange juice. One, a cherry scented vitamin she had been taking for more years than he had known her and the other was the anti-depressant Dr. Hopper prescribed for her. For forty-eight days now Belle had been taking the additional pill with her breakfast, silently building herself up and telling herself that it will get better; that the medication is temporary and not for the rest of her life. 

"How are you feeling today?" He asked her before she could break into the scrambled eggs he prepared for them.

Belle blinked and gave the medication a stern stare. "Good. I feel...safe today."

"Safe?" He wasn't even aware she didn't feel safe. It hadn't been mentioned before in any of their sessions with Dr. Hopper or personal talks since the secret of Aaron was revealed.

She smiled. "Secure might be the better word. My mind finally feels calm and I'm not always thinking about how I'm going to keep up the lie. Already I feel this heavy weight that I was wearing disappear; like the depression is melting away and I'm getting back to my old self."

He smiled back and relaxed his body. She was slipping back to her old self; talkative, affectionate at the modest level she was when they first were together, and far less tears and silent responses. He'd kept his distance, respectfully, and suppressed all urges to resort back to the romantic whim of ways where he'd grab her hips from behind and kiss her neck in a trail or affectionately caress her curves during a tender embrace. The best of it all was the trust he was beginning to feel slip back between them. Of course the lie about the baby would carry with them for the remainder of their marriage but now it was different and they worked together instead of apart. 

"What about you, Shaun? It seems to always be about me these days; how are you feeling?" Her blue pools were loving and a familiar shine that first caught his attraction. No longer were they the dull shade from her depression. 

"I feel as if things are finally going back to as normal as they possibly can."

Belle took her medication and let out a low shudder from swallowing it. "That's wonderful. I'm trying so hard to fix this, Shaun."

"I know you are and I'm here for you for each step."

* * *

There was only one major factor remaining that bothered him; still they had yet to be intimate in the way he yearned for the most. He missed touching her and embracing her in such a delicate way. 

What bothered him more than the lack of intimacy was how much he desired it. Truth be told, he felt disgusting when he wondered each night while Belle undressed if she would come forward to him and ask him to be intimate with her. He felt desperate and pathetic, lacking the respect for his wife's personal timeline for recovery. Even worse was the fleeting second of disappointment he would feel and question if staying with her was even the right decision. How foolish. How selfish. 

Shaun knew it'd take time and Dr. Hopper warned him time and time again during their last seven sessions that the medication could present her with a low sex-drive, but entirely different from the one she had before. He warned Shaun that she may need time to let things gloss over and time to adjust the new secrets that were presented or even that Belle may not be interested out of consideration for his feelings, knowing all too well how the truth wounded him so and Belle wouldn't be surprised if he was suddenly the one uninterested in sex. 

Their evenings were spent together. Embraced in some form on the couch or in the bed and he always waited for her to make the first move, even if it never came. He was still undeniably attracted to his wife, after everything, and the nights where her head would be in his lap as they both read books would leave him with an erection and trailing off from the plot-line before it could even be established. The anticipation of knowing that the chance to be intimate could come at any moment now lead for him to be more enthusiastic about self-pleasure and though never one to masturbate often, even during their recent struggle, Gold was finding it impossible suppress like before.  

It was two weeks into her medication before she made a, much to his surprise, sensual move towards him. Of their many evenings together on the couch while they read, she took one fine opportunity to carefully graze her hand along the outline of his erection through his clothing. She was silent and carried on with her story as she caressed him softly. Shaun had suppressed an agonizing groan and clenched his book with a death grip to avoid reaching out for her and throwing away all of the progress they had made up to that moment. 

After what felt like an eternity to Shaun, she sighed and stopped caressing him as quickly as she started. 

Three days later she did it again and he finally asked the reasoning behind her action.

"I wanted to start building up intimacy again. You didn't seem interested when I touched you so I backed off," she told him innocently with a deep shade of red masking her face.

That night he carefully guided her to the bedroom and allowed her to call the motions on what was to be done and how far they were to go. She had placed herself on the bed and, sill red in the face and now hands covering such shades, asked him to pleasure her with his tongue. 

He swore at that moment to drown in her. Shaun was eager and yet trembled terribly as he made a feeble attempt to strip Belle down to the level she found most comfortable; bra and blouse intact and bare from the waist down. Belle kept her hand, equally trembling, at the back of his head and twirled her fingers around his long hair to soothe herself from the anxiety that overwhelmed her at that moment. She muttered on an apology about asking him to do something when she had not reciprocated such an action in so long and told him that he could always change his mind about doing what she had asked. He hushed her assured her that he had only dreamt of performing such an action for months. His sexual needs were not only for pleasuring himself but to pleasure her too and finally he was granted such a wondrous opportunity.  

That night she moaned his name and grasped his hair into a painful grip that gave him a rush of confidence. She apologized for the last year over and over again before transitioning into gasping thank you's that lasted briefly before her cries of climax filled the room.

When Shaun finished he had expected to roll over in shame and curl her legs up before bursting into sobs. Instead she left her legs parted and made a weak attempt to gather control over her breathing from her climax. She spoke in a whisper that was inaudible for him and let out a soft laugh that he assumed went in part of the whisper. Like a fool, he stayed on his knees at the foot of the bed and kept still to wait for further instructions.

"Come," she sighed breathlessly, "hold me please?"

"Of course," Shaun sputtered out, enamored with his wife. He paid no mind to the fact that he was still fully dressed in the suit that he started his day out in and for once found himself more clothed than Belle. 

When morning came she was smiling and there were no tears and he could not recall the last time he saw Belle waking up with a smile. 

* * *

It had been one hundred and five days now.

One hundred and five days on the medication and more hours than he could ever count spent in Dr. Hopper's office making attempts to iron out the wrinkles in their marriage. He cautiously watched her take the medication, to make sure she did, and every morning asked how she was feeling. Her mood set the tempo on how he would approach her for the rest of the day and he found himself fortunate to be running across more good days than bad. 

The dishes were hand washed more often than not now. After dinner, Belle would retire to the living room and enjoy several chapters of her book while he stood at the sink. The dishwasher could have made his job complete in no time, but the hand washing gave him an excuse to be alone and quietly think about their dark secrets and progress from the last two years. 

Belle had transformed. Part of him had expected Belle to slowly return to her old self; reserved with her sexual side, loving, and smiling from pure happiness and not as a disguise. Instead she was someone new and someone more free. Belle Gold was beginning to peel away the layers of her quiet, reclusive behaviour and transformed into someone happier. Free. 

He watched her grow and while difficult at times, it was beautiful. Her smiles no longer had the appearance of hidden sadness or a reserved composure. She returned to a social butterfly nature and spent many evenings out with her girlfriends that had also suffered neglect after the loss. It was easier, he noticed, for her to be around Henry without her mind focused on what could have been. Belle opened up more and more as the weeks went by and no longer did they suffer in silence. In part of their couples therapy, Belle continued to visit Dr. Hopper privately in rotation. He would wait until she returned, never pressing if she would want to talk about it and waited for her to bring up anything that they shared. She would, on days where she felt comfortable, Belle would share bits of their private conversation. No longer did she walk around with weight pressing her down and dragging her painfully along the bottom. Belle was free.

He was, if he was even allowed to be, proud of himself as well. The Rabbit Hole had seen him only twice since he agreed to stay with his wife. The firs visit was brief, two small drinks that took a countless amount of time to consume and left him feeling sick to where he had regretted the decision. For his second visit, Belle had struggled that day and he felt it was best to remove himself from the home. With the intent to sit down at the bar and drink away the stress, the door had barely closed down behind him before he regretted the decision and understanding that drinking was not going to be a solution. The drink would cause his stomach to twist again, his head to grow heavy and throbbing. The self-control was easier than he thought it would be and once home, opened up to Belle about what had nearly happened. 

It wasn't just the drinking that had stopped. He spent countless hours reading and educating himself on something that he should have been taught years ago. The books and articles helped him understand Belle's most sensitive places, how to properly pleasure her, improve the foreplay that they would touch on before he would go down between her legs; if she be so willing. Unknown to Belle, he read just as much on loss. Articles and books on how to carry on after the traumatic event for both the mother and the father. Few articles were so catering to talk about the father's experience with loss but the few that he found had helped him understand that he, while not the one to physically experience it, could suffer as well. When moments came in their private residence when she wanted to talk about Aaron, he was finally able to offer support and understanding that he couldn't months ago. 

Shaun had hoped that their hard work would soon pay off and no longer would there be that small sliver of unspoken tension between them. 

A sensation pulled Shaun away from the drone motion of hand washing the cooking pot that was now spotless. Tingling sparks ran up his spine and shooting down his arms where they finally melted into the lukewarm dish water. Belle's long forgotten perfume, a subtle pumpkin that she wore on her most confident of days, was filling his nostrils and taking him back to the long forgotten times. 

"I love you," Belle's warm voice spoke softly as her arms embraced him. An arm wrapping around his waist and the other trailing up across his chest, gripping the collar of his shirt, as if she created a human seat belt strap. 

Shaun swallowed hard; "I love you too."

Belle kept her arms in place and pressed her face into his shoulder. "I know the past few years have been incredibly hard on you. You've been more forgiving and patient than I will ever deserve." When he cleared his throat to speak, her arms squeezed him gently to tell him that she wasn't done and that it was best to just listen. "I know you've been waiting and sitting through countless hours of counseling. You've felt lost and found comfort in drinking because of the isolation I caused you to go through. When you told me that you would stay with me, I didn't believe it and I feared that at any moment you would change your mind and tell me to leave. I don't know why I was ever so stupid as to doubt you."

He was unsure what to say in response. Tell her that he understood? That it was now unimportant to bring up? Was she having a bad day even though the medication had been so helpful? 

"I love you," he said again in hopes it would be the response she wanted.

She gently placed her lips on his neck that sent more fireworks throughout his body. "Shaun, please come to the bedroom with me."

He didn't question her to make sure he was hearing her correctly. Slowly, he pulled his hands from the water and dried them off and allowed her to take his hand in hers and guide him up the stairs to their room. 

Belle closed the door, turned off all lights with the exception a night lamp to give a sensual dim to the room and with a deep inhale through her nose, began to unbutton her blouse.

Shaun watched in silence as his wife undressed. She was beautiful as she removed each clothing, despite her obvious awkward movements that she attempted to come off as sensual. As she neared the end of undressing, he hastily moved to catch up and somehow found himself naked before her. 

"I have condoms," she whispered as she moved to her nightstand and pulled out a box. "I bought them the morning after that first night we first started...I think they're still good."

Carefully, he put the condom on and waited for her next direction. 

With more awkward movements, Belle climbed onto the bed and positioned herself to be flat on her back with slightly parted legs. Breathing was slow, deeper than it should be, but calmer than any other time they had attempted to be intimate recently. 

Shaun positioned himself carefully above her and parted her surprisingly steady legs. 

"Are you certain, Belle?" He felt selfish at this moment. He had offered her no foreplay, not even the oral sex she favoured so much. It had been so long since he had penetrated her, he wasn't even sure if she would want to just  _jump in_  straight away. 

Belle nodded, slowly running her fingers up his arms and locked them behind his neck to pull him closer. Her blue eyes were intense; caught in the moment of passion that were ready for the next adventure they were about to embark upon. 

"I'm ready, Shaun," she confirmed before placing a firm and stimulating kiss on his lips. 


End file.
